Nothing personal…….

I feel so secure and confident about so many things; my work that I do, the relationship that I have with my partner and our daughter, my education and training.  Yet, nothing can bring me to my knees more quickly than a person either being rude or unkind to me, or someone who ignores me.


I have written on this before here, probably a few times.  And, the lesson is again appearing in my life, I guess because it has yet to be worked through fully for me.  It is the famous, “Nothing personal, I just need to do this”; “Don’t take things personally”; “This isn’t about you”. 


I guess that whole it’s nothing personal thing may be true, but the thing is, it FEELS personal.  It hurts.  It shocks.  It surprises even when I think I have gotten to be more effective at seeing the signals.  There are two main ways it is showing itself in the present day, and it has kept me reeling for now close to a week.


When I become friends with someone, whether in 3D, or over the web, that is for keeps.  I tell about myself, I ask about the other person, we laugh and cry and connect on many levels.

Then, the deep silence comes, with many of them.  They stop writing, stop calling, stop being present in my life. 

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?  Readers, I am not asking you to answer that for me, I think that I know.  Something that is going on with that person calls them in another direction.  Something personal to them, not about me, takes their attention.  Enough of their attention that they either can’t, or don’t want to, focus attention on our friendship for a period of time. 


Well, I can understand each of us needing to take care of ourselves, and our needs, and attending to new adventures or challenges or tragedies.  But, I am here, I am your friend.  I miss you.


It hurts.


Then, there is the circumstance of having a friendship with someone, who I don’t expect I won’t ever have conflict with, but when the conflicts happen, they seem to go on and on, even when I express myself clearly, even when I apologize where I have fallen short, and when I try to take the high road, be the bigger person, I am constantly stunned at the low to which this friend can take it.  Hurtful, old resentments surface toward me, and I am surprised every time. 


The only difference is, that it hurts less, because I can put what is the other person’s shit in their corner.  And, just take care of my own.  But, it is disappointing.  And frustrating. 


Yet two more incidences in the world of human relationships, where the resistance to communicate truthfully and openly with one another creates harm to the relationship. 


When I talk with persons about Choice Theory, and the fact that all of us are each trying to meet our needs for love and belonging, fun, freedom, power and survival, one of the main premises that I talk about is:  Is what you are doing in your relationships with others bringing you closer together, or further apart?  Accountability.  We all have it.  We all need to hold ourselves to it.


When a person tells me it isn’t personal, I know that is not true.  I know that it is that much more personal, but maybe the reasons are too deep, too painful to acknowledge.  I love my friends, I am loyal to them and will do what  I can to support them.  But, I also know that what I want and need is important, first and foremost, and if those that I care about cannot respect me enough to be truthful, and fair and just, and still show love, then I need to exert less energy and effort there, until their willingness becomes a capacity for love and mutual respect. 


Because my friends, the personal IS personal.  True that.

5 thoughts on “Nothing personal…….

  1. This is something that bothers me also, because frankly, it DOES feel personal. Something that I started thinking about after reading your post was something that bothers me quite a bit. It goes in line with being ignored. I will do ANYTHING for my friends and/or aquaintances. . . And lately I’m realizing that isn’t reciprocated. That has been a hard lesson to learn as well.

  2. I think sometimes people back off because they become afraid; of intimacy, of being rejected themselves and for many reasons.
    I try to be a good friend whether in the physical world or the cyber one but I probably fail endlessly. We’re none of us perfect, I guess, but its the trying that is important.

  3. Leah: I know that there are probably valid reasons why this happens, but it still hurts. AND, it is yet one more way that we avoid intimacy and honesty with one another, out of fear most likely, that would enable us to keep connecting……..

    Viv: Agreed, on all counts! And, I always feel so certain of the fear the other person possesses, even when feeling hurt over the loss in my life. Because, make no mistake: it always feels like a loss, even when I try to embrace understanding.

    And, the thing is, take the risk; say the words; speak your truth. It is so freeing, and it just improves our lives SO MUCH!!! I want so much more for my friends at times, than they will allow themselves……

  4. What I like about your posts Vanessa is that you throw yourself out there to be able to catch yourself again. You demonstrate such sensitivity but also great strenght. And I guess you answer your own questions some how…of course it’s personal – what we care about is what hurts us the most. To stay connected as you say, to choose love and seek understanding is the hardest way but in time, it will prove to be worth it.

    Some people slow down – maybe they need it? Maybe they are not ready to take a bigger step and if you truthfully mean well, which I know you always do, let them.

    Children will stumble and fall and not even the most caring parent or friend can avoid the fact that they will hurt themselves. But they will learn. And you can only stand by and watch. And love each person’s fundamental right to freedom and growth.

    Love from one open heart to another!

  5. inward: You are so right with everything that you have said. This is my forum to talk out and work through what is my life for this moment. In the many moments of reflection, discussion, and at times, pain, that I have experienced since writing this, I have been able to gain a newer, fresher perspective in terms of why people may do what they do. Who am I to expect that their steps should always fall along with mine? Or, what about the days in which my fall short of where I hope to be someday? We are all at different places, different phases and stages of this life’s journey. And, I need to trust that those that have been true friends to me will come back into my life again, or, if that is not meant to be, what mark they left behind on my heart will always be with me.

    An open heart is always one that is hurt more easily, but I read today that the Universe advises me to lead with my heart, and then adjust with my head.

    Good advice. Sending true Universal love back your way as well!!!! Vanessa

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