VanessaLeigh

Building Faith and Trust.

vanessaleighsblog — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 00:52:27 +0000

I have been working really hard the last few weeks, to become much more present to and aware of some of my most challenging traits. These traits are the ones which are the most sneaky, the most evasive, yet do the most damage to myself, and to my relationships with those around me. The work that I have been doing since early last month is getting me much more acquainted with why I do what I do. Let me explain.

I have always considered myself to be a good person. I still do, no worries. Yet, I always have had thoughts that I wasn’t willing to share with others. So, there are two main ways that they would come out, sideways if you will. If I was saying to someone, “I am fine”, when actually, I was hurting in some way, I was actually lying to that person, and being fake about what was really going on with me. I have done this for more of my life than many who know me may realize. Besides the fact that it hurt me to keep all of that pain and difficulty to myself, it was a way to keep myself from being authentic with those around me.

The other thoughts that I didn’t share with others was when I was worried, frightened, or concerned about something going on. The thought that I would have would be arrogance, that if that other person would only do, say, or think the way that I did, they would be happier. Now, this ending you might be able to predict: since we all need to make our own decisions in life, it was more often than not that those around me wouldn’t do what I wanted them to, so that always gave my mind room for thoughts of judgment toward another. When they didn’t do as I believed was best for them, my brain left lots of room to judge them for the outcome.

Now, I am blessed and fortunate to have so many people around me, who love and care about me. And, I haven’t lost people in my life as I go through this process of transition. However, it presents a new, amazing opportunity to get real with people, about what is going on with me, and to keep loving them, right where they are at, at the same time. Just think: if I can embrace my own humanness, frailty and vulnerability, imagine how easily I can embrace it in others.

I am on a path of awareness and understanding, and with the added, increasing benefit of faith and trust, that I will be cared for through it all, I can hardly wait to see what comes next.

Tagged: awareness, being judgmental, family, Friends, Handel Group, healing, life, life coaching, love, relationships, understanding

What being selfish really means.

vanessaleighsblog — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 02:42:14 +0000

I am discovering the true meaning in my life of the word selfish. Now, most of the time, I have believed that being selfish meant that I was focusing only on myself, and not considering others. I have since learned a deeper meaning of the word, and one that is more accurate for the way I have lived my life so far.

I have often, actually, almost always, focused on the way that the actions of others have impacted me, whether I felt hurt, or slighted, or loved or adored. I was almost fixated on what others would do, say or think in relation to me. I called it various things in my life: love, codependency, openness. I never called it selfish. However, now I see it through a different set of eyes, and I believe that the selfishness that I have been guilty of in the past has been of this nature: selfishly focused on what others MUST be doing to me.

What I heard so profoundly at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night, was that people are doing stuff, they just aren’t doing it TO ME.

I have taken almost everything personally in my life. Seriously. And, to me, that is the epitome of self centeredness, to believe that every one that I encounter has some issue with me, something personal that they are acting out about, or that they want to get me for. Funny, now that I think about it.

In focusing on other people, I was more concerned with me, really, than with them.

I am learning now, learning what it truly means to be selfless, loving and open toward others. It isn’t by judging them, or believing that everything that they say or do has something to do with me. I can only get beyond that by trusting, surrendering, and believing with a faithful heart that I am being watched over, and that all will be well.

The amazing part of that all is, that this is the most open that my heart has ever felt. As I develop my faith, trust, and learn to surrender, i am able to love more openly and deeply.

Who knew? I continue to learn!

Tagged: being selfish, faith, learning, life, love, loving myself, selfishness, selflessness, surrender, trust

2012.

vanessaleighsblog — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:03:49 +0000

This is going to be my best year yet. I just know it.

There is so much in store for me, so much opportunity, wonder, magic.

I know that I have a word that is going to be the theme for my new year: Connection.

I intend to have a year full of connecting more deeply with the family and friends that are in my life. I intend to continue to get better at communicating with grace, and wisdom. To tell the truth, without hurting the hearts of others. I speak from my soul and understand that not all that I meet and have in my life are ready for this walk.

To connect to my clients through coaching, and to get to know them more deeply than ever before. To be open and willing to hear their stories and help them to go on a deep journey of self discovery. To be real and to really listen.

To connect with my Higher Power, in a deeper way than ever before. I have grown in my faith so much in the last year, and I want to go even deeper, to learn so much more about myself, that it deepens my spiritual experience, and helps me to trust on a deeper level that everything happening in my life is for a higher purpose.

I know that in this new year, I will encounter many changes again, more than ever before. I understand that for me, change means growth, means stepping up into my life and really knowing myself deeply. It means being humble, present, and intentional in my thoughts, words, actions, and feelings. It means not judging others by what I think is best; rather, by showing them the nature of what I hold deeply in my heart.

Through surrender, acceptance, and faith, a deeper connection to all that is in my life is there for my taking it.

Happy New Year to all, and may 2012 be the best year of your life so far.

Love!

Arrogance.

vanessaleighsblog — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 02:42:47 +0000

I hit a rock bottom this week. Not a drunken one, although I have hit those before in my life. Rather, an emotional/psychic/soulful rock bottom. I looked within, saw my humanness, in one of its darkest forms, and wanted to stay in that dark place, and make it into something evil and vulgar.

I fully faced up to one of my dark, human traits: My arrogant, know it all self.

Now, she has always been there, trying to run the show, and often in charge of the thoughts in my head. Or, so I thought. The funny part, she is ME, so that means, when I let her run the show, it is myself that is wreaking havoc in my own life.

What does it look like when arrogance is at the helm? For me, it means that I don’t ask questions, even when I don’t understand. I don’t want to look stupid, I don’t want to look uninformed, so I fake it, a lot. I don’t say all of what is on my mind, so that means that I often withhold my feelings of anger, frustration, overwhelm, sadness or stress, out of arrogance to handle it on my own. So, that which I am most afraid of, being alone, becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

The bigger laugh in the whole thing, is that my arrogance is truly not arrogance at all. It is a big, fake front to keep me from truly trusting anyone else. I am amazed at how deep that actually goes, that fear of trusting others to be there for me and care for my heart. I am learning, and I am unlearning, the ways that I have looked at it for much of my life.

So, I need to ask questions, and I need to say that which I usually leave out: I am excited to be a coach, but scared about being official; I am happy to be visiting family out of town this weekend, but I am dreading the trip after working all day tomorrow. I am excited for the holiday season, and sad to not have my daughter with me the entire time. Now, I am learning to tell all sides of the story, not just the one that I don’t mind showing.

The thing is, I don’t know everything, but it doesn’t mean I don’t know ANYTHING, either. By being open and honest about my own level of arrogance, my own tendency to know it all, I am inspiring others to open up as well, get real with themselves, and really fulfill my mission and purpose here. So, although the work right now feels strange, and difficult, the results are all that I have dreamed of. Humility. Connection. Trust. Purpose. LOVE.

Tagged: arrogance, connection, darkness, life, light, love, mission, traits, transparency, truth

Hands

vanessaleighsblog — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 04:01:36 +0000

In the movie, “Beaches”, there is a scene toward the end of the movie when Barbara Hershey’s character is dying. She is in bed, and suddenly panics as she is looking at photos, because she cannot find a picture of her mother’s hands, one that she must see at the end of her life. That scene has always stuck with me, because I am so aware of hands and what they seem to show to me.

I think about what I know of a person, and how their hands come to represent that to me. When I think of my Aunt Ruth’s hands, they are slender, and tough, but beautiful. They have done work in their lives, but are not worn. My hand fits well within hers.

My mother’s hands are larger, mine built much like hers. Her nails are always short, and they are broad and firm. I don’t know the feel of them as much, because to be honest, I haven’t held my mom’s hand much in my adult life that I remember.

Last weekend, when I went to visit my Aunt Ruth, after she had a bad fall, I saw my dad on the way at the airport. We were talking deeply, and we held hands across the table. His hands are strong, and tan, and worn from years of hard work. And, so firm that I felt comfortable and safe with that hold.

I love to grab my daughter’s hand when we are in the car, as a quick reminder that I love her and am with her. Her hands are so round, and soft, and young. So much life to know, to gain, to feel and experience.

My hands are gentle, and last weekend, I used them to wash my Aunt Ruth when she couldn’t do it herself. The experience was so moving, to touch her with my hands and to also have that experience touch my heart, in a moment that felt spiritual it was so deep. The healing nature of hands, filled with love, is what I was aware of in those moments.

I am not sure how hands came to have such importance to me. Maybe because of powerful moments with that being the connection. Maybe just what a person’s hands offer of themselves to the world, in prayer, in work, in human touch. Whatever the reason, I am so aware and appreciative of the persons in my life, and the hands that connect with me in a deep way.

Tagged: connection, family, Friends, hands, healing, life, love, meaning

Friends and Family.

vanessaleighsblog — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 02:24:41 +0000

This is me with some of the members of my family, two of my siblings. I feel deeply connected to both of them, and when I think of the word, family, I think of them, among others in my life. I also, through the years, have had many different friends and community connections.

The definitions for both have seemed to be pretty cut and dry in my life; my family were those persons that I was biologically connected to through birth or lineage, and some chosen family members; and friends were those persons that I hadn’t known until we had entered each other’s lives. Seems pretty simple, right?

Well, fast forward to the last year of my life. I have been separated from my partner for a full year now, and we have been living apart for several months. And, I have had a specific vision and hope for what we would evolve into with one another as we went forward, to parent our daughter and to also hold value in one another’s lives. It seemed simple, right?

Not so simple.

Besides the reluctance to put some type of label on it, besides “ex”, I felt compelled to create something new with her that was showing signs of healing and growth for both of us. I have known all along that I do not want her to leave my life. She is important to me and I care about what happens to her.

Something interesting happened for me this week in working to figure this out. It dawned on me, that as I went about, trying to find the right way for us to be in existence with one another, I had overlooked the one constant, besides our daughter, that would be true for both of us.

We will always be family.

I don’t just mean, family for our shared child. I also mean, family as in the importance that each of our individual families still have for the other. Family, in that, we grew up together in many ways, and shared many things with one another. Family, in that, I always want to be there for her in some capacity, and have her be there for me.

So, even though it might go against the grain, and even create a level of misunderstanding for others around us, the best way that I will always be able to describe what we are to one another, is as family. And that is so powerful and meaningful to me.

Tagged: breaking up, change, connection, defining a relationship, family, Friends, growth, healing, life, love

A ribbon sky.

vanessaleighsblog — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 13:14:29 +0000

I was on my way to work one day last week. It is autumn here in Pennsylvania, and from my best recollection, that seems to bring some of the most brilliant sunrises and sunsets of the year. On this particular morning, the sky was exceptionally beautiful, as the sun was rising and the clouds were still spread across the horizon.

The way that the clouds appeared, immediately made me think of ribbons. Long, flowing strands of color that look silky and never ending. They weren’t puffy or storm like, more like an endless tapesty of color.

I was in total awe.

I have thought about that morning many times since then, wanting to write about it, and yet, not taking the time to get here and do so. And, as I walked this morning under a similar sky, I decided that the meaning of it for me was about the awesome power of nature, of Great Spirit, of the life and world that exists around us.

There have been so many times in my life, less frequently today, when I would be so immersed in the tasks of my life, that I wouldn’t notice a brilliant sky, a magical rainstorm or snowflakes falling. I have been consumed by what I thought I had to get done, and then, missed out on the wonder around me that is always there for the sharing.

Today, I am much more present than ever before, to all that exists in the moments of my days. It is not perfection, mind you. I still miss details of the world around me, when I am thinking about what is next on the list. However, it is a muscle that I am continuing to strengthen.

The awesomeness of our world, as it lives and breathes around us, is so full of magic, wonder, and beauty, it is unkind not to notice it and be inspired by it.

Tagged: awareness, awesome, being present, great spirit, inspired, life, love, magical, nature, world

Contentment.

vanessaleighsblog — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 02:41:01 +0000

A friend of mine from the blogging world asked me this week to write about my thoughts on contentment. And, as with many other topics, I gave the matter much thought.

Defining contentment was not as easy as I thought it would be.

At first, I thought of contentment as a feeling of familiarity, of feeling happy, but not overjoyed. Of having some of what you want and being happy with that without pursuing something deeper or greater. I thought of it as settling for what we have rather than what we may really want.

Then, I thought about it even more deeply today, during one of my deep meditative states in my car (and do you know, a coworker of mine drove past me last week during one of my meditative states, blowing her horn and waving madly, and I never heard or saw her. I didn’t have my radio on, I was just in the zone).
What I decided today was that I had it all wrong in thinking that contentment was some ordinary state that we settle for, when we aren’t willing or able to push ourselves further and deeper.

Contentment to me means:

PEACE: a sense deep within of calm and resolve.
HUMILITY: A deep sense of how mighty this world really is.
GRATITUDE: Deep appreciation for all that we are offered every day.
FULFILLMENT: The dream realized.
TRUST: That we are always being watched out and cared for.

What I realized when I really meditated on this today, is that Contentment is much deeper than just being happy. Contentment means SOUL happiness, a happiness so deep and pure that it doesn’t require fanfare or announcements; it is just felt down to our toes. Contentment is not just the feeling, but the deep UNDERSTANDING that we are here for a mission and purpose, and that we are fulfilling it in all that we do. It is total belief that we are being watched over and that all will be well.

For me,contentment, without realizing it when my friend asked me, is what I am aspiring to. It is the true sense that what I am doing matters, and that I am connected and transparent. It means that my presence here has purpose and meaning and that I am in love with my life and its work.

Contentment is big.

Tagged: connection, contentment, happiness, heart, life, love, mission, purpose, soul

You have to play to win!

vanessaleighsblog — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 00:07:25 +0000

What a week this has been! A week when I had to make decisions, be present to my options, and speak up truthfully. By the end of the week, I was exhausted and yet, at peace.

This week was a big lesson, in having to play to win. In wanting what I want, but having to be in the midst of my life in order to even entertain having it. How that happened in my life this week, is that I had to make a choice, in the direction of my dreams. I had to say yes, and no, to two different career paths. It was difficult and stressful, yet if I was not interested in playing to win my dreams, I would have not been stressed. The decision, or the lack of needing to make one, would have been easy to make.

I had to decide for my dream, my dream of being a coach, which meant saying no to a job that I was ready to take, one that I knew that I would enjoy. I had to say no to that job, so that I could say YES to my beautiful dream. I realized how infrequently in my life I have spoken up and chosen, spoken up and made a firm decision. For a career, a relationship, my body, my soul!

I have not played to win in my life, for much of my life. I have been successful, and happy, and healthy and blessed. Yet, I always kept all of my options open, which meant that I couldn’t focus precisely on my dreams. I spread my resources everywhere, rather than focus like a laser beam on exactly what I wanted.

Now, I am ready, ready for the focus and the precision and the magic to happen. I am ready for my dreams to be real in my life. I am playing to win, knowing full well in my heart that I will be cared for, loved and safe as I keep saying yes to that. When I play to win, it means that I, first of all, have agreed to play. And, only when I said yes to playing, did I have a chance at winning my dreams.

This is no lottery, no game of chance. Yet, I am in the game of my life, and I am winning BIG.

The morning commute!

vanessaleighsblog — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 02:03:51 +0000

My commute each morning, and each afternoon, to and from my workplace, is about thirty minutes. For the last few months, that thirty minutes to the office, and then, back home, has been some of the most delightful parts of my day. That is because I decided to make my morning time commute a commitment to silence and reflection.

Now, getting good about having quiet time on purpose was not so easy in the beginning. A year ago, I wanted to start having some sort of meditation practice, so I would sit in silence for five minutes at a time, and at first, it was tortuous. I barely felt like I could stop my thoughts from running the show, I didn’t want to sit in silence, and felt lost when I would sit in my car and not have the radio on.

Then, I got better at it, day by day. I found that the quiet came easier within the silence, and that I actually looked forward to it as a way to start, or to break, in my day. I found a spiritual connection to it that grew in its power and purpose.

So, a few months ago, when I realized that I was spending less time here at home, watching television, or filling the quiet with noise, I decided that the ride to work, especially since that is morning time, would be a perfect way to intentionally be silent; to enjoy the sights, and thoughts that inspired me.

Today, it is rare that I turn on my radio in the morning, even after I have dropped my daughter at school and she has had it on for the beginning of our ride. Right after she gets out, I turn it off, and head out for my morning commitment. I see the sun coming up, the day beginning, fog lying low and the world coming alive. It truly is an inspiring, and powerfully spiritual, time for me.

Although this is now a regular practice for me, I am finding such peace and comfort in the ways of silence during many parts of my day. What used to frighten me now envelopes me with a feeling of powerful connection; that when I quiet my mouth, and my mind, my heart opens up and takes in all that the world has waiting for me.

It truly is magical.

Tagged: connection, higher power, intention, life, love, meditation, reflection, silence, spirit, thoughts