Monthly Archives: November 2009

Giving Thanks.

For friends, family, food.

For having a home, with enough to be able to take care of it, and our daily needs.

For breath in my lungs.

For awareness of life around me.

For human connection.

For those that I have yet to hug tightly, that I have met through blogging.

For passion of life.

For an open heart.

For the ability to rejoice, and to grieve.

For faith, in God and in humanity.

For dreams coming true.

For dreams NOT coming true.

For trusting in the Universe, that my path is the right one for me.

For all that I have, all that I have had in the past, and all that I will have to bless my life, to test my will, to help me to grow.

For life itself, I am giving thanks.

Peace and love to all today. Embrace your life, your friends, your family, and your gifts. Be kind to one another.

LOVE.

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What if today were your last?

What if today was your last day, here on earth?

The thought itself brings a feeling of fear right to the pit of my stomach. However, I think about it to gauge my life as it is, and if I am living it, embracing it, throwing myself into it, to the extend that I want to.

If today were your last day here, what would you be taking with you?

Regret? For the dreams that you left unfulfilled, because you were afraid, alone, or insecure about how to make them happen? Regret for never having told that one person how much you truly loved them? Regret for not having quit the job that you have been doing for years, just because it was “safe”, but it was slowly killing your soul?

Would you have anger or resentment? Bearing ill feelings over harsh words said, or heard, from another? Would any of those that you have in your life be left behind, not sure how you really felt about them because of a past conflict? Is anything left undone, resolved?

Would you leave lonely? Lonely because you were afraid to connect with others, thought for sure someone would not have time for you, afraid to just call up and go for coffee? Were you stuck in doing things in your life the same old way, not exploring new avenues, new relationships, new ways to connect with others? Were you estranged from friends and family?

Would you be disappointed? Let down because of all of the things in this life you said you would do “someday”, which there are no more of? A bucket list left unfulfilled? Were there a host of reasons why you never took that trip, went out on that date, read that book, studied that philosophy, or climbed that mountain?

It might be easy for me to say what I would do if today were my last, since for today, that isn’t my reality. However, I like to think that if today were truly my last day here on this earth, that up to this moment, I will have lived my life fully and openly enough, that I would have no regrets. I have done so many things so far that I drempt of doing, from working at the college that I attended; to obtaining my Master’s degree, to having a child and a family. I have travelled, I have seen Disney world, I have been on a plane and a train. I have so many things yet that I want to do, but I will not feel I leave behind a life that has been unlived.

Resentment? Nope. I have no time in my life for resentment. And, the more days that pass for me, the more that I have a deeper understanding of the persons in my life, and why they are in it. Those that I love may be here with me for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, but no matter what, I will leave this earth knowing that I did all within my power to build relationships, or, let them go.

Loneliness? I make it my business to surround myself with persons who bring me joy, and energize me. I never feel lonely; or rather, I am never alone unless I choose to be. And even then, being alone isn’t lonely, it is being with my self. I am fully one with my family, friends, and the world. I am never lonely.

Disappointed? IMPOSSIBLE!!!! In every breath, in every moment of my life, there is so much wonder and joy and magic! Sure, there are many places, people, and things that I want to see and to do before my time is up in this world, however, I have done, seen and encountered so much in the millions of moments that I have existed. There is magic, right now as I draw my breath, that wasn’t there a moment ago. There is opportunity waiting for me when the sun shows itself in a few moments, and when I take my next sip of coffee. My life is a constant source of motion and evolution, and it would be impossible for me, right now, to be disappointed. My life is unique and priceless.

So, what if today were your last? Make today as if it were, and get to the business of truly living it.

Fearing what keeps us alive

There are many persons in this world that have phobias. True, deep terror at the thought of confronting certain aspects of daily living. Wide open spaces. Closed, confined spaces. Spiders. Snakes. Oxygen.

Yep, that was a new one for me: anemophobia, the fear of oxygen.

As strange as that sounds to me, it got me thinking. To me, anemophobia is fear of something that is necessary for our survival, that keeps us alive.

I think there are many of us that possess fears such as this. Maybe not of oxygen, but fear of another necessity for living. Absolutely essential for our survival.

Love.

Whether we would care to admit it or not, love is a life force. It keeps us alive both physically and spiritually. Whether we are talking about having love, pursuing love, or grieving over lost love, in all capacities, it is necessary for us to survive as a human species.

However, there are those of us in this world that have a love phobia; fear of love. Even though these persons know that they need it in their lives, they fear it just as much. And not just a timidity about it, a nervousness and feeling that love is hard to come by, hard to achieve, and often not worth the energy or possible hurt of it all. I am talking deeper and more complex than that.

Love phobia; those that are so terrified about love coming into their lives, or staying in their lives, that they avoid it at all costs. They have an isolative existence; they do their best not to connect with others. They act as if they don’t need other people, they busy themselves, they get buried in careers or parties or activities that may have some joy in them, but have a hollowness to them as well.

I have known these individuals in my lifetime. I have known them to be very deep, profound individuals, capable of the greatest of love, to give and to receive. However, they are deathly afraid of it. They are so deeply imbedded with this phobia that they feel paralyzed without it, yet fear it so deeply they avoid it.

And, their lives, though busy, are empty in many ways. Empty because they are void of true, deep intimacy with other people. They don’t know others and others truly don’t know them.

There is a deep sadness to that.

However, people get over their phobias every single day. We each have it within our power to face our fears, and then, to overcome them. We can do that. Truly, we can.

To live without a love phobia, still invokes a bit of fear. To live authentically, to let others know who you truly are, elicits fright in us all. However, the result is true connection with others, true human companionship, true love of self, first and foremost, as well as true love of others.

There is magic, wonder, balance, and absolute bliss in an open heart with true love in it.

Fear of love, fear of oxygen, both of these can bring about a death of sorts. In my life, I need to leave all phobias behind, to walk into my future with an open heart, a full soul, and anything in this world available to me.

It is awesome.

Sunset (2)

Write where you are

Yesterday, I had a strong desire to write. And write. And write. Yet, I was at my desk at work, sneaking time here and there on Facebook, ideas swirling around in my head, hankering for my desk at home and trusty laptop. So, on Facebook, through my status for the day, I sought advice.

The best advice that I got was from a former college mate, Kate, who suggested “write where you are”. So simple. Yet, so telling for me.

It has become almost second nature for me to truly be where I am. Enjoy the moment. Face the challenge of the setting, or situation, and tackle it one moment at a time. But, in having the desire to write, and to not be where I was at the time, I wasn’t staying present. I wasn’t in the moment. Instead, I was wishing it away, wanting something else besides what I had before me.

So, when I read Kate’s sage advice to “write where you are”, I interpreted it in two, very dramatic ways.

First, simply write at the location that you are currently at. Don’t let the fact that you are not at home keep you from what doing what you are being called to do. And, for those types of needs, I carry with me at all times a journal notebook that my girls gave me for my birthday this summer, for that very reason. So, when I am inspired by an idea to write about, I have it handy to jot down for later. So, I truly could write where I was at the time.

Second, her words reminded me to be PRESENT. To stay right where I was at that moment. To make the best of it and take what I could from it. That rang so true with me when I read it yesterday. I guess I must have needed to hear it, or read it, or remember it again. Although I try to be ever present, much of the time, I fall short often. Consumed by what I feel like I need to do. I am getting better at it, but the reminder is never lost on me, because it is always well timed to when I most need to hear it.

I can see what I want and need coming to fruition, in each moment that I allow myself to be present and take in what the Universe is currently offering up to me. I know that what lies in this very moment is preparing me for what comes next.

So, from now on, I will certainly do my best, to write, where ever I am. Be still. Be present.

BE.

Front seat conversation

I have a bumper sticker on the back of my car, for months now, that says, “I love love. I support gay marriage.” Simple message, yet loaded at the same time. In all of the months that I have had it on there, I have only seen two other cars with it on; and I have travelled a LOT of miles since that time. Not many persons seem to want to advertise what their thoughts are on this important issue.

However, every time that I get behind the wheel, I am acutely aware of what is on my bumper. And, I consider the car that is travelling behind me. I drive several miles to and from work; I travel from my office to other destinations; I sit in traffic a lot. So, there are many chances for other drivers behind me to get close enough and read the message.

I often wonder, I mean, I ALWAYS wonder, what kind of conversation does this muster in the front seats of the cars that are behind me? I mean, there are times that the driver behind me is alone in the car, and I have seen at least one driver who was actually mouthing the wording of my bumper sticker out loud in her car one day. It was kind of charming. Funny thing is, the sticker is actually “I heart heart. I support gay marriage.” There are two hearts for the words, love, yet, people know that. That day, the woman in the car was mouthing “I love love.” Cool.

When there is a driver and a passenger, or, more than one passenger, in the car behind me, I often am curious about what is being said about the sticker, presuming that they have seen it and read it. My guess is, most drivers that are close enough to my bumper to read it, DO. And, face it, everyone has an opinion about gay marriage. Gay rights. Gay, PERIOD. I wonder if the conversation is one of compassion, anger or hatred. I wonder if there exists understanding, or if the front seat conversation seeks understanding. I wonder if prayers are recited, or vile words are repeated. Or, if a person in a passenger seat heaves a huge sigh of relief, that there are people out in the world who are on their side. It kinda sucks that I have to feel appreciative when people stand up for gay persons, that aren’t gay themselves. Frankly, it doesn’t happen often enough, at least not up to this point.

I was at a holiday event with our daughter over the weekend, here in our little town, at the Fire Hall. A woman sitting next to me, whom I had met through our church, was inquiring as to whether or not I had written a letter to the editor of the local paper the week before, about the Equality March. She was sure that she had recognized my name, and, my town. Yep, I said. That was me.

She spent the next few minutes telling me how much she liked the letter; that she was so glad that someone was talking about it; that she thought it should not be such a big deal if gay persons wanted to marry; what was the harm? Why were so many people against it? I thanked her for her conversation, and her support. It felt so comforting to know, that it had been read, and that people do understand, care, and want justice.

I know, from my front seat to theirs, I have begun a dialogue, albeit silent in some ways; but minds are being at least challenged, ideas are being introduced; people are talking; and maybe, just maybe, the times are a changing.