I have been working really hard for the last year, through my work with the Handel Group, on getting more honest and confessing when I have not been honest. Telling the truth and standing by it. Not trying to appear a certain way, just being myself. It has been really hard work, especially at first, to do things in an unfamiliar, new way and have it become more natural. However, I have done it and feel so much cleaner and open because of it.
This means having a lot more conversations, and many of which have been hard ones to have. I have had the ability to have them all along in my life, yet the willingness was not there. I always thought to ask, or tell, certain things to certain people in my life meant conflict, hurt feelings and discomfort. So, why do it it if I could avoid it? I did avoid it for much of my adult life and am now understanding clearly why the relationships in my life have turned out fucked up, at least, many of them.
So, I have started having those difficult conversations. Lately, I am having them on a daily basis. At first, when I would make my first attempts at them, I felt awkward, I sounded awkward and rehearsed. Sometimes, I just blurted stuff out, to feel self satisfied that I had said it. However, that wasn’t enough. That was without grace, just raw truth. So, as I go forward, I am also learning the absolute need for grace in these conversations; to be gentle, yet firm. Kind, yet forthright. And, it has gotten better and easier.
The kicker is, at first I thought that my grace and honesty would influence the receiver into responding in a certain way. And, with some conversations, my honesty prompts the same in the other person, and a door is opened up. However, in many of those recent, hard conversations, it doesn’t go that way, so my hard conversations are also about being true to what I have to say, without expectation of how the other person will respond. It makes it feel lighter, and more in tune with my part, not theirs.
I feel more whole and balanced than I have in years, because I am living true to my promises, working toward more consistent integrity, and going toward my dreams without looking back. I know that I can have whatever I set my mind to, and intend on creating my best life ever.
