Dear Hannah:
I wanted to take this moment right now to tell you about something on my mind and in my heart. This year, 2009, is my revolution year, which means moving and shaking the world with every step, and not holding back. Not hanging onto fear. So I am telling you about something very important.
I don’t think it is possible that I could love you any more than I do. You are so dear and special to me, and dear and special don’t even begin to cover what is in my soul. The thought of you brings tears to my eyes, just because of how meant to be it was for you to come to us. The angels definitely delivered you to our door, that is for sure! You are a true gift from heaven. And, I absolutely adore being a mom, being your mom. I loved being your mommy, for sure, but being a mom is pretty swell also.
Going from mommy to mom one year ago, when your age hit double digits, was a very difficult transition for me. You were insistent that because you were getting older, you could no longer call me mommy; that was too immature for you. I was crushed; not because it hurt me in someway. It reminded me how much you were growing up. Too fast for me, no matter how slow at times the years have gone.
This year, I am used to calling myself mom, and having you call me that. I have grown accustomed to you wanting to do things yourself, without help, and am trying to not call you any babyish nicknames in public, nor show any displays of affection in front of your friends. But, this year starts the challenge for me with the tug between holding on and letting go.
Hold on, because you are still my child, my baby, my little girl that I brought into the world. You are fragile, and vulnerable, and the world can be a dangerous place. Hold on, because life is difficult, your heart will get broken, you will have disappointments and fears and tragedy. I need to keep you close.
Let go, because you are becoming a young woman. You are a fantastic student, musician, dancer, writer, artist, and humanitarian. You have made both of us so proud in your short eleven years of life so far, and there is so many more triumphs to go. You are capable, and confident, and determined to have whatever it is in this world that you desire. I know that no matter what obstacles may get in your way, you will always forge your own path and walk, and sometimes run, toward your destiny, whether that is five minutes of five days from home. I trust that you will know how to make those hard decisions as you grow older, and that you will be wise and balanced.
Today, I consider how difficult that balance is, between holding on and letting go. I read a friend’s book that she wrote years ago, called Peaceful Parenting. Her name is Nancy Buck, and it is based on the concept of Choice Theory psychology, as to why humans behave the way that we do. What I take from her book the most, that has benefitted me as a parent, is her premise that throughout a child growing up, they and their parents continuously pass through alternating cycles of competitiveness and cooperation. Getting along and conflicting with each other. Mutuality and dissention. That describes our days and months as you grow older to a tee.
And, I know that we can all handle it. For at the base of all of this conflict, all of this cooperation, all of this holding on and letting go, is the deepest love I have ever encountered. My love for your other mom is truly deep and significant, but parental love even beats that. That love that we have for one another, the three of us, is simply the fabric that will keep us all together. Through the triumph, tragedy, good, bad, joy and sorrow. It will help us to know when to let go, when to hold on, when to ask which it is time for.
I love you so much, my beloved daughter. I know that your life will be as sweet for you as you have made it for us. Remember always, my earth angel, how truly blessed we are to have you.
