Change is hard.

The interesting thing about change, is that even when it is hard, it is necessary. Even when it is necessary, it is hard. In my life currently, both go with one another. There are changes in store that need to happen, that have to be based on the way that life has been, however, they are changes that are some of the most difficult of my life so far. Changes that go deeper than I have gone in the past, and have me relying on my faith more often, faith and trust that all will be well.

For me, what makes these current changes so hard are that people get hurt by them. Even me. Sure, I am looking forward to a new beginning. I am looking forward to less conflict, better communication and more understanding. However, there is no avoiding the fact that these changes have hurt people, angered people. And, as I realize that more as time goes by, I am learning how to allow those feelings in others to be, and to understand that change happens even when that is present.

There are those that I know in my life, and even times in my life when I believed it myself, that if something is hard, or is going to create conflict or hurt toward others, we just shouldn’t do it. Even if it is the truthful, right thing to do. No matter what, do no harm. However, what I have learned is that I actually do harm to others if I am not living authentically, if I am acting as if all is well when it is not. That does harm, because it leads people to believe that I am someone that I am not. I am trying to clean that up now, and cleaning stuff up is not always clean cut, and surely not easy. I almost equate change these days to growing pains, pushing out of where we are right now and moving toward the next phase of our lives, and that growth can be painful.

This is a hard road at times, one that I have actively designed and chosen this way, ALL of it. Great lessons have come, and I have so much gratitude for what I have learned and for the persons in my life. For those who feel hurt, betrayed, or wronged by me, I hope that there will be a time that they find forgiveness, compassion and understanding. I hope that there will be understanding that truth is the only way to go forward in life, and the main lesson that I want to instill into our daughter.

Change is hard, yet necessary and right, especially when it means living a life of truth.

The countdown

I don’t mean to be actively counting down, yet I am. Counting down the days until I am living somewhere else. Counting down the days until I have a space that I truly feel at peace in, which I haven’t felt in my current environment in a long time. Countdown to a relief from the daily pain of this process. Countdown to taking a leap off a cliff that leads to a brilliant body of water…..

I know that the leaving of the home brings with it some sadness for me. Since Saturday, I have been saying at the end of each night, “This is the last Sunday I will live here; this is the last Monday that I will sleep here”; the last dinner, dog walk or watching DVD’s together. And, the thing is, I don’t feel dramatic and devastated by that. I feel factual about it, and a sense of closure. Closure for me, brings some sadness, because it is the end of a chapter of my life that had some brilliant, loving moments. However, it is true time for it to come to a close.

I have been taking items to the new home for a few days now, and as I walk into it, I can envision what I will do to make it ours. I can see my daughter’s room as the way that she wants it for herself. I can see the brilliant colors that I intend for my kitchen, and my garden in the side yard, full of tomatoes. I see our chairs on the side porch for evenings after dinner, and the drapes that are going to beautify our living room. I absolutely love what it is, and what we will create it to be.

So, I know that there is sadness there, yet the bigger part is a profound feeling of being so right, such a proper decision. Even with the sadness and other emotions that have been swirling in our world around this, this is absolutely the right thing to do. For all of us. For me.

In just four days, I will be driving home, which will be a whole different place. It will feel new at first, maybe even foreign, however, it will be my own and bring me home in so many ways for me in my life.

Learning to trust myself

I was on my call with my coach yesterday, through the Handel Group. I was filling her in on my newest accomplishment, which is maintaining my weight week to week, without keeping a food log. About three years ago, when I decided I wanted to take the last 25 or so pounds off, and keep it off for good, I started logging my food each day. I had never done that before, and had always gained back the weight, or played around with losing at least. The food log worked, for years.

But lately, it seemed that even with the food log, even with obsessing at times about what was, and wasn’t, going into my mouth, I was fluctuating week to week by a few pounds at times. I finally opened up and talked to my buddy about it, and asked her what she thought; I told her that I was considering letting go of the image of a certain “number” to see on the scale, and just get real and get healthy about what I saw and felt. She said, absolutely!!! She also told me that I had to LOVE who I saw in the mirror, and that it would never work if I didn’t, no matter what the scale said.

So, what she said to me hit home for me, and I stopped logging my food. I was a bit scared, because I still didn’t quite trust myself. However, I added another step, too. I started loving who I saw in the mirror, and began every day, looking at myself before or after my shower, and only thinking powerful, affirming thoughts. And, I found that I started trusting myself more, without the log. I ate when I was hungry, only until satisfied, I didn’t mindlessly eat, I didn’t binge, and I kept on exercising. And, the scale said beautiful things, and I loved, and still do, what I see on the scale and in the mirror. I really, deeply trust myself, for the first time in my life.

Making that connection with my coach, and realizing that in many areas of my life right now, I am deepening my trust for myself, was profound. Because I trust the big change that I am making this weekend, with my move to a new place, is helping to avoid going to “feeling guilty” or “bad”, and instead, riding along with the moments, showing compassion, being firm, yet loving, and going forward.

Trusting myself is an amazing journey, and I am so glad that I am finally here!

I miss my mom.

My mom is in Oklahoma right now, visiting with her only sibling, and her closest living relative, her younger brother. Although his contact with her over the years has been sporadic, he absolutely adores her. So, this morning on Facebook, I could feel him beaming through the computer as he told me how glad he is that she is with him. And, my eyes filled with tears.

I felt the love that he feels for her, and it made me deeply miss my mom. That deep feeling does not hit me all that often. Sure, I wish she lived closer, and crave time with her at times. But, today was a deep longing and missing of her. The only time that I come to close to feeling that way, is when I am really sick, and I miss and want my mommy. I feel little and vulnerable and want her to take care of me.

Today is much different. I miss my mom, my mom that I am building the adult relationship with in the here and now. The mom who is going to buy the linens for my daughter and I for our new place, as her gift to us. The mom that wants to hear about my life, although I assumed for many years that she wasn’t interested. The mom who is so strong, and kind and full of knowledge, that is who I miss.

I have realized so much in the last year how much I truly admire her. She has worked most of her life, she has struggled with physical pain and illness, she has moved and supported her husband in so many ways, and she has raised five children. She had to bury one, and watch her other children go through hardships that she could do nothing to change. She is strong.

So, that is who I miss today, my dear mother who is a cherished parent and friend to me. And, who I know and am proud to say, I am like in so many wonderful, beautiful ways.

I love you, mom.

Making myself small.

I have this thing that have done many times in my life, when I want to be less conspicuous, when I don’t want to cause, or be the source of conflict, or when I no longer feel welcome somewhere. I have tried to make myself smaller and smaller, like the Incredible Shrinking Woman. Have my presence be less and less apparent so that I didn’t piss anyone off, or use too much of something, or inconvenience anyone.

As a way to avoid conflict, it seemed like a noble effort I guess. However, it would end up that I would feel cloistered away to now make myself too visible, and then feel like I didn’t even belong where I was anymore. I would almost disappear, or at least wish that I could have.

Today, I still have a tendency to draw toward that, to try to make the peace, even out of an incredibly difficult situation. However, I find myself challenging this behavior more and more, as I go forth into my new home, and moving is only days away. I could easily just walk away with just the belongings that were clearly mine, packed in neat little boxes, and pretend for the last few days that I don’t even live here. To not make too much of a mess, or use too much of what has to remain when I am gone.

Nope, not doing it. I live here. I exist in this moment. I WILL NOT make myself small to keep the peace.

I used to do this more often in my life, because in my mind back then, speaking up for myself always meant I would have to have a fight to express my thoughts. I know that isn’t true now. Sometimes, verbal conflicts still occur. Sometimes, hurtful words get said to me, or harsh actions, and I don’t have to act a certain way. I stay present to the best of my ability, and breathe through it, and realize that it is not forever, and I am strong and can deal with anything, and I mean, ANYTHING that comes my way.

I am not striving to be a martyr, or a hero. Been there, done that. Really, I have tried to be the martyr or the hero in the past. I don’t want to save the day anymore, for anyone but me. I don’t want to be a martyr anymore; I just want to sort out my own difficulties, and I want others to learn how to sort theirs out, too, instead of taking it in. I just want to be the best person that I can be, and be a truth teller and live my life in a transparent way. I want to actually be a good person, not just try to look like a good person.

And, to save the world, I won’t make myself small anymore. What I want to do in this world is too big to be small……