I am not, not a kind person. Not a nice person.
What in the hell do I mean by that?
I am not nice for the sake of being nice. I am not just being “kind” to people when they ask me a question. You know what? I am no good at all at that bullshit. Being nice just to say that I am being nice.
What you get from me, is the REAL DEAL. If I am nice, it is because it is coming straight from my heart, from my soul, right where the center of my truth lies. Because, for me, love is the truest truth there is. And, if I am giving you my winningest smile, my favorite something, a gesture of help, it is because it is a true gesture of love, truth, compassion and understanding. It isn’t kindness just to be kind, or doing it because I feel like I have to do it.
I have grown so much in the last year or two, and one thing that I have learned, among the dozens of things that I have learned, is that I don’t have time to just be nice to someone because it is what I think I am supposed to do, or because I am too afraid to be truthful instead of nice. Through trial by fire, and after coming very close to giving up completely, I decided that I deserved something more genuine than that from myself. I deserved to show others who I really am, and to offer only that genuine article, and only when it felt in my heart, as the right thing to do. Gone are the days of being polite or doing the PC kind of thing, or not wnting to create friction or waves.
I can’t play that anymore.
I don’t seek out to hurt someone’s feelings, or make a person uncomfortable. I just take my own inventory, simple as that. I have yet to meet a person, even if I initially make them a bit squirmy, tell me that I don’t have the right to be truthful. And, even if they don’t like my truth, that is their process, not my own. I let go of it in love, and know that once again, I have done the best that I can do. As all of us are trying to do, yes?
I may offer gestures that are kindhearted, and I am not a mean person. However, I believe that those that matter most in my life deserve so much more than just a kind gesture; they deserve the fullness of me, they deserve the truth of my heart and my soul.
And that is what they shall get, ALWAYS.
Wows you put it so beautifully, love that “I am not a kind person” You are so right in what you say … how about this… you my dear are a genuine person, someone real, amazing and nice, how does that sound? MWAH
I think I understand what you’re getting at … that your kindness is always from the heart – always geniune and sincere … never forced or faked.
It’s funny though … how quickly our impressions of people are formed. Here I am, having been granted the gift of stumbling across your blog just a couple of weeks ago and yet I immediately got the impression that you were an extremely kind-hearted and enlightened person. So when I read the title “I am not a kind person” my first reaction was – “YES YOU ARE!”
I had to think about this for a while. Another very good post. I am too nice. I am “fake” nice to far to many people but I don’t know how to be any different. I sure wish I could be myself like you are. So many people in my life drive me to be this way. How can I anger so and so??? So instead, I smile all the while thinking “kiss my ass” and I go off on my merry way but it’s not healthy and I know this. I think being the real deal is so much better. At least people know with you how they stand. With me, the quieter I am, the more mad and upset I am.
There are more people that I’m real with than not, don’t get me wrong but I worry about the guilt I’ll feel when certain people are no longer with me that I put up with all the bullshit instead of setting myself free to be me.
Does this make sense??
Sage post.
Wait until you hit your 50’s. I love this decade..I call it the FY 50’s …sometimes that means finding yourself 50’s and sometimes it means “F You” 50’s. That may surprise you that I said that…I’ve learned to move on from negative energies though. The good thing is energies change…I know that from my own life experience. :O
My dear, ’tis is your honesty that drew me here…that and your light!
Vanessa – I wonder when honesty became unkind? When truth became negative and lies became positive in anyone’s world?
Is that what we have become? A whole species of ass kissers who are afraid to hurt anyone else’s feelings by telling the simple truth? Maybe those truths would save them from doing disastrous things to themselves like wearing “that” dress in public. Oh no honey don’t do it!
Anyway… what is the old expression? You have to be cruel to be kind? I guess thats kind of true isn’t it?
Great post sweetie. Lots to think on.
The manner in which “truth and love” is presented makes all the difference.
Fitch: Honesty is where it is at for me; becoming more truthful to myself, let alone others, above all else has been an ongoing transformation for me. Without it, the soul dies and withers away……. it is essential for fully knowing oneself. For having full self love, I wouldn’t have it any other way….
Joy: been there, done that….. still a temptation at times, but sometimes when I have faced up to the bs in the immediate, I end up with a more full sense of relief for having done so, because otherwise, I feel like I am putting off something nagging at me……. if you wish this as a change for yourself, it can come, you just need to believe and connect that with the desire, and so it begins……
Amber: I don’t know if it is that, that people just go around pleasing all of the time and leave honesty behind; I think that we often do what is easiest in the short run, due to time, pressures, etc; and then the lies or dishonesty just piles up, until the time that we need to address something it has become overwhelming….. I know that my truth at times seems so hurtful to others, so I just try to make my intentions of why I am being truthful as being just for the sake of love, and further understanding, it doesn’t always help them, but it helps me to know that I am doing the right thing…….
I always listen to my heart, for it knows best….. therefore when I speak from there, I am guided in the most true way……
Gypsy-heart: I find myself looking forward to my fifties much of the time; I can hardly believe that I am over the half way point of my forties, and they have been the most learning and magical so far in my life!!! I never ever want to do what is polite rather than what is true to my heart and to who I am…… I am way too valuable for that….
I am so glad that you are around……. Peace to you! Vanessa
You are a kind person; just because you don’t see a need to bull shit the bull shitters does not in anyway take away from your kindness. Great article; I know exactly what you are speaking of – well I know somewhat what you are speaking of. But I have found that there is more . . . i can’t explain it now. . . because it is something that you will are growing into and I can’t explain it even if I could . . . but I’m sure you will see in time. Peace, Light and Love. . . CordieB.
Disregard the last part of my comment. I was thinking of something that really has little to do with what you are saying after further reflection. As long as you speak and live your truth; then you are showing true love and giving the best kindness that can be bestowed. What I was thinking of, so as to not leave you in limbo, was that so many times in my life, I have found that after reflection, my truths were not really the truth; or in some cases my own true truths. So as I spoke and gave honestly from my own experiences and how I felt, I wasn’t looking at the situation based upon what another’s truth might be; just how I saw it or believed it to be. Is there really any truth in loving one thing more than another? Or are these truths that change from person to person – which can not really be called truths because it’s untrue with one, true with another. Of course it’s far off track with the post; but for some reason this post brough this to my mind. Anywho . . . I’m not explaining this well as I knew I would not be able to do. Peace, Light and Love to you and yours. . . . of course to your own self be true.
Mssc54: Welcome!!! I absolutely agree; just because we have truth to speak, doesn’t mean that we need to hit others over the head with it; however, what I am finding is that even if my intention is loving, it may not be felt in a loving way by the receiver; I am forever learning…… thanks for coming by…. Vanessa
Hey cordie girl: I am reading through your comment a second time, and think I get what you are saying. How can truth really be truth when it all depends on the person? I guess that means, which I agree with that concept, that I can only take responsibility of what is truth for me; just like I believe about everything, that I can only have complete control over myself and my actions, thoughts and behaviors…… so my truth can only be for me, no one else, just like I can not decide what another person’s truth will be. It makes it much easier to not be judgmental, because truth is very subjective, indeed. It is all a matter of perspective. This all sounds a bit like Philosophy; what may be a terrible choice for one person may be just the right choice for another…..
Does that sound similar? So see, maybe you were not as unclear as you may think….. you be true to your self as well, my dear…… i am so glad to have met you here… Peace and love back to you, V.
@Yeah! You conveyed it better than I could. Sometimes my “abstract poetic way of thinking” doesn’t quite come out clear. I’m glad you understand what I was trying to say. It drives some people crazy, including myself – ha ha! Thanks for the love. . . Peace, Light an Love. . . CordieB.
Excellent post Vanessa! I love your ‘bluntness’! It’s rather refreshing in a world of ‘wannabes’ and ‘people pleasers’ … me, from time-to-time, one of them! Although, I’ve found that as I’ve gotten older, the reality of what people think and say about me really doesn’t matter … because it’s what’s in the heart that matters most … I like what SanityFound says … you are a ‘genuine’ person … and well, that’s rather hard to find these days … so don’t change a thing! God Bless! ~Emily
Emily: thank you so much for stopping by! Yep, I have been a people pleaser much of my life, and I still am all about making those I love as comfortable, and when I can, contented as possible. But something interesting happened on my way to their bliss…. I found my own. And it has been gratitude and giving more purely ever since. It is such a simpler way to view the world, and the issues in it. My life is truly blessed!
I hope to have you by again soon…. DM and I are setting up coffee plans, so I hope that you are free!!! Peace, Vanessa
[...] look so great on you. But similar to what I have written in the past about not being a kind person, I would say that I am not an honest person, as much as I am a person who is all about Truth, with [...]