I feel some healing going on. Healing of my heart and soul. Healing of my mind and what it is that I choose to focus on. In the right here and now, I truly believe that everything is going to be okay.
In the last eight days, I feel like I have been in a wind tunnel. Fighting against the strong gale force that is pushing me in one direction if I let go; yet going against it to not be pushed. In one way, letting go is the only way to get through all that is happening. In another way, pushing against the prevailing winds is the only way to get through.
So, the only way to true healing, I am discovering as I write these very words, is to feel the wound, and to speed up the recovery; only through doing both will I heal fully.
I never used to want to feel the pain of loss and grief in my life. I remember when I was in college, and my beloved Nana died of cancer while I was in my Sophomore year. She was the closest person to me to have died up to that point. I was so grief stricken, numb. I just could not believe that she was gone. However, I did all that I could to not feel all the pain of it. And, when my grades that semester sucked, I had a hard time understanding why. I didn’t want to acknowledge how deeply I was hurting, and I didn’t give myself the time I was due to heal. I pretended it didn’t hurt, and just sped up the recovery before I was ready.
Today, I know that to either dwell on the wound, or pretend it doesn’t hurt, to do either of those things exclusively does nothing to aid in the healing of a deep hurt. I have to do some of both for it to heal and to leave as slight of a scar as possible. So, I have spent the last few days feeling the pain of loss and change, and also, creating my new home to speed up the recovery.
So yes, I am healing, it feels like we all are, and I am proud that it is not because we ignore the pain or the difficult moments, but because we feel them and allow ourselves to absorb all parts, so the healing can be long lasting.
We are all going to be okay.
