Building Faith and Trust.
January 15, 2012
Filed under Uncategorized
Tags: awareness, being judgmental, family, Friends, Handel Group, healing, life, life coaching, love, relationships, understanding
I have been working really hard the last few weeks, to become much more present to and aware of some of my most challenging traits. These traits are the ones which are the most sneaky, the most evasive, yet do the most damage to myself, and to my relationships with those around me. The work that I have been doing since early last month is getting me much more acquainted with why I do what I do. Let me explain.
I have always considered myself to be a good person. I still do, no worries. Yet, I always have had thoughts that I wasn’t willing to share with others. So, there are two main ways that they would come out, sideways if you will. If I was saying to someone, “I am fine”, when actually, I was hurting in some way, I was actually lying to that person, and being fake about what was really going on with me. I have done this for more of my life than many who know me may realize. Besides the fact that it hurt me to keep all of that pain and difficulty to myself, it was a way to keep myself from being authentic with those around me.
The other thoughts that I didn’t share with others was when I was worried, frightened, or concerned about something going on. The thought that I would have would be arrogance, that if that other person would only do, say, or think the way that I did, they would be happier. Now, this ending you might be able to predict: since we all need to make our own decisions in life, it was more often than not that those around me wouldn’t do what I wanted them to, so that always gave my mind room for thoughts of judgment toward another. When they didn’t do as I believed was best for them, my brain left lots of room to judge them for the outcome.
Now, I am blessed and fortunate to have so many people around me, who love and care about me. And, I haven’t lost people in my life as I go through this process of transition. However, it presents a new, amazing opportunity to get real with people, about what is going on with me, and to keep loving them, right where they are at, at the same time. Just think: if I can embrace my own humanness, frailty and vulnerability, imagine how easily I can embrace it in others.
I am on a path of awareness and understanding, and with the added, increasing benefit of faith and trust, that I will be cared for through it all, I can hardly wait to see what comes next.
What being selfish really means.
January 7, 2012
Filed under Uncategorized
Tags: being selfish, faith, learning, life, love, loving myself, selfishness, selflessness, surrender, trust
I am discovering the true meaning in my life of the word selfish. Now, most of the time, I have believed that being selfish meant that I was focusing only on myself, and not considering others. I have since learned a deeper meaning of the word, and one that is more accurate for the way I have lived my life so far.
I have often, actually, almost always, focused on the way that the actions of others have impacted me, whether I felt hurt, or slighted, or loved or adored. I was almost fixated on what others would do, say or think in relation to me. I called it various things in my life: love, codependency, openness. I never called it selfish. However, now I see it through a different set of eyes, and I believe that the selfishness that I have been guilty of in the past has been of this nature: selfishly focused on what others MUST be doing to me.
What I heard so profoundly at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night, was that people are doing stuff, they just aren’t doing it TO ME.
I have taken almost everything personally in my life. Seriously. And, to me, that is the epitome of self centeredness, to believe that every one that I encounter has some issue with me, something personal that they are acting out about, or that they want to get me for. Funny, now that I think about it.
In focusing on other people, I was more concerned with me, really, than with them.
I am learning now, learning what it truly means to be selfless, loving and open toward others. It isn’t by judging them, or believing that everything that they say or do has something to do with me. I can only get beyond that by trusting, surrendering, and believing with a faithful heart that I am being watched over, and that all will be well.
The amazing part of that all is, that this is the most open that my heart has ever felt. As I develop my faith, trust, and learn to surrender, i am able to love more openly and deeply.
Who knew? I continue to learn!
2012.
This is going to be my best year yet. I just know it.
There is so much in store for me, so much opportunity, wonder, magic.
I know that I have a word that is going to be the theme for my new year: Connection.
I intend to have a year full of connecting more deeply with the family and friends that are in my life. I intend to continue to get better at communicating with grace, and wisdom. To tell the truth, without hurting the hearts of others. I speak from my soul and understand that not all that I meet and have in my life are ready for this walk.
To connect to my clients through coaching, and to get to know them more deeply than ever before. To be open and willing to hear their stories and help them to go on a deep journey of self discovery. To be real and to really listen.
To connect with my Higher Power, in a deeper way than ever before. I have grown in my faith so much in the last year, and I want to go even deeper, to learn so much more about myself, that it deepens my spiritual experience, and helps me to trust on a deeper level that everything happening in my life is for a higher purpose.
I know that in this new year, I will encounter many changes again, more than ever before. I understand that for me, change means growth, means stepping up into my life and really knowing myself deeply. It means being humble, present, and intentional in my thoughts, words, actions, and feelings. It means not judging others by what I think is best; rather, by showing them the nature of what I hold deeply in my heart.
Through surrender, acceptance, and faith, a deeper connection to all that is in my life is there for my taking it.
Happy New Year to all, and may 2012 be the best year of your life so far.
Love! 
Arrogance.
December 8, 2011
Filed under Uncategorized
Tags: arrogance, connection, darkness, life, light, love, mission, traits, transparency, truth
I hit a rock bottom this week. Not a drunken one, although I have hit those before in my life. Rather, an emotional/psychic/soulful rock bottom. I looked within, saw my humanness, in one of its darkest forms, and wanted to stay in that dark place, and make it into something evil and vulgar.
I fully faced up to one of my dark, human traits: My arrogant, know it all self.
Now, she has always been there, trying to run the show, and often in charge of the thoughts in my head. Or, so I thought. The funny part, she is ME, so that means, when I let her run the show, it is myself that is wreaking havoc in my own life.
What does it look like when arrogance is at the helm? For me, it means that I don’t ask questions, even when I don’t understand. I don’t want to look stupid, I don’t want to look uninformed, so I fake it, a lot. I don’t say all of what is on my mind, so that means that I often withhold my feelings of anger, frustration, overwhelm, sadness or stress, out of arrogance to handle it on my own. So, that which I am most afraid of, being alone, becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
The bigger laugh in the whole thing, is that my arrogance is truly not arrogance at all. It is a big, fake front to keep me from truly trusting anyone else. I am amazed at how deep that actually goes, that fear of trusting others to be there for me and care for my heart. I am learning, and I am unlearning, the ways that I have looked at it for much of my life.
So, I need to ask questions, and I need to say that which I usually leave out: I am excited to be a coach, but scared about being official; I am happy to be visiting family out of town this weekend, but I am dreading the trip after working all day tomorrow. I am excited for the holiday season, and sad to not have my daughter with me the entire time. Now, I am learning to tell all sides of the story, not just the one that I don’t mind showing.
The thing is, I don’t know everything, but it doesn’t mean I don’t know ANYTHING, either. By being open and honest about my own level of arrogance, my own tendency to know it all, I am inspiring others to open up as well, get real with themselves, and really fulfill my mission and purpose here. So, although the work right now feels strange, and difficult, the results are all that I have dreamed of. Humility. Connection. Trust. Purpose. LOVE.
Hands
November 27, 2011
Filed under Uncategorized
Tags: connection, family, Friends, hands, healing, life, love, meaning
In the movie, “Beaches”, there is a scene toward the end of the movie when Barbara Hershey’s character is dying. She is in bed, and suddenly panics as she is looking at photos, because she cannot find a picture of her mother’s hands, one that she must see at the end of her life. That scene has always stuck with me, because I am so aware of hands and what they seem to show to me.
I think about what I know of a person, and how their hands come to represent that to me. When I think of my Aunt Ruth’s hands, they are slender, and tough, but beautiful. They have done work in their lives, but are not worn. My hand fits well within hers.
My mother’s hands are larger, mine built much like hers. Her nails are always short, and they are broad and firm. I don’t know the feel of them as much, because to be honest, I haven’t held my mom’s hand much in my adult life that I remember.
Last weekend, when I went to visit my Aunt Ruth, after she had a bad fall, I saw my dad on the way at the airport. We were talking deeply, and we held hands across the table. His hands are strong, and tan, and worn from years of hard work. And, so firm that I felt comfortable and safe with that hold.
I love to grab my daughter’s hand when we are in the car, as a quick reminder that I love her and am with her. Her hands are so round, and soft, and young. So much life to know, to gain, to feel and experience.
My hands are gentle, and last weekend, I used them to wash my Aunt Ruth when she couldn’t do it herself. The experience was so moving, to touch her with my hands and to also have that experience touch my heart, in a moment that felt spiritual it was so deep. The healing nature of hands, filled with love, is what I was aware of in those moments.
I am not sure how hands came to have such importance to me. Maybe because of powerful moments with that being the connection. Maybe just what a person’s hands offer of themselves to the world, in prayer, in work, in human touch. Whatever the reason, I am so aware and appreciative of the persons in my life, and the hands that connect with me in a deep way.
