Monthly Archives: January 2010

Tell yourself the truth

“For once a person begins on this path of knowledge they will only look inward, learning how to fix themselves, instead of trying to fix other people.” Rav Brandwein

For as often as we are with ourselves, many of us are very afraid to FACE ourselves. Face our shortcomings, our needs, our truths, our gifts. It is called denial in some circles, the need to look away from what truth really lies within us. I have participated in this as much as any one of you.

Over the years, I have evolved. There are times that I look back, in my rear view mirror of my life, and wonder, “Is that really me back there? Did I really look like that, talk like that, THINK and FEEL like that?” It seems so far removed from where I find myself to be in this moment right now. Denial was my friend, my confidante, so many times. In regard to my relationships, my work, my inner being. I was always being a kind, loving soul. But inside, I was screaming to be acknowledged, to be treated fairly, I was angry so many times but denied it to myself so vehemently that I even believed the lie. The lie of being satisfied, of not having any heartache, that it was okay for others to trample on me.

I have turned my back on denial and those lies in my life today. I have realized that, although denial played a critical role in my life in the past, it serves no purpose for me now. Denial probably saved my life at those times. At least, my emotional life. It kept me safe. It kept me insulated from the truths that were so ugly that were around me. Thank God for denial, at least back then. In my rear view mirror.

Now, I embrace truth as much as I possibly can. I crave it. I recently have taken the opportunity to explore the idea of being a Life Coach, and will be taking a crash course over a weekend in New York, with a company that I have admired for several years now. One of the goals is to realize your full potential, and to hold yourself accountable for it. And, in 2010, in the here and now of my life, I am so ready for it. Ready for any truth that another person has in store for me, and any truth that I have for myself.

You see, I know what the root and foundation is for the life I am to lead. A life with purpose, a life based in values and integrity. I heart and soul full of love, compassion, and justice. For as long as those are my guiding principles, I know that any truth that I must face will be able to be handled, and that I can be as gentle, or firm with myself, as I need to in order to go forward and to achieve my goals.

I believe that until we face the truth of our souls, the REAL truth of how we think, feel, believe and act, then we cannot until that time show full truth to others. To look in the mirror and REALLY see yourself is frightening. Yet, it is only our selves, after all. And, when we look at that truth dead on, and embrace it with love and compassion, it becomes not frightening, but strangely comfortable and reassuring.

That, even in truth, we are pretty damned awesome. True that.

If you love something…..

How many of us remember that saying of “If you love something, set it free; if it comes back to you, it’s yours. If not, it never was.” Or, some variation of those words? Sounds a bit like the theme of my day today.

This morning, I awoke with the knowledge that I had to come to terms with my uneasiness with an aspect of friendship. I intellectually know that persons come and go from our lives. I know that we need to accept that we are all impermanent, and that things change. I know on some level that I have persons in my life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I also know that those in my life for a lifetime are few. They are the closest, most intimate connections, which are rare.

So, I decided today would be the day that I would get to the bottom of this angst that I have been experiencing on and off for months now. Why do people that I am closely connected with leave my life? Why do they disappear after we have shared so many deep, private stories? And, more importantly, why do I have such difficulty in letting go?

I sorted through all of it. I have gone through periods of time feeling hurt and confused about it; then I had also reconsidered whether it was as close as I had thought; deep down, though, I knew that the only answer was release, release of that person, and release of the negative energies that I have been putting upon it. Letting go with love.

So, by mid day today, I could envision the letting go process, like the string of a balloon, releasing it into the atmosphere. Letting it float into another part of the Universe and be wherever, and whatever, it should be. Letting go. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH………………

But, something interesting happened after that. I went out to the store, just to get out of the cube for a few minutes. When I got back, I was sitting in my car and noticed that one of my earrings had fallen out. Now, I had been walking quite a bit in the last few minutes, so I knew it could have ended up ANYWHERE. However, at that moment, when I noticed it was missing, and after initially mourning the loss of a lovely gift from a dear friend, I let it go. I realized that I could obsess about it, perseverate about it, mourn, cry, kick and scream about it, but that would not make it magically appear. I could ask all of my coworkers if they had seen it, I could call my honey and cry about it, or I could just LET IT GO. So, I did. I admitted my powerlessness, I spent a moment appreciating its beauty in my memory, and then, I admitted to self that all is impermanent, and that I can live without it being in my life.

Then, when I got to the door of my office, I looked down, and there it was.

My guess is, if I hadn’t gone through a very deliberate process of letting go, I would have never seen it again, which would have been okay, because I had made peace with it. Peace with the decision of the Universe to show me this lesson.

For, all people, places and things are impermanent. We can hold them tightly, or appreciate them while they are here, but either way, we have no control over their longevity or their ability to stay with us, or leave. Those that choose to be in our lives, and those that we choose to have in our lives, including our selves, have to be, do, create, thrive, move, stay still, love, live and BE in all different ways at all different times.

For every moment that we share together, we are blessed.

Thank you, dear Universe. And, as Melody Beattie told me on this very day in her daily affirmation book:

“Although people may voluntarily nurture and love me, I and I alone am responsible for taking care of and loving myself.”