I’m not mad at God.

A close friend of mine died this week. I have been friends with his mother for twenty three years, and I have watched him grow up, since he entered her life at less than two years old. This week, he let go and crossed over.

When I first found out, I felt stunned, in shock, numb in a way. For a few minutes, I didn’t know what I felt. I felt everything and nothing at the same time.

After I recovered from the initial impact, I started praying.

This is interesting for me, because I haven’t always turned to my faith when I was seeking answers, or expressing gratitude for my blessings. I have taken for granted that certain situations and persons would be in my life, and that humans were at work for having things be as they were. Not so, as I am finding out.

I am growing as a spiritual being, and in that growth, I have figured out that I don’t have to get mad at God, when things turn out badly. I have a history of getting really mad at God, especially when I believed that God was responsible for taking someone away from me, when a loved one dies. I would scream out, in my mind and my heart, “WHY?” It was always dramatic, and disconcerting. Because, I usually didn’t get an answer with which I was satisfied.

Today, my faith and spiritual self feels different. I feel present to my life. I feel a deep awareness of how small I am, in the whole scheme of things. How no matter what, I have so much to be grateful for, to appreciate in my life, in every, single moment that I am given on this earth.

I don’t like to feel out of control, and admit my powerlessness in my own life. Yesterday, I got really present to that powerlessness. I felt sadness, I felt loss, but I didn’t feel angry. Instead, I expressed my gratitude, for those that are in my life, for having them still with me, for as long as that might be. I expressed thankfulness for knowing my dear friend, and having him in my life for twenty two glorious years.

I felt God with me, watching over me, and comforting me.

And, it brought me great peace.

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