I am discovering the true meaning in my life of the word selfish. Now, most of the time, I have believed that being selfish meant that I was focusing only on myself, and not considering others. I have since learned a deeper meaning of the word, and one that is more accurate for the way I have lived my life so far.
I have often, actually, almost always, focused on the way that the actions of others have impacted me, whether I felt hurt, or slighted, or loved or adored. I was almost fixated on what others would do, say or think in relation to me. I called it various things in my life: love, codependency, openness. I never called it selfish. However, now I see it through a different set of eyes, and I believe that the selfishness that I have been guilty of in the past has been of this nature: selfishly focused on what others MUST be doing to me.
What I heard so profoundly at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night, was that people are doing stuff, they just aren’t doing it TO ME.
I have taken almost everything personally in my life. Seriously. And, to me, that is the epitome of self centeredness, to believe that every one that I encounter has some issue with me, something personal that they are acting out about, or that they want to get me for. Funny, now that I think about it.
In focusing on other people, I was more concerned with me, really, than with them.
I am learning now, learning what it truly means to be selfless, loving and open toward others. It isn’t by judging them, or believing that everything that they say or do has something to do with me. I can only get beyond that by trusting, surrendering, and believing with a faithful heart that I am being watched over, and that all will be well.
The amazing part of that all is, that this is the most open that my heart has ever felt. As I develop my faith, trust, and learn to surrender, i am able to love more openly and deeply.
Who knew? I continue to learn!
