I feel so secure and confident about so many things; my work that I do, the relationship that I have with my partner and our daughter, my education and training. Yet, nothing can bring me to my knees more quickly than a person either being rude or unkind to me, or someone who ignores me.
I have written on this before here, probably a few times. And, the lesson is again appearing in my life, I guess because it has yet to be worked through fully for me. It is the famous, “Nothing personal, I just need to do this”; “Don’t take things personally”; “This isn’t about you”.
I guess that whole it’s nothing personal thing may be true, but the thing is, it FEELS personal. It hurts. It shocks. It surprises even when I think I have gotten to be more effective at seeing the signals. There are two main ways it is showing itself in the present day, and it has kept me reeling for now close to a week.
When I become friends with someone, whether in 3D, or over the web, that is for keeps. I tell about myself, I ask about the other person, we laugh and cry and connect on many levels.
Then, the deep silence comes, with many of them. They stop writing, stop calling, stop being present in my life.
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? Readers, I am not asking you to answer that for me, I think that I know. Something that is going on with that person calls them in another direction. Something personal to them, not about me, takes their attention. Enough of their attention that they either can’t, or don’t want to, focus attention on our friendship for a period of time.
Well, I can understand each of us needing to take care of ourselves, and our needs, and attending to new adventures or challenges or tragedies. But, I am here, I am your friend. I miss you.
Then, there is the circumstance of having a friendship with someone, who I don’t expect I won’t ever have conflict with, but when the conflicts happen, they seem to go on and on, even when I express myself clearly, even when I apologize where I have fallen short, and when I try to take the high road, be the bigger person, I am constantly stunned at the low to which this friend can take it. Hurtful, old resentments surface toward me, and I am surprised every time.
The only difference is, that it hurts less, because I can put what is the other person’s shit in their corner. And, just take care of my own. But, it is disappointing. And frustrating.
Yet two more incidences in the world of human relationships, where the resistance to communicate truthfully and openly with one another creates harm to the relationship.
When I talk with persons about Choice Theory, and the fact that all of us are each trying to meet our needs for love and belonging, fun, freedom, power and survival, one of the main premises that I talk about is: Is what you are doing in your relationships with others bringing you closer together, or further apart? Accountability. We all have it. We all need to hold ourselves to it.
When a person tells me it isn’t personal, I know that is not true. I know that it is that much more personal, but maybe the reasons are too deep, too painful to acknowledge. I love my friends, I am loyal to them and will do what I can to support them. But, I also know that what I want and need is important, first and foremost, and if those that I care about cannot respect me enough to be truthful, and fair and just, and still show love, then I need to exert less energy and effort there, until their willingness becomes a capacity for love and mutual respect.
Because my friends, the personal IS personal. True that.