There are so many different things that I have learned over the years in my life. How to say no. How to let go. How to feel connected to the people and world around me. How to love myself and know that it is okay to put me first. How to grieve; how to laugh.
One of the hardest lessons for me in life has been being self-protective. For me, to dive in to the water, head first, has always been how I have conducted the business of my life. Now, that does not always have to be a bad thing. But, what has made it challenging in the past, is that I have dove into the water not knowing how deep or shallow it is; I have gone head first into situations, saying “yes” before I ask any questions. Giving fully of my time before I realize how far I will be overextended. Giving of my heart, freely and willingly, before I know how much of myself I am sacrificing without getting it back.
In my present life, right now today at this moment, there are so many things different about those past scenarios. First of all, I ask A LOT of questions now. Even if I do say yes to a commitment of some sort, it is not without asking all of the vital questions: how much, how long, when, where and how. Some of those things are just aspects that can’t be known, but I have learned that I deserve to know what is in store for me, to the extent that I can know.
I also state what it is that I want, firmly and definitively. I have allowed myself to speak up, to say what I want with confidence and conviction, when in the past, I have considered what is best for the other persons involved, always before myself. I don’t know that I put only myself first all of the time, but I at least keep myself in mind from the beginning of any new endeavor or situation. I have invited my dreams back into my life; allowing myself the creative mind to imagine all of the possibilities. If I can see it, I can be it.
With my heart, I have become more wise. Not cautious. Not guarded and wary as much as realistic and prepared, as much as I can be. My heart has not only been broken in this life, it has been shattered, more than once I have to say. I know that I will have many more hard falls in this life, because when you are learning and growing and adventuring, you are bound to have some mishaps. This lesson was one of the most difficult for me to learn. Not because I didn’t have many opportunities to learn it; rather, because I have never wanted my heart and soul to become hardened in order to protect myself. My greatest fear about becoming more aware and self protective, is that it would create me into a cold, unapproachable person. I have never wanted to be that way, so in my growth and change, I needed to be able to let the love in, but also, be safe from those that would want to take the love that I have to offer it, and treat it disrespectfully.
So, during my walking and wondering in the snow yesterday, I figured it out. I used to be a person that would jump out of planes, or jump off of ledges, and hope that there was a cushion, a trampoline or safety net, that would break my fall. Often, there was not. Sure, I survived the jump, but not without damage. And tears. And complete heartache.
So, I have since put on a parachute.
My parachute is my faith, my hope, and my self -love. My parachute is multicolored and bright, and strong and sturdy and with me at all times. I don’t have to stop jumping off ledges, or jumping out of planes. I am just protected now. And, I always have a safety net on the ground, just in case, which is my family, my friends, my passion.
So, I am always equipped to save myself, but just in case, I have others, people and values, that will break my fall. This isn’t to say that I don’t feel afraid; for even with all of these protections in place, the fear of jumping into the unknown is present; in spite of that however, I also feel the thrill of jumping into my future, floating down into my destiny………..
Did you pack your parachute today?
What a beautiful metaphor!
You have such a way with words. You make thing make sense for me if that makes sense!! What a beautiful metaphor is absolutely right!!! In my life I never did anything worth while, mainly because my fear of failure and complete embarrassment is so strong. I’m starting to let go of that and take more chances, I need to learn that I may fall but I have to come back stronger and try again. I have to put myself first and not worry about what others will think about it. Allow myself to fall on my face and not care if people will laugh. Say what I want to without wondering if that person will think less of me. It is a very hard lesson to learn…it’s okay to fall, I will survive. I need to find my parachute!!! Your’s is beautiful!! Another great one Vanessa!
Hayden: Thanks you!
Nikki: I get amazed at times what pops into my head; but I know it is because I am living my life more and more by being open to my thoughts and creativity; living with my parachute open, if you will. The thing is, we can always bog ourselves down with the “what ifs” about things we do, or say, or how we involve ourselves in life. I spend less and less time focused on that; because I know who it is, besides me in this world, that really count, and those aren’t the people who judge me or talk behind my back. I can’t spare a moment of my life energy worrying about how those people view me or my life. I am happy, plain and simple.
You may think that you have done nothing worthwhile in your life, but just remember that EVERY SINGLE THING that has happened in your life up to this point had meaning and purpose…… and has brought you to this place where you are, right now today. You are right where you are meant to be, please don’t forget that.
The one thing that I thought about when I was writing this post, and forgot to include, is the idea of fear in all of this. I went back and edited to add it, because I still get afraid; even when I know I have the safety of my chute and my safety net; yet, I still go on, go toward my destiny, throw myself out of that plane and into my life…….
It is SO exhilarating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Big hugs, girl!!!!
It took me a long time to pack my parachute. Like you, I set myself up many times. Don’t you think learning this comes with age? Sometimes when we are young, we feel infallible.
Joy: ABSOLUTELY; I like feeling like I am becoming more wise as I age; makes the aging process a bit less taxing…….
Age, growth, experience……. there are some, like our dear ISF, glean the experience and wisdom way earlier in their lives. But most of us go through a lot of hell to get to it……
What color is your parachute????
I love what you added!! HUGE HUGS to you!! I want a bright pink parachute with purple and turquoise polka dots!!!
Awesome color choices!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait to see you jumping out of those planes!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I truly understand the need to be over-cautious, it was one of the things I had to overcome as I overcame the fetters and illusions of the ego. I was once one of those people who had to have a back-up plan for the back up plan. You know. It is wonderful how a parachute is symbolic to that. Trusting and being available to the moment is really living. Wonderful post.
Carmellita: Thank you for you visit and comment, and welcome to my blog!!! I appreciate your presence here. What an interesting perspective; and I have struggled in the past at times with whether or not the safety net in place is necessary for my future growth or not; I have decided that it is, because it helps me to know that no matter what terrain I land on, I am secure, safe, and loved.
I hope that you will come back! Peace, Vanessa
That was a great post! I think we all pack a parachute, we just have to decide that it’s worth using.