Lipstick Lesbian?
July 23, 2008Mauves, pinks, shades of brown and taupe, and when I am feeling really sassy, a bright shade of red. That is me and lipstick. I love the stuff. Even if any other makeup product was never available to me again, I would HAVE to have my lipstick. I wear it almost every day. And, for those of you that already know, and now for those that may not, I am also a lesbian. SO, it begs the question: does that make me a Lipstick Lesbian?
Hell, no. Why not? Why can one just not automatically assume (watch out for that word, you know why) that that title describes me? Because, Lipstick Lesbian, capitals intended, is not just a descriptor, it is a LABEL that I have heard of for years. You see, I try to be very aware of the labels that get used against groups of people, some of which I have been in the categories of, some not. Trailer Trash. Butch. Femme. Guinea. Redneck. And, know before I write any others, I don’t use these labels in self-identification or for others. I DESPISE labels; all they do is offend, hurt, and humiliate others, as well as disrespect ourselves by limiting what we are willing to REALLY know about a person.
Well, Lipstick Lesbian is a label that has been bestowed upon members of the lesbian club, not to describe a behavior or look, but a role that is assumed that we all play in the dating game and in coupledom. You see, the belief has long been held that in order to have a fulfilling, balanced relationship between two women, one needs to play the male role, and the other the female role; in other words, we need to conduct ourselves just as heterosexual persons do. Because, in fact, being heterosexual is really the best and only way to be, according to these people. So, it just makes sense that in order for us to lead satisfying lives, we would need to play such roles in the relationships between two women. WRONG.
You see, this is the deal. I love my woman in particular, but in general, I love women. I love being around women, conversing with them, observing them, taking in their beauty, their intellect, their energy, drive, compassion and commitment. I am not looking for a woman to be anything other that what she is in her sheer, natural, beautiful state. I have dated women that are more feminine in their demeanor and appearance, as well as those that seem to favor more masculine demeanor and appearance, as well as those women who have been more androgynous in how she presents herself…..(it may sound like I have done a lot of dating over my lifetime, but it really isn’t all THAT exciting…..). I tend to be as feminine as a woman can be in the usual assumed ways: I love wearing skirts, dresses, and the dressier the better; I don’t mind panty hose much; I wear makeup almost daily, I LOVE lipstick, which we have already covered, need I continue? However, when I have been single, I have not been looking for a woman that is the polar opposite of that in terms of her gender representation; I have a woman who is comfortable dressing up or down; who wears makeup when we are going somewhere special; who loves an intimate dinner and a day of rebuilding a porch; who has a green thumb and can check the oil in the car. I want it all, I have it all, but my happiness with whom I am with, nor the quality of our relationship, is not dependent on one of us being the husband, the other the wife.
Why is it that some people resist the need to label and assume so much? Why do any of us as humans have to be categorized at all? Is it because some people just don’t want to take the time, or use the energy that it would take, to truly get to know someone, for the details about that one person, not about the groups or “categories” that they supposedly belong to? Has it become that much of an inconvenience to get to know another human being? Not inconvenient for me. I love getting to know all of the little tidbits that make up a person, how it feels to be in their own skin, what their life experiences have brought to them so far, and look so far beyond what it seems we think we KNOW about someone.
Sure, I still will continue to learn and grow; I am always actively working at not making assumptions, but I still do it at times, because it is an old, familiar habit that was socialized into me. However, my awareness is more keen as every moment of every day goes by, I challenge myself, and as I get stronger and braver, challenge others as well, and hope to make this world a better place in the process.
What labels do you get slapped on you? Tear them off, let your individualism shine through, and let people know what is really underneath that label.
For me, the shade of the day on these lesbian lips is Sea Fleur Fuschia………
I don’t really understand the construct of “traditional roles”. I mean, obviously I intellectually understand what the roles are and the reason they are seen as “ideal” for people who believe in proscribed roles, but I don’t understand why everyone would assume that is what they or someone else should love. The times I feel the most affection for my husband are not when he’s checking the oil in the car or doing something “manly”, it’s when he’s giving the kids a bath, fixing me dinner because I’m tired, shopping for a thoughtful gift, sitting out on the porch and chatting like old friends. These are things seen by some as not manly or the husband’s role, they are the women’s role, the friend’s role, but these are the roles I love my husband for. Because he is not “male” and I “female” (or butch and femme, as it may be) but because we are together, sharing roles, adapting, changing, remaining friends.
Life is SO much more than the roles we play. (Or the labels we suffer under.)
And I should add: today is a “juicy peach” color day.
Juicy peach? I don’t tend to look so great in the peach shades, so avoid them at all costs… years ago, my favorite shade of red was put out by Loreal, called British Red Coat. They don’t make it anymore, howevere.
Yeah, labels. I agree one thousand percent, it is those behaviors that go outside of the realm of what some people expect or think we “should” be doing or acting like; I have had some of the most bonding moments with my partner when we are fixing or building something, or renovating and planning the decorating for our home. Nothing like it, but that is in my mind, what love and respect and mutual understanding are all about; the balance of everything, and needing every aspect to be present, every little tidbit about that person….
Lindsey, so glad that you came to visit!!!
Is it wrong to bow? I have the urge and am bowing in real world *bows*. GF wow! Labels take so much away from the living experience that it saddens me so often when I see it take place. We lose out on so much by labelling left right and centre, we miss out those opportunities of meeting incredible people, trying new things and again as I said… living, truly living. This is one of the most profound and beautiful posts you have ever written, hands down wows!
You have a true talent with words, may you never stop writing, never stop sharing, never stop living in your true space, who we are and not by the labels given to us. Wows!
You have my firm commitment: I will NEVER stop writing; I will NEVER stop sharing; I will NEVER stop living fully in the space of who I truly am, living openly my FULL truth; I will NEVER, EVER, EVER again live within the confines of a label……. to me, this is full truth, full living, full living of my true potential….
Thank you so much for all of your support and feedback; MEGA hugs and MWAH!!!!!!!!!!! me
That is a great article. You know I never considered this. Its an interesting thought. Another box that society wants to place us in. Thank God you had your box cutter with you. I think if I were to be in a lesbian relationship I would be the same. Because part of the beauty of a woman is just that, all that makes her a woman. I sorta actually don’t get the women who dress like men… it baffles me. Its like they are ashamed of their gender or want to be something they are not. Its confusing.
I guess at the end of the day, we are all snowflakes. Each individual and unique. God’s beautiful creations.
P.S. I love a real soft rosie lip with a nice gloss…. looks great on my extra dark complexion.
Yes, I carry my box cutter with me everywhere that I roam….. I will NEVER be placed into any box ever again…….
I love the analogy of snowflakes, and so true it is….all unique, and where we always trip up is when we try to categorize one another beyond that, it is impossible, we should embrace the similarities and differences with one another…..
I believe that there are a host of reasons that some persons like to dress or appear similar to someone of an alternate gender; there are many persons, gay and straight alike, that don’t like to be boxed in in terms of gender either; that is where talking about sexual orientation becomes complicated for persons also, because gender gets blended in with sexual orientation, and with sexual behavior, roles, etc. and it is all separate issues……
I am not a usual user of gloss, but every once in awhile, I like the shine….rock on girl!!!
Wow. What a great article! So true; some people do put labels on people; we all are guilty of this at some sometimes. I’m glad you talked about this – a gentle yet strong reminder to stop labeling people. I myself had never heard the term lipstick lesbian; I would not have known what it meant and would have thought of it to be a compliment. So, I am glad that you have informed me that it is not a compliment at all. Also, I’m also glad that you have shed some light on lesbian relationships; I see now that there is no need to be any role. That’s cool! I’ve often wondered but never asked the questions. I have friends who have had sex per se with other women; but they didn’t call themselves lesbians; so I didn’t bother to ask the questions to them; as they were not in what they called “relatinships.” Very interesting. Today I’m succlulent red – as you may well know. Blessings dearest Vanessa. Thanks for sharing! PLL, CordieB.
Cordie: welcome back! So glad to have you here visiting; I admire your writing SO MUCH; I firmly believe that the only way that our world can get better, be more peaceful and understanding, is by being willing to learn something new, be open to the fact that maybe, just maybe, we haven’t heard all of the “facts” yet; heck, I am still learning, I learn everyday, I still make generalizations, judgments and stereotypes at times, but I learn more about the world all the time, and am learning to learn about others ONE AT A TIME; there are similarities, but not hard and fast rules…… Peace to you, vanessa
i’m 5ft10, a brown belt in karate, an (ex)explosives/patrol dog handler, ride motorbikes and have broken almost every bone in my body and hands because of bikes and fighting, my skin is fried from the sun leaving me looking like a walnut, i’m physically a wreck, and do the uber dyke thang very well. i like lipstick too
I love that we all are discovering that no matter what we appear as and what personality traits that we have, we only play roles if we want to, not because they exist based solely on who we are…….. what is your favorite lipstick shade, BTW??
I know I’m late on this and all, but I was just browsing and the date of this post struck me. July 23 is my mother’s birthday. For as long as I can remember, the catagories and labels that have been assigned to my mother have haunted me. Yes, she’s a lesbian, and mannish – although more soft these last few years (she wears toenail polish, and styles her hair), and the way she looks and acts have caused others to name her things like ‘bull dyke.’ But that only describes part of her – she’s much more than her physical looks. Very few have gotten close enough to her to know she has a softer, more feminine side – after all, she’s my mom. It bothers me more that this doesn’t bother her anymore, she’s resigned to being judged as one thing even if she’s really not. I’ve seen her suffer through bad relationships trying to maintain that rugged image so many expect. I’ve suffered criticism and hate because my mother didn’t conform to society’s standards of what a woman and mother should look like.
I guess what I’m getting at here is that I agree with you, that it’s easy to fall into the trap of labelling people – and it’s hard to stop doing that. And that it affects more than the person being directly stereotyped – it affects all of us. I’m going to point my mom your way – she’d appreciate what you have to say here. I know I have.
Oh, and as a straight woman who rarely wears make-up, a good lipstick is a wonderful thing to have. I wear pomengranate – tinted lip balm, but when the need strikes, a nice berry shade is the way I go. : )
Hey thegoddessanna: I am so glad that you have stopped by!!!
I feel for both your mom, and yourself. We are raising a ten year old daughter, and our fear is often that she will have struggles about who we are as she continues to grow older. We are bracing for it, but fear it at the same time. Labelling of any kind just separates us from one another, and takes away any opportunity for understanding of another person. I admire your mother for finally saying, “tough shit, I am who I am”, which is so freeing…… I am SO much beyond being a lesbian, and sometimes, if people get stuck on that part of me, even if I don’t fit a so called “stereotype”, they tune out what else encompasses me….. that is a sad fact. I hope that your mom will stop by, and I hope that you will continue to read here…. I certainly will be by your “place” as well…. thank you so much for your thoughts, and how karmic it is that the date for this post was what it was!!! Peace, Vanessa
great blog
bentcrude: thanks and welcome! I hope that you will come back and visit again soon…….