I have managed to feel like I am dealing with, cursing, or shaming myself about my relationship with my physical body since I was nine years old. When I was nine, even a bit before that, I became very aware that I was overweight. Fat. Chubby. Heavy. I have used each of those words on myself, and had others use those, and more, to emphasize that I wasn’t the proper ratio for my age and height.
When I say that not ONE DAY has gone by since that time, 41 years ago, when I don’t think about my body in some way that is less than loving, is an understatement. Although I cannot recall each and every day since that time, I am pretty certain that I have felt lousy about my body most of my life.
It has been a journey, mind you. At times, I have lost a lot of weight, that was better for my health and well being, and felt a temporary sense of pride, and joy in my new found shape and size. Then, I would gain it back, or be filled with fear each day that I would gain it back, if I decided to have a cookie, or a piece of cake.
Can anyone relate?
Now, this is not an issue that was caused by anyone; that holds the accountability with anyone, except me and my perception of ME. The ugly voices, that tell me that say to myself that I am fat, that my thighs look big, that my upper arms look chunkier, that is my Shadow Self.
If you think about a shadow, it is literally a reflection of who we really are. When we are walking along the sidewalk, and catch a glimpse of our shadow, it is our figure. Now, the image is often distorted, by the way that the light catches it.
But, it IS us. And, the LIGHT is what makes a shadow.
My Shadow Self wants to keep me in this circle of doubt, anger, shame and ridicule about my body, whether I am underweight, overweight, or just right. I thought that I had it fooled when I would lose pounds, weigh myself weekly, and keep it in check.
This week, I was helped to realize that I need a new game plan.
So, I am embracing my Shadow Self. If I think to myself, “I am gaining some weight here”, I can say, “So WHAT?”. The thought does not have to bring a value to who or what I am. It is a thought, and I can dismiss it away as easily as hold onto it.
And, guess what? We can change what we think about anything at ANYTIME; our perception, and the variation of it, is always up to us.
So, this week, I decided to embrace my Shadow Self, love my body more, and let the thoughts be, and then drift away.
I am building a tremendous life.