Truth.
Hey, to be honest, I thought I had a pretty good grip on truth in my life.
Ha! So much for that.
I just came back from one of the most impacting weekends of my entire life.
I spent a total of fourteen hours exploring those areas that are keeping me stuck, leading me to believe that I cannot go forward to my dreams.
I looked within, I cried, I talked, I thought about it until my head hurt.
Then, I spilled out the truth like some bad food; it just poured right out of me, with a bit of self-consciousness, and less shame than I had ever felt.
The constructs upon which I had created my life, at the time made sense, but since then have come to be blockades in my ability to go after my dreams and goals.
I was clinging onto shame like a life raft, and all it was doing was weighing me down below the waves.
I feel like the work that I did last weekend was my beginning of deconstructing the monster that I had created. Not what others had created for me, but the beautiful creature that I crafted myself.
I took little bits and pieces of my life, that I thought would fit into the whole, and over the years, pieced them together until they seemed to craft some semblance of reality. Boy, was I wrong. The lens through which I view the world was accurate about some things. But, in terms of many parts of my life, the lens was so coated with shame, with bad feeling for self, that it was hard to view it as any kind of lesson for me for the future. No lesson that any good came out of, at least.
These two amazing days in February, among 12 others who were telling their own stories, and taking risks, and hoping to emerge more into what it is they are meant to do- those two days forever changed me. They enabled me to pull apart some of the pieces that had misconstrued meanings to them, of my own doing, and helped me to begin to understand how to rewrite some of those chapters.
The rewriting has begun.
The monster that I created, and thought was a reality for my living, is being deconstructed as we speak.
The person that I most want to be is emerging.
I have only forever waiting for me……
you got to tell me more. I need details. Feel free to shoot me an e-mail if you’d rather. My wife has been reading a book on shame lately- @ first I thought, how in the world would that relate to anything..but as she’s read me excerpts I can see (just as you said) shame can weigh a person down like a big weight…below the surface of our lives. If you’ve uncovered anything like that in your life, I can believe it would be life changing.
Van,
SHAME IS A TOOL OF THE EVIL ONE. Here is my anti-shame process.
I see shame as a feeling of humiliation brought on when we accept the condemnation of other people when we fail to meet their expectations. As Christians we should evaluate this condemnation according to scripture and dismiss it with no shame if it does not agree. If it does than I seek reconciliation. Either way – NO SHAME.
We must not confuse this with Godly conviction intended to show sin in our lives that needs to be repented for and submitted to God for his cleansing from our lives. God has the perfect authority (HE is GOD after all) to convict AND the power to lovingly make us anew when we give ourselves over to Him. Then He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin. Again – NO SHAME!
The only time I feel shame is when I am hiding out from God – and I know it.
email sent my friend……:)
For me, shame has been something that I embraced due to the views of others around me about certain things. My understanding that I am gaining is that no matter what others think about me or my actions, I do not have to embrace shame as a way to think about the past, or the present for that matter. Shame is one thing in life that is so unnecessary, yet as humans we are so prone to it.
I feel the same as DM in terms of detail and curiosity!!
I am looking into doing a course in counselling but your post really intrigued me. However, I do understand and respect that this is a very personal experience.
Hugs from me.
Of course, we all have our “monsters”: our self doubt, shame, fear…but what’s great is that you are letting your “angel” unfold it’s wings, aiming higher…HIGHER Vanessa because you are ready for this!!!
“The person that I most want to be is emerging”
I don’t think I have read anything more beautiful. You are wonderful! And I can’t wait to know that person better.
J: I will be writing much more about this topic; it is deeply personal, but also shrouded in secrecy, and secrets kill. No more of that for me. Thank you for your support; hugging you back, my friend!!!! V.
helen: You are so right; monsters hide around so many corners until we chase them away, OR tame them. That is what I am learning more every single day.
That quote that you recited is really what this journey has become about for me; less about what I want to be doing, but more about WHO I most want to BE. WHat a shift!!!! Hugs! Vanessa
Thank you so much for your response to my blog:
HOW TO BE HAPPY IF…http://drsue3.wordpress.com
My blog is still a work in progress
(I plan to organize my Happiness Habits list into categories for easy reference).
I look forward to hearing your ideas!
Would you like to put each other’s blog on our blog roll?
Let me know…
Hugs 2 U Dr. Sue
Dr. Sue:
DONE! And I will let you know if I can think of anything grand for your categories!!!! Vanessa
Hi there!
I stumbled upon your blog looking for an “yellow brick road image” (there’s one in an old post of yours) and I couldn’t help myself start reading your posts… I don’t know you but you write very touching and this last post comes right in! You discovered something huge and made a big step forward, good for you! I wish you courage and sunshine and a clear yellow road… go for it!
Marit: Thank you so much for your visit! I am putting your blog on my blogroll; my beloved is an artist, and I love your creativity and your free flow; the ocean calls to both of us as well, however, for this phase of our lives, we are living far from the ocean until that is to be……..
Have an awesome day!!!!! Vanessa
Hi Vanessa,
Think you will like the monster reference on my Blog Post:
HOW TO BE HAPPY IF…You’re Single (Challenge Dance)
http://drsue3.wordpress.com
Hugs 2 U Dr. Sue
Thanks Sue!!!!
Isn’t self-discovery and growth an amazingly awesome journey? Enjoy the ride, my friend. You are a fabulous being with so much to offer the world. Don’t hold one little part of yourself back!
Kim: It is the most exciting thing that I could ever do in my life!!!!!!!! I feel so opened up, real, engaged in every moment, even more than I did a couple of months ago. It is truly a miracle, one that I brought to my own life, realizing and telling the truth about who I really am. Believe me, I am going to let every single part show!!!!