Monthly Archives: September 2010

Keys to the kingdom!

I have not believed in my ability to dream my dreams, let alone have them, in so long. I think that the last time I really believed in my dreams, was when I first was readying for college. Then, everything seemed possible. I would get my degree, get work in my field, and live in my own place. I would have my own car, travel home to see my family, and one day, have a family of my own. DREAMS!

And, then, as I started to have these initial adult dreams become a reality: graduation from college, apartments as an adult, cars, and partners and a family- I stopped dreaming. I stopped believing that there could be more. That I WANTED more. I was satisfied, satisfied with the beauty of my current life. And, it wasn’t that it wasn’t great, it just wasn’t, isn’t, EVERYTHING. I forgot about the other dreams that were also still calling to me from deep within.

My dream of being a published author.
My dream of travelling all over the world to meet my readers.
My dream to have great physical health and a rocking body.
My dream to have enough money available to me that I wouldn’t have to pinch every penny.
My dream of an open,deep relationship with my family.
My dream of being fully out, loud and proud as a lesbian.

I forgot about all of them, at least for a time. I thought it was too complicated, too much work, too much time, not enough resources, not enough support.

What I am fully realizing now, is that all along, I have been holding the keys to the kingdom. I have been the one in charge of how soon I would realize that these dreams are still meant to be fulfilled. That no dream that I dream is too big, or out of reach. That as long as I can dream it, as long as I have the desire in my mind and my heart, I can make it happen.

There are no more excuses. No more reasons that I could site that are why I am not going after that which I dream of most. No one’s responsibility but my own.

I can stop knocking; the keys to the kingdom are in my hand.

In yours, too.

Cleaning up my money!

Boy, oh boy, do I have shit to clean up in my life about money. For most of my adult life, I have LOVED having credit cards. I love how they look when you get them in the mail; I love how easy it is to shop and get what it is you have been looking for; I love how you can pay just a little bit at a time, so it always seems like you can afford it and can continue to live within your means.

What I am discovering, through this amazing coaching work that I continue to do through Handel Group, the work that will now be the work of my life, from now on, is that my relationship with money and how I view it has been one big LIE. I have lied at times about why I need to spend money; I have lied about my credit amounts; I have lied about my ability to afford something. Now, there I go again, using that great big bad word, LIE. Calling myself a LIAR. It may seem harsh to some of you; not to me.

I choose not to use the words DENIAL or JUSTIFIED, or BECAUSE when it comes to offering some type of explanation about the areas of my life where I have lied (which is many of them). I am choosing not to use any words, but lying and liar, because, for me to change this behavior, to get it on a good, tight leash, I need to call it what it is, with no wiggle room to get out of my responsibility of it all. I have to hold myself accountable to it all.

What is my tally? Well, let’s see. Today was the day that I scheduled to cancel all of my credit cards, store and general, that have no balances on them: NINE. It was also my day to lower my limits on the cards that still have balances: $32,896.00. All credit card debt. TOTALLY gross.

I am taking it down, people. I looked at my budget today, too. I mean, REALLY looked at it. What I make, what I have for regular expenses, monthly and yearly. ALL of it. I am bringing in less than I am putting out; not by much, but there is a definite lack of cash flow there. Never again will I use credit to bail me out of that lack of cash flow hole. That is for certain.

So how am I taking it down? Staying within my budget. Paying off every, single credit card, whether that is through a low interest balance transfer (got approved for one today), consolidation with a personal loan, or just paying above the minimum until they are gone. One of the sickest part of it all, is that if I didn’t have all of this credit card debt that I am paying for every month, I would have an additional $800.00 at my disposal. SERIOUSLY????!!! It is just plain gross, bratty and unnecessary.

I want bigger things in my life, greater dreams for myself, than catering to the whims of my bratty credit card spending self is going to get me. I can live in a budget; I can live within my means; I can have anything that I want and need in this life, and more! I can.

I CAN!

The investigator

I am getting a lot better at wanting to ask questions. Wanting to find out more information about the situations and relationships in my life. And, it is such an interesting living, made by being an investigator.

I have always been so good at living inside my own head. The way someone answers me, looks at me, or walks away from me, had such clear clues in my mind of what was really going on with them, that I always knew just how they felt and what they were thinking. I was certain, no, ABSOLUTELY certain, that I knew exactly what they were thinking, and how the look on their faces was meant only for me.

The thing is, I have always considered myself to be pretty intuitive. Able to read and sense what is going on with people without them saying so. Then, when I would investigate and ask questions, they would often confirm what I had sensed, and be amazed that I was able to catch that. For those types of scenarios, a strong sense of intuition has served me well. It has been a positive experience.

Where it has been problematic for me, not just in theory but really caused problems, is in my closest relationships. In those relationships, the most active conversations that I engaged in with them existed in my head. I would not say what I was thinking or feeling, and then assume what they must be thinking in their own head in response. I would look for unsaid clues that they might leave lying around, to help confirm my thoughts or suspicions. I would investigate and do my best to come up with what I thought was the predicted result. All without asking one question to confirm or deny my suspicions.

Not a very accurate way to communicate, right?

I am stepping up the game in a big way. If I am playing this game of life to win, then I need to be clear, honest and transparent with those around me, by asking the questions that are in my mind and heart, not assuming anything, and really being willing to find out the truth. That is it, you know. I never wanted to know the real truth; it is safer to live in my head and create the story that is more palatable, rather than have to face up to the real truth is. So, as the creative weaver of stories that I am, I can make the truth whatever I want it to be.

Or, I can go for the gusto, go after the real story. Instead of looking for clues, I can ask the direct questions and find out the real truth. And guess what?

That is the stuff that is going to change my life.

Confessing

Part of the work that I am doing with the Handel Group involves making a list of all of those incidents in my life that have had a last affect on me, that to think about to this day have an acute response within. My list so far, of haunts as they are called, is over thirty recollections. Now, I have not had a traumatic or troubled childhood, as I would call it. I am able to recall those circumstances that most impacted on forging the path of who I am today. And all of them, and my part in authoring them, have to be rewritten and handled.

With many of these recollections, confessions are necessary. That can mean, confessing to the person or persons whom I have wronged; confessing to new people in my life about what I have done; confessing to those I am just meeting in order to bring more transparency and understanding. No matter what, confessing in its truest form, has been a struggle for me up to this point in my life.

To me, confessing always sounded like deeper, darker work than acknowledging my responsibility in something. And, in a very true way, it is. To admit what I have done wrong, or screwed up, has been easy for me much of the time in my life. I have said the words and apologized. However, CONFESSING truly ups the ante. In confessing, I am truly taking stock in what it is I have done. I am inviting feedback from the person I have done the action to. I am not just saying my apology and running away. I am FACING my wrongdoing.

Last night, I had one of my training sessions for my coaching work, and I talked on the call about my history of drinking and driving. It is a long history, one that never involved being arrested, or having an accident. I always went out to the bar, or the club, with the intention to drink enough to get drunk. However, I often had others in the car with me, including my partner and our daughter. And, in my earlier years of drunkenness, I was often so drunk, that I would pass out shortly after arriving at my destination. I am telling you the truth on this one.

Although I have a chilling feeling when I confess this, that I did this thing and really didn’t give a shit about my passengers, or others on the road, or the law, I also understand the power and the magic that lies in it by confessing. I was arrogant, self centered, and thought that I was entitled to do whatever I wanted, with no regard to safety or to the rules. And, my intention when drinking booze was often, to get drunk.

The magic of this for me, is in how freed up I feel, by telling the truth about this. Part of the work that I am doing is cleaning up the messes that I have designed in my life. My doing. Going back and checking out with those that have been my passengers when I drove drunk, is one way to clean up. This is another way; letting the world know my way of designing in the past, how utterly self centered that was, and my pure intention to do it differently now.

Do you have anything that you have been deeply needing to confess to someone in your life?

I highly recommend it. With love.

Being breathed.

I do a rather intense workout at least six mornings a week. I have been inspired by it, fired up by it, and it has kicked my butt literally into shape. It is called Intensati, and the creator is Patricia Moreno. It is a combination of yoga, cardio, and martial arts, with meditation and affirmations while you do the physical moves. It is a combination that is ringing true with all that I am experiencing and finding out about myself at this point in my life.

At the end of the workout, I always do the cooldown. Toward the end of the cooldown, I lie down on my mat, and am encouraged to get present to the miracle of being breathed. Not having to do anything, but be present to what is being done for me, BREATH. Although I have to say I have never truly thought of breath as something other than having enough, or not, it really brings me an acute awareness of my presence here.

Being breathed. The fact that in this moment, I am writing, thinking, moving. Yet, my breath is being done for me, that is the miracle of it all. I am so grateful to be getting so present to my life, at least once a day, to the miracle of the breath, the miracle of life, and that I am glad to give gratitude for all of it. The gifts, the struggles, the magic and the heartache. The miracles given to me feel so much more magical and special through the lens of gratitude.

I really have found nothing quite as powerful as breath, as a way to get truly present in this very moment. When I focus only on my breath in, breath out, just allowing it to be, I have to be right here with it to truly embrace the power of that miracle.

Truly amazing.