I have been considering this post long and hard. I have wanted to call it something different. I have felt afraid about speaking about these words that I think benefit us all to hear. So, in spite of the fear, I am here, facing it, and telling the truth.
There is a Killer inside each one of us. Not cancer, or heart disease or high cholesterol. It is something deeper, more entrenched and part of the heart, but not a physical illness.
We all have it; and, for those of you that may read this and say to yourself, or even out loud, “That is NOT me!”, I applaud you; AND, ask you to take a close look at where this resides, even inside of you.
I would have been the first person in line two years ago, even a year ago, insisting that I was evolved; compassionate; free of judgment and ill will toward others.
And, I was lying about that. Not lying to intentionally bring harm to others, but to keep looking good, as a saver of the world, and a person that was perfect, loving and caring.
The Killer takes on many forms. It is judgment. Thinking negatively about someone. Feeling deep seated anger, resentment and rage over an issue. It is the feelings that manifest into behaviors like kicking the dog, breaking an object, throwing the finger at another driver in rush hour traffic.
Does that sound familiar at all?
I am guilty of any and all of the examples just cited. Yet, I used to smile and pretend that I didn’t really feel these things. The things that don’t get talked about, so I wouldn’t appear to be a bad person. So, instead of being a bad person, I was a liar pretending to ALWAYS be a good person. I was a good person, a good portion of the time. However, when I was feeling not so genuine, not so loving and compassionate, I put on a face that gave you the impression that I was.
You see, we all have our weapons, and we keep them sharpened, razor sharp mind you, so that we can cut our friends, enemies, families and coworkers to the quick, inflicting the most pain in rapid fashion. Even if this is just our thoughts, which it so often is, we believe that our thoughts are real, and that the other is the enemy. That somehow the look that the person at the bank just gave us is an affront to all that we represent. That the fact that our dog won’t go the bathroom quickly outside is personal toward us.
The real truth is, the aspects of others that I am so willing to point out in them, their selfishness, rudeness, coldness…… those are aspects that are glaring in me. And, the louder that I protest, the more likely it is something that I want to hide in myself.
Hope is not lost, however. I am constantly, and I mean, CONSTANTLY, looking for ways to catch my judgmental side; and bring those negative thoughts out into the light, by talking about them, so I can share with someone else what lives in my head, and be able to assess just how true it is, or is not. I want to evolve; I want to love more and resent less. So, I keep working it. I keep strengthening the muscle so that I am more likely to love.
For we are only ever choosing, either Love, or Hate.
What do you choose?