I wasn’t really sure what to title this segment of my ongoing life saga. But healing seems to be a pretty constant theme in my life recently. Healing of mine, healing of those around me. After so much pain and growth and tears and tearing apart of things, I think I was long overdue for some serious healing time.
One year ago, I made a decision that tore at the heart of my life at that time, by leaving my committed relationship with my partner. Believe me, it was not a decision that was made easily, or not after what was months of self-talk and thinking about it. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. But necessary. Necessary or not, self-loving or not, it hurt like hell. It opened up a wound in me that I thought would never heal, for the rest of my life. Seriously. I had believed for so long, that we were for keeps, that we had what it takes to really make it and grow old together, without giving up, but I was pretty sure that she had given up, and I know that I had given up. I got tired, I didn’t know what else to do, so I left it.
Each time in that year since I said those words of “it’s over”, I felt like I was healing a little bit. I made active choices about my work and my social time to try to create some healthy ways to get better, move forward, go in a positive direction. Yet, the wound remained open, and sore, and vulnerable. I did a lot, I was busy a lot, but never seemed to feel like it was really getting better as it should. The wound continued to be a slow healing one.
Today, I can see the progress of the healing. The wound finally feels like it is not so vulnerable that it stings, because it is still open. The skin is still new, and it still needs time and nursing, but it is much better than it has been. I finally feel like, I understand the purpose of this whole crazy, scary, painful last year of my life. I really believe that in order to come back to where I needed to be, I had to leave where I was. Which I did, and I ended back where I started from, but different. Same location, different attitude. For both of us. We have both healed enough to be able to walk forward in this together. I think that we have both learned how to nurse our own wounds, so that we can be fully whole with one another. That feels really good to me.