My reflection

Okay, I am leaning over, looking into the pond of my life. I am seeking what it is I truly see in that reflection, in that face that is looking back at me.

I see beauty, at least some of the time.

I see honesty.

I see love, pure love.

I see child like soul.

I see an insecure being.

I see a person who is afraid at times.

I see a person who wonders if she will be truly cared for.

I see a fat person inside a slimmer body.

I see a forty seven year old woman who doesn’t look forty seven.

I see life.

I see hope.

I see a past, present, and future.

What about my core values of love, of truth?

I see both. I see love as pure as anything else, flying right out from my soul, and shining like moonbeams from my eyes. I see it as clear as if it was an actual image before me.

I see love in my smile, that has lines and sincerity and purity in it. It is lines that are there for love given and not received, received and not understood, and reciprocated.

I see truth; truth of what is to come, truth of what I only know, truth of my soul and all of its desires.

Love.

Truth.

Life.

Being, and being here, right now.

I am looking deeper into myself than I have ever have before.

My dear readers, I am so grateful for all of you that come, read, some comment, some do it anonymously.

However, I must confess something.

Although I have written here on this blog about my beliefs regarding life, love, beauty, lessons, and experience, about living in the moment, I am but a human, and these are lessons that I am still having to learn.

Inside this secure exterior, is at times, a very insecure, child like person.

A person with a need to be loved, and not forgotten.

I am no guru, or expert. Heck, I am not even a life coach yet.

However, I WILL be. Bank on it.

I just want to tell you all that I am unique, and I do see my own beauty, love and truth at times.

And, I am also insecure, scared, and uncertain at times.

I have often defined myself by how I see myself reflected through others, through the waters within their souls, and how they show it back to me. That is in part, my truth, but it is also, a mirage.

And, I am still finding out who I truly am. Maybe, for the first REAL time in my life.

So far, so good.

Thank you, from my soul depth. For all of it.

Life is worth capturing!

To my friend, J. Thank you for inspiring this post.

I thoroughly love the movie, “Elizabethtown”. There are many aspects to the movie, which is about a young man whose father dies suddenly, and he goes back to his father’s hometown to make the arrangements. It is about so many other things in addition to that, but there is one part of it that struck me the many times that I have watched it. There is a character who is a stewardess, who befriends this young man ad he is travelling to his father’s hometown. She is quirky, and energetic, and full of love for life.

There is this thing that she does, when she wants to capture a moment in her daily life; she holds her hands up, like she is holding a camera, and clicks a shot. Capturing life as it is happening.

I like to think that I do this on a daily basis, as many times a day as I possibly can. Sometimes, I capture those moments on film, or digitally, to recall later on through prints or sharing on the web. Sometimes I share those photos with others to recollect them to those that I love.

Other times, I hold my two hands up, as if I am taking a photo, and click the shutter to capture the moment. I actually make that clicking sound at those times as well, to imprint upon my memory whatever is happening at the time. Talk about love and truth in action!

Sometimes, this active participation in capturing the moments of my life help me to remember to stay focused on the right here and right now. To be ever present. To just BE.

Those moments are varied in their content; some are happy, joyful and full of positivity. Other ones of them are dramatic, full of angst, sadness or pressure. All of them are worth capturing. All of them.

So J, thank you for your wise words on this day, intended or not. For Life, indeed, is worth capturing, every day, all of the time.

So, make sure that you have your camera, real or created, with you at all times……..

The In-betweens……..

Melody Beattie, in the affirmation book that I read for today, talks about the in between times as being a sort of void. That got me thinking today, because I am definitely at an in-between time of my life. And, I have to say, I am loving it.

I am in-between careers, at least that is how I envision it. I am still in the job that I don’t really love, but am willing to do for a longer period of time, until I can actively begin in the next stage of my life’s work. I am in-between the stages of my spiritual development; I have walked away from our church, gratefully so, and am sitting in the in-between until I figure out what comes next. I am in-between the clutter of my space and my mind and the freeing of space by purging, clearing, and letting go of things, feelings and perspectives.

The biggest in-between that I am currently in is the area of self awareness. This is by far the strongest case for the in-betweens that there is. For me, anyway.

In-between……..what does that mean for me, actually? My in-between area right now looks like this:

I got to this point in my life, thinking that there was so much that I had figured out, worked out, resolved in my life. And, that is true. However, I moved into in-between land when I realized, while working through some of my life areas through coaching, that I have so much more to sort through. For every part of it that I have already come to peace with, there are other factors that I hadn’t looked at, or had really removed myself from in terms of the impact on me. Talk about a wake up call!

So, this in-between time for me is time of deeper reflection. It in no way negates what I have already done for myself, or take away from the work within that has already been accomplished. However, I am ready to go deeper, and really explore that which I had left behind me because I really didn’t know the origin of it all.

In-between, to me, is not a void for me. It is not scary, or dark or ominous. It is indeed, exhilarating. I feel completely energized at what is to come next. Sure, where I have come from is really a testament to my ability to persevere and strive toward knowing of myself, but I am so looking forward to what is coming next. Fear exists only to push me forward, and educate me on that which I need to face with even more energy. I know that whatever is in store for me down this path from the land of in-between, can only bring further definition of me, more self-fulfillment, and certainly, more total bliss.

In-between rocks.

The journey of my lifetime

I have begun on this journey of life before, this adventure toward self-exploration. This one, however, feels different, evolved, much more intensive than ever before. It is the journey that I always thought I was on, but not really. It has always been the path that I was aspiring to be on, but never really got there. This, my friends, is DEEP stuff.

I anticipate that I will learn so many new, and not new, things about myself. This coaching that I am now receiving has just begun, as has my journey toward realizing what I am really all about. To go back to basics. To look at all areas of my life, closely. To examine choices made and time spent and see how I really want to live a life of integrity, of purpose, of true meaning. At the top of the list, for them and for me? Love. Truth. Those two areas of development both describe me and will further define me as to who I am evolving into.

Love. A natural descriptor for me, as seen by others and by myself. Love is the root; the beginning, middle and ending. It fires my soul and guides my behavior. It shines through my eyes and levitates my steps. Love colors my world in ways that matter the most. Love permeates my very being, and I feel like I eat, breathe, and exist in its revery. Love is, and is me in one of its truest forms.

Truth. Truth is a core belief that is important to me, but also one that I have been challenged to convey at times. No more time for that nonsense. In order to live a life of the highest order, one that I can take pride, and full joy in, must be one based only in truth. Truth to myself, to others, to my life. True to all that is important to me, in order to validate that which I call my own. I must acquire what I have in my life through truth, or it really does not belong to me, in my mind. What I think, believe, do, and feel, must all be based in truth. Telling the truth is not so hard to do, even to myself. After all, it is just me. Truth just means that I am allowing myself to see the real story, and in many cases, truth can bring about release from the past untruths that have held me captive.

I now know, that only through full, honest truth, and shimmering love, can I truly be who I am meant to be. The person that has been waiting inside of myself all along.

Tell yourself the truth

“For once a person begins on this path of knowledge they will only look inward, learning how to fix themselves, instead of trying to fix other people.” Rav Brandwein

For as often as we are with ourselves, many of us are very afraid to FACE ourselves. Face our shortcomings, our needs, our truths, our gifts. It is called denial in some circles, the need to look away from what truth really lies within us. I have participated in this as much as any one of you.

Over the years, I have evolved. There are times that I look back, in my rear view mirror of my life, and wonder, “Is that really me back there? Did I really look like that, talk like that, THINK and FEEL like that?” It seems so far removed from where I find myself to be in this moment right now. Denial was my friend, my confidante, so many times. In regard to my relationships, my work, my inner being. I was always being a kind, loving soul. But inside, I was screaming to be acknowledged, to be treated fairly, I was angry so many times but denied it to myself so vehemently that I even believed the lie. The lie of being satisfied, of not having any heartache, that it was okay for others to trample on me.

I have turned my back on denial and those lies in my life today. I have realized that, although denial played a critical role in my life in the past, it serves no purpose for me now. Denial probably saved my life at those times. At least, my emotional life. It kept me safe. It kept me insulated from the truths that were so ugly that were around me. Thank God for denial, at least back then. In my rear view mirror.

Now, I embrace truth as much as I possibly can. I crave it. I recently have taken the opportunity to explore the idea of being a Life Coach, and will be taking a crash course over a weekend in New York, with a company that I have admired for several years now. One of the goals is to realize your full potential, and to hold yourself accountable for it. And, in 2010, in the here and now of my life, I am so ready for it. Ready for any truth that another person has in store for me, and any truth that I have for myself.

You see, I know what the root and foundation is for the life I am to lead. A life with purpose, a life based in values and integrity. I heart and soul full of love, compassion, and justice. For as long as those are my guiding principles, I know that any truth that I must face will be able to be handled, and that I can be as gentle, or firm with myself, as I need to in order to go forward and to achieve my goals.

I believe that until we face the truth of our souls, the REAL truth of how we think, feel, believe and act, then we cannot until that time show full truth to others. To look in the mirror and REALLY see yourself is frightening. Yet, it is only our selves, after all. And, when we look at that truth dead on, and embrace it with love and compassion, it becomes not frightening, but strangely comfortable and reassuring.

That, even in truth, we are pretty damned awesome. True that.