Love letter to my daughter, 2011.

My dearest daughter:

There is no doubt, that as you cross my mind and my heart, a dozen times or more a day, a sweet smile comes across my face. The thought of you, and your presence in my life, is no less than a joy to me. A joy to me, because of what an amazing young woman that you truly are.

You and I have gone on many journeys, and encountered many challenges since your conception fourteen years ago. The journey of your development was so amazing for me. I felt you growing, and moving and changing inside of my body. What a rush! Jamie could feel you kicking, hiccuping, and growing as well. Even though I could not yet hold you in my arms, I felt so incredibly close to you.

Once you were born, I wanted to think that I had it all together, that I knew exactly what I was doing. And, in some respects, I did. I knew how to change diapers and give a bottle, how to gently move limbs to change your clothes, or hold you close when you fussed. I had little confidence in those abilities, especially when I didn’t know how to breast feed you properly; how to get you to sleep the way that you needed to. How I wasn’t always sure how to know if you were getting what you needed.

I learned. You grew. And, it became easier and easier for you to let me know what you needed.

This journey that we are embarking on now, the breakup of your parents, well, we have been here before. And, every lesson that I have learned in the last year, about how to speak the truth, about how to let others know when I am not being honest, all of those lessons are going to help us much more this time around. Last time, I didn’t know if I should tell you what was going on at all. I wanted to protect you from hurt, I wanted to keep you loving me no matter what. I didn’t want to know that I was the one that you were hurt by, or angry at. I couldn’t face that.

This time, I know that you deserve to know the truth, to know what is happening and when. You deserve to be part of the plans, of seeing where else you will get to live, and how we can work out all of the details so that you can make another home for yourself, in addition to the one that you have now. This time, I know I don’t have to act Superhuman with you. Human works much better; it is cleaner, and more honest. And, sets a much better example for you.

I know that you may be hurting through this, or angry. Even angry with me. Remember, I am a grownup. I can handle it. I understand if you are angry, hurt, relieved, afraid. I can be here for you through it all. Or, if it needs to be someone else there for you, as long as you are talking about it, I am grateful.

I love you so much. I love you more than I ever knew that I could love another human being. I will lay down my life for you, I will keep you safe, I will always be around when you need me. I am proud to call you my daughter, and proud of the mother that I am becoming through you and with you.

For always and forever, you are the biggest part of my heart.

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2 thoughts on “Love letter to my daughter, 2011.

  1. You are remarkably brave and strong. This is evident in your actions and in your willingness to open up to your most beloved daughter, understanding that it is best for her for you to do so. Not many are that brave…be very proud of yourself and realize that you, in doing what you have done, have the ability/capability to find happiness in life….you are resolved to do what is right in many aspects of your life…remmeber your words..you are human not superhuman so don’t beat yourself up if there is a setback…I know you will be able to get through it all and I admire you greatly.

  2. I never realized how brave I am; now, I am finding my bravery more and more often. It is scary to be brave, weird as that sounds! So much change in my life right now, I feel scared all of the time. I know and trust, deep down, that all will be well. Thanks for stopping by again……:)

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