The love affair with my life

I am involved in a passionate, flaming, love affair. It is intense, it is vital, it is amazing and real.

It is a love affair with my life. My entire life.

I love the ordinary moments. Waking up and making coffee. Getting our daughter ready for school. Walking the dogs. Washing the dishes. Even the most ordinary moments have magic, because as I complete those tasks, I am so vitally aware of how present I am. In this time of hustle and bustle, of time being in short supply and tasks being many, I still make an effort to be ever present, in that moment. And, when I do that, I find myself smiling, giggling, so contented to just be.

I love watching my dreams come true, as surreal as it seems at times. I get downright giddy about the fact that I no longer talk about whether or not my dreams will come true, but rather, WHEN they will come true. It is inevitable. I am strong, capable, confident, and awesome. I want to bring that to the world in all forms, with all of the dreams that are never too big to dream.

I get almost breathless when I think long about the love of my life, even when I think of her for only a moment. Her laugh, her smile, the beauty of her hands, her wisdom, her creativity, her devotion. It inspires me, it fires me up, it keeps me so blessed and contented that we are going to travel this wild journey of life together.

I have to fight back tears much of the time at the intensity with which I feel love for our beautiful gift of a daughter. To watch her grow into a young woman, to be inspired by her energy, creativity, and drive, and to see how compassionate and loving she is, is just magical. I absolutely adore her.

I feel resolute when faced with a challenge that I did not anticipate. Firm in my conviction, I will not be moved by anything in what I need to do. I am devoted to every task, even those that are the most challenging, the most mysterious, the most fear producing.

Fear is a funny thing when it comes to love. I think that in the past, nothing could terrify me more than the prospect of gaining, or losing, love in some shape or form in my life. Love is risk. Love is challenge. Love is truth. Talk about scary.

I love my life, without restriction and without measure. However, even fear doesn’t hold me back, even for a moment. I still feel afraid at times, but I feel it and let it go. I know that no matter what, all will be well, I will be guided, or guide myself. I will persevere. I will love and be loved and cherish and appreciate and relish each and every morsel that life feeds me.

Or rather, that I feed myself.

I am completely in love with my life. Til death do us part.

World AIDS Day 2009

December 1st is World AIDS Day. The time to remember, among other days, this disease that takes so many lives. This year is the twenty first anniversary of the first World AIDS Day. It seems like the more time that goes by, the more apathy develops about this disease.

Still, people die every day. Awareness lacks in terms of the dangers of transmission. We have become complacent, because no matter what the virus does and can do to us, many people do not change their minds, their hearts, their behaviors in regard to it. It is 100 percent preventable these days from the most frequent transmission means: unprotected sexual contact and IV drug use.

Please, say a prayer, wear a ribbon, read about it, talk about it, do SOMETHING.

Please, let us never forget all of those that have perished as a result of this horrible illness, and how we need to keep ourselves and others safe. Reach out. Connect. Share your love and your heart with someone who is affected by this.

In memory of my brother Jeff, Ryan White, and all of the others that have been lost.

Giving Thanks.

For friends, family, food.

For having a home, with enough to be able to take care of it, and our daily needs.

For breath in my lungs.

For awareness of life around me.

For human connection.

For those that I have yet to hug tightly, that I have met through blogging.

For passion of life.

For an open heart.

For the ability to rejoice, and to grieve.

For faith, in God and in humanity.

For dreams coming true.

For dreams NOT coming true.

For trusting in the Universe, that my path is the right one for me.

For all that I have, all that I have had in the past, and all that I will have to bless my life, to test my will, to help me to grow.

For life itself, I am giving thanks.

Peace and love to all today. Embrace your life, your friends, your family, and your gifts. Be kind to one another.

LOVE.

What if today were your last?

What if today was your last day, here on earth?

The thought itself brings a feeling of fear right to the pit of my stomach. However, I think about it to gauge my life as it is, and if I am living it, embracing it, throwing myself into it, to the extend that I want to.

If today were your last day here, what would you be taking with you?

Regret? For the dreams that you left unfulfilled, because you were afraid, alone, or insecure about how to make them happen? Regret for never having told that one person how much you truly loved them? Regret for not having quit the job that you have been doing for years, just because it was “safe”, but it was slowly killing your soul?

Would you have anger or resentment? Bearing ill feelings over harsh words said, or heard, from another? Would any of those that you have in your life be left behind, not sure how you really felt about them because of a past conflict? Is anything left undone, resolved?

Would you leave lonely? Lonely because you were afraid to connect with others, thought for sure someone would not have time for you, afraid to just call up and go for coffee? Were you stuck in doing things in your life the same old way, not exploring new avenues, new relationships, new ways to connect with others? Were you estranged from friends and family?

Would you be disappointed? Let down because of all of the things in this life you said you would do “someday”, which there are no more of? A bucket list left unfulfilled? Were there a host of reasons why you never took that trip, went out on that date, read that book, studied that philosophy, or climbed that mountain?

It might be easy for me to say what I would do if today were my last, since for today, that isn’t my reality. However, I like to think that if today were truly my last day here on this earth, that up to this moment, I will have lived my life fully and openly enough, that I would have no regrets. I have done so many things so far that I drempt of doing, from working at the college that I attended; to obtaining my Master’s degree, to having a child and a family. I have travelled, I have seen Disney world, I have been on a plane and a train. I have so many things yet that I want to do, but I will not feel I leave behind a life that has been unlived.

Resentment? Nope. I have no time in my life for resentment. And, the more days that pass for me, the more that I have a deeper understanding of the persons in my life, and why they are in it. Those that I love may be here with me for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, but no matter what, I will leave this earth knowing that I did all within my power to build relationships, or, let them go.

Loneliness? I make it my business to surround myself with persons who bring me joy, and energize me. I never feel lonely; or rather, I am never alone unless I choose to be. And even then, being alone isn’t lonely, it is being with my self. I am fully one with my family, friends, and the world. I am never lonely.

Disappointed? IMPOSSIBLE!!!! In every breath, in every moment of my life, there is so much wonder and joy and magic! Sure, there are many places, people, and things that I want to see and to do before my time is up in this world, however, I have done, seen and encountered so much in the millions of moments that I have existed. There is magic, right now as I draw my breath, that wasn’t there a moment ago. There is opportunity waiting for me when the sun shows itself in a few moments, and when I take my next sip of coffee. My life is a constant source of motion and evolution, and it would be impossible for me, right now, to be disappointed. My life is unique and priceless.

So, what if today were your last? Make today as if it were, and get to the business of truly living it.

Fearing what keeps us alive

There are many persons in this world that have phobias. True, deep terror at the thought of confronting certain aspects of daily living. Wide open spaces. Closed, confined spaces. Spiders. Snakes. Oxygen.

Yep, that was a new one for me: anemophobia, the fear of oxygen.

As strange as that sounds to me, it got me thinking. To me, anemophobia is fear of something that is necessary for our survival, that keeps us alive.

I think there are many of us that possess fears such as this. Maybe not of oxygen, but fear of another necessity for living. Absolutely essential for our survival.

Love.

Whether we would care to admit it or not, love is a life force. It keeps us alive both physically and spiritually. Whether we are talking about having love, pursuing love, or grieving over lost love, in all capacities, it is necessary for us to survive as a human species.

However, there are those of us in this world that have a love phobia; fear of love. Even though these persons know that they need it in their lives, they fear it just as much. And not just a timidity about it, a nervousness and feeling that love is hard to come by, hard to achieve, and often not worth the energy or possible hurt of it all. I am talking deeper and more complex than that.

Love phobia; those that are so terrified about love coming into their lives, or staying in their lives, that they avoid it at all costs. They have an isolative existence; they do their best not to connect with others. They act as if they don’t need other people, they busy themselves, they get buried in careers or parties or activities that may have some joy in them, but have a hollowness to them as well.

I have known these individuals in my lifetime. I have known them to be very deep, profound individuals, capable of the greatest of love, to give and to receive. However, they are deathly afraid of it. They are so deeply imbedded with this phobia that they feel paralyzed without it, yet fear it so deeply they avoid it.

And, their lives, though busy, are empty in many ways. Empty because they are void of true, deep intimacy with other people. They don’t know others and others truly don’t know them.

There is a deep sadness to that.

However, people get over their phobias every single day. We each have it within our power to face our fears, and then, to overcome them. We can do that. Truly, we can.

To live without a love phobia, still invokes a bit of fear. To live authentically, to let others know who you truly are, elicits fright in us all. However, the result is true connection with others, true human companionship, true love of self, first and foremost, as well as true love of others.

There is magic, wonder, balance, and absolute bliss in an open heart with true love in it.

Fear of love, fear of oxygen, both of these can bring about a death of sorts. In my life, I need to leave all phobias behind, to walk into my future with an open heart, a full soul, and anything in this world available to me.

It is awesome.