The fog.

I had to drive in some pretty bad fog a few days ago.  It was dense, and hard to see.  I had to be very precise and slow about how I proceeded on the road, because I couldn’t see more than a few feet in front of me at a time; I couldn’t see oncoming traffic, or tail lights in front of me, until I was practically on top of them; and it was hard to see the lines in the middle of the road.

I made it to my destination safely, but it got me thinking, as usual, about life and how the fog represents to me yet another aspect of life and living.  One of the first things that I do, when I am in bad weather or driving conditions, or if I am lost, is that I turn down the radio.  Now, a few months ago I started wondering, why is it that I do that?  I don’t need to HEAR better.  Then, the other night in the fog, I realized why it was important for me to do that.  By turning down the radio, which is catering to my sense of hearing, I can focus my sense of sight a bit more distinctly; I can channel all of my energies to the sense that needs it the most.

There have been so many times in my life when I was in a deep fog of my life.  I knew what direction that I wanted to go, but wasn’t sure that I could see the way properly, it seemed blockaded and masked, somehow.  Even though I may have gone that route, or knew that route, for a lot of my life, I was scared, because I couldn’t see the outcome.  So, I had to tune out the distractions, turn down the music and noise in my life, to pay closer attention.  I may have had to use the line on the side of the road to guide me, go a bit slower and precise, really pay attention to every turn of the wheel.  I had to be confronted with fear, fear of getting hurt, fear of the unknown.

The thing about fog is  though, that even when it is thick and apparently inpenetrable, you can see the edge of it, just barely.  You can actually see where it seems to connect with the earth, and that slight space that is clear.  That is what is to help guide us, allow us to see a bit in front of us at a time.  We are never totally in the dark, there is always some force working with us to show us the way.  It is okay to not be afraid, and to trust that we are going in the right direction.

Trust is a big part of fog.  If I am doing all that I can to proceed safely, and to go in the direction that I trust is right, than I will get to where I am going.  Even if I become a bit reckless along the way, I will still get to my eventual destination, I just might get hurt along the way.  In life, we have to trust, trust that the way we are being led is true and right and safe and the best for us at the time, then we just have to get ourselves there.  In life, there will always be things that we can see on the horizon, but so many more that we can’t see.  The deer that runs out in front of our car.  The other vehicle that runs the stop sign.  There will always be issues along our path, even some that will detract us from where we know we are meant to be going.

Don’t give up.  Don’t turn around.  If it is truly the path that you are meant to follow, then continue, persevere, keep on going.  Don’t get discouraged.  I have watched so many of us follow our paths to dreams in the last few months.

Hayden.  Lindsey.  Audrey.

They all followed the road to their dreams, although they were afraid and unsure at times, and even though it might have seemed impossible.  They did it, they ARE doing it, they are driving on even if the conditions become difficult, the fog descends and it is hard to see where they are going, and if they are even going in the right direction.

Be not afraid, keep going, keep following the lines on the side of the road, going slowly, waiting to drive right through the fog of your life, on the path to your dreams.  There are no barriers in that road to your dreams that cannot be moved; what are you waiting for? 

Your dreams are waiting for you.  Get going.  Don’t wait one more day, one more minute of your precious life.  If it takes you a bit of time and energy and effort to get there, all the sweeter the reward.

Fog always burns away, the sun takes care of that for us.  The sun always comes out.  So don’t delay.  Get to your dreaming today.

The sun is shining brightly on the other side for you.

Shiny!!!

I looked in the mirror this morning when I got to work, and the word that came to mind of the person looking back at me?  Shiny……

I shine today.  Maybe it is because the snow is lightly falling outside.  Maybe it is because I am celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow with my in laws, and my family, and then seeing my family again on Friday and Saturday.  Maybe it is because the holiday spirit is hanging thickly in the air.

Or, maybe it is all of that self love coming through, coming right out of my pores…..

Over most of my adult lifetime, I have been reflective, pensive, thoughtful, engaged in a process of self knowledge and evaluation.  Sometimes, that process has seemed to come with relative ease.  Other times, it has been extremely difficult.  Sometimes, what I have discovered about me has been a surprise, other times it has been quite predictable.

But never, never in my whole life up to this point, of right now in this moment, have I seen what I saw in the mirror this morning.  Light.  Love.  Being.  Presence.  Calm.  Peace.

Shining.

The last few weeks of my life journey have been some of the most challenging work so far in my neverending journey to the soul.  Challenging but completely worthwhile.  I have had to look with brutal honesty upon my self and how I behave.  How I react and respond.  What signals I send out to others.  What I bring to myself in terms of energy.  In the last few weeks, I have gone from being a teacher to a student of life.  That is no easy task with me, because I love giving others what I have learned.

But, often in my life, I have forgotten that, I need to learn as well.  Sometimes, more than I anticipated.  And, sometimes from the sources that I didn’t expect. 

Last night, I decided that there is no time like NOW to give myself pampering, love, attention and affection.  I blasted my favorite tunes and danced in the living room.  I drew a bath.  I lit a candle.  I made a cup of tea.  I put on lotion that I hadn’t used in awhile that smells so sweet and pure.  I read, I wrote, I listened, and I spoke.

If the moments were much better, as I am now appreciating them, I don’t know what I would do!!!!

And today, I shine.  I really do.  It absolutely overwhelms me. 

Okay, that brings me to yet another song, I just gotta do it…….

 

Shine on, happy people!!! Shine on!!!!!!!

MWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Personal Jesus

This song came to my thoughts today, hope that the title of it doesn’t offend.  But, to me, this song is about how we connect with our faith, and what we need in our lives to offer us support, guidance, and love and understanding.

Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who’s there

Feeling unknown
And you’re all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I’ll make you a believer

Take second best
Put me to the test
Things on your chest
You need to confess
I will deliver
You know I’m a forgiver

Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith
Your own personal Jesus

Feeling unknown
And you’re all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I’ll make you a believer
I will deliver
You know I’m a forgiver

Reach out and touch faith
Your own personal Jesus
Reach out and touch faith

Thank you, thank you.

How many times a day do you find yourself saying this?  Thank you for the gift.  Thanks for giving me a ride.  Thank you for picking up your toys.  Sometimes, I find myself even saying thank you, when I am not sure that it even fits!  Just an automatic response at times that ends up ringing quite hollow within for me.

With this being Thanksgiving week, it brings to my attention more than ever the need to extend my gratitude, and be grateful for so much that is presently in my life.  I feel grateful often, but feel even more compelled to be present with that gratitude when I am questioning something, or am faced with a struggle of some sort. 

To me, gratitude is not just a gesture of thanks.  Gratitude is a pure state of mind, a full presence, in what it is that we have in this moment.  Gratitude is not just for the days when we feel rather happy, but for when we aren’t feeling so wonderful, either.  It is about recognizing, and acknowledging, most of all to ourselves, what it is that we possess, spiritually, emotionally, in our relationships and world, that we feel is a blessing. 

 

For me, even the hard lessons have been a blessing.  For, if I would to go through life unchallenged, with no struggles that I have to try to figure out or make sense of, then I truly feel I would be left with so little to learn.  The foundation of who I am has been secured the most with the lessons were those in which I was tested in the fire, not lounging by the pool with a tall cool drink.  It was the toughest stuff that helped me do a couple of things:  grow more strong and capable.  And, have gratitude all the more.

 

When I am faced with adversity, there is nothing like having the love of friends and family around you to get you through it.  That is what makes the misery, sweet in a way.  Does that sound totally odd and strange?  When I was sick, very sick two years ago over Christmas, I was so grateful, extremely grateful, for the love and support of my family to care for me and be present.  I have had gratitude for their presence in my life for my lifetime, but that was a true test to me.

 

So, today, I am expressing my heartfelt thank yous.  My true, full gratitude.  Thank you for the challenges.  Thank you for the hard times.  Thank you for the simplicity.  Thank you for my family.  My friends.  My work.  My play.  Thank you to the Universe for blessing me in so many ways, in every moment of my life.

 

Thank you, thank you.

Loss? Not really, more like another life lesson in letting go.

She is there, our Audrey.  There in England, ready to begin this fantastic new part of her life journey.  As a nanny, and living in a place where she is much safer, physically and emotionally.  I feel relief, and gratitude that she has landed in a place that will be so good for her future, for her being.

However, this has been a journey and letting go and acceptance for me.  I didn’t realize that at first.  On Friday, sitting at my desk, waiting for the word that she was enroute on her journey, I felt immense sadness.  I was on the verge of tears all day, and at first, could not really pinpoint why.  I knew her journey was connected to it in some way, and at that time, it felt like loss.  Even though I knew that she would stay in touch with us, even though I knew that her new location would bring her 10,000 miles closer to the United States, it still felt like loss.  I couldn’t figure out why.

So, shortly after lunch, I took myself out for my daily walk, even though the air was cold and the wind was stiff.  And I walked, walked and walked, and went deep into my thoughts.  And breathed deeply of the crisp air.  And, just like clockwork, the connection came to me, as I opened up my mind and my heart and allowed myself to see.  It all became clear to me.

My feeling of loss was not really loss at all; it was me letting go of my sisterbee, Audrey.  Letting go in the sense of being so protective of her, that I had to let her go to her new life, new adventure, with the attitude that it is the best thing that could ever happen for her at this point in her life.  My protectiveness of those that I love is suffocating at times, because by my wanting to protect, like the mother wolf that I am, I also take away their right to go toward what it is that is really in store for them.

What I have learned about being a mother, and a friend and a loved one, is that I don’t do my loved ones any good, my pups, by overprotecting and not letting them go enough to learn their life lessons.  If I try to shelter them from life, I shelter them from that which will gift them as much as from that which may hurt them.  With Audrey, I have come to view her as one of my wolf pups, like my beloved and our daughter.  And, when I walked and got my clarity, I realized that she was not going away, she was going TOWARD.  Going toward her life.  And what mother wolf should ever stand in the way of that.

I have come into my own ways of clarity more than ever in the last few weeks.  How freeing that is!!!! Sure, I will always be protective and  want to watch out for those that I love, to keep harm from them.  But, slowly but surely, I am also learning to let go, and let them go on their way to life.

I love you so much, Aud.  And I know that this is going to be the adventure of a lifetime…….