Monthly Archives: January 2008

Good versus Evil

Heath Ledger died yesterday. For those of you that do not know who he is, he played Ennis DelMar in the movie “Brokeback Mountain”. He moved me to a sobbing mess each time I have watched that film. It was a stunning performance. His death is tragic enough- 28, father, gifted actor, family support, good hearted guy.

Then, if his death weren’t enough of a loss, Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church have decided that since he played a gay character in a movie, then he depicted and encouraged a way of life that is an abomination. So, according to Mr. Phelps, Heath has not only found his place in Hell as of today, but he and his followers will be picketing at Heath’s funeral, holding up I assume some glorious signs such as “God hates fags”, and “Pervert”. As if his family won’t be tortured enough. This is the same man, Mr. Phelps that is, a man of God supposedly, who carries these same signs at the funerals of individuals that he believes may have been gay, including Matthew Shepherd. He also presents his group at the funerals of soldiers who have died in Iraq, because any soldier who dies for a country that supports homosexuality should be doomed to hell.

Huh??? I just don’t get some people. Mr. Phelps believes that we as gays and lesbians are so henious, so evil, that he believes he is justified in saying such awful things after a loved one has passed on. And, at the same time, declares he is doing it in the name of God. Are you serious? I mean, I believe in God, I believe in the presence of Jesus in my life, I believe in all the beauty and awe that surrounds me as being outside of my control, yet I am gay. Could I be that loved that God made me exactly as I am? I know that often this derogatory message that he carries is met with anger and resentment, because he portrays God as vengeful, angry, almost hateful in his manner toward his followers. Even when I know that I make mistakes, even when I seek forgiveness, I never believe that God wants to belittle, shame, or punish me. I know that I am a good person. I know that I am not evil. I am not even sure how prevalent evil is in our world. Until Fred Phelps comes along. Then I wonder…….

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Meeting needs aren’t mutually exclusive, are they?

I am a dreamer. Always have been. At times, the realist in me has taken over, and I have faced up to the real life drama that is unfolding in the moment. But, much of the time, I feel the need to aspire, be, do, MORE!!!! What I have figured out about myself is that, it is not that I need to work five jobs, or that I will never decide what I want to do for a career- it is that I want it to be big, really, big, and really see the impact on those that I help, educate and serve.

But, is it possible for two persons in a relationship to BOTH have what they BOTH want, as individuals? Is there room in an intimate, partnered relationship for more than one person’s dream? Or is it that only one can be pursued at a time, and the other sacrifices willingly, until it is his/her turn? I never really thought it worked that way. Again, remember, I AM A DREAMER. In addition, I BELIEVE THE REALIZATION OF DREAMS IS POSSIBLE, NOT ONLY POSSIBLE, BUT NECESSARY TO STAY WITH THE VITALITY OF LIFE. We need to not only dream what we want, but understand that those dreams can become our life, our days, our unfolding joy. I do believe, I do believe. And, I do believe that both persons in a relationship can have that for themselves at the same time. And, the corny, crazy part about it for me is, I want her to have her dreams, goals and desires. I want us both to have them, and all the more intense and joyful our future will be if we do. My desire to have it for myself is not so that I can have it for myself without her right beside me- been there, done that. I want us to walk the path together, doing what we love as a couple, and as two powerful, courageous, beautiful women as well. When you love yourself that much, to go after your dream, I think it becomes less about sacrifice and more about just the way things ought to be.

DREAMER, you say?? You bet your life. And I would have it no other way……..

life, love, reflection, and no going back……

what a year it has been! I mean, leaving the love of my life, soul searching, looking for meaning, trying to connect, to be, to figure it all out. Then, reuniting with that same person I am so meant to be with!!! I feel like I just got off the roller coaster after riding ten times in a row! But this is a new year, a new year with joy and promise and hope and tons of redemption. You see, I have finally forgiven myself. Not that I needed to do that, but for some foolish reason, i thought I had to forgive myself for leaving in the first place. I have realized that it isn’t so. I don’t need forgiveness, even to myself. I left because the love was lost, and now, the love has been found again, by both of us. So, we begin anew. No regrets. No resentments. A fresh start, a clean slate, a chance to do it from today forward, with a new perspective, and a greater respect for one another and the relationship. My life is so blessed, so vast and great of a journey, that I cannot help but enjoy it and find adventure in each day of it!! No looking back, no wondering about what ifs, just going forward into days and weeks and months of newness and love and connection and support and respect and joy, pure joy.

I have had several persons ask me if splitting up is what saved our relationship. To me, that is oversimplistic, and trite in some way. I don’t know that we had to split up to survive, but I think that it allowed us to explore and to better understand what we needed to do to keep it working, and keep communicating with one another. For I firmly believe that we will grow old together, be there for one another, send our daughter off into her life, and still be holding hands and basking in the joy of our love, for all eternity……….