Daily Archives: March 3, 2010

Deconstructing the monster

Truth.

Hey, to be honest, I thought I had a pretty good grip on truth in my life.

Ha! So much for that.

I just came back from one of the most impacting weekends of my entire life.

I spent a total of fourteen hours exploring those areas that are keeping me stuck, leading me to believe that I cannot go forward to my dreams.

I looked within, I cried, I talked, I thought about it until my head hurt.

Then, I spilled out the truth like some bad food; it just poured right out of me, with a bit of self-consciousness, and less shame than I had ever felt.

The constructs upon which I had created my life, at the time made sense, but since then have come to be blockades in my ability to go after my dreams and goals.

I was clinging onto shame like a life raft, and all it was doing was weighing me down below the waves.

I feel like the work that I did last weekend was my beginning of deconstructing the monster that I had created. Not what others had created for me, but the beautiful creature that I crafted myself.

I took little bits and pieces of my life, that I thought would fit into the whole, and over the years, pieced them together until they seemed to craft some semblance of reality. Boy, was I wrong. The lens through which I view the world was accurate about some things. But, in terms of many parts of my life, the lens was so coated with shame, with bad feeling for self, that it was hard to view it as any kind of lesson for me for the future. No lesson that any good came out of, at least.

These two amazing days in February, among 12 others who were telling their own stories, and taking risks, and hoping to emerge more into what it is they are meant to do- those two days forever changed me. They enabled me to pull apart some of the pieces that had misconstrued meanings to them, of my own doing, and helped me to begin to understand how to rewrite some of those chapters.

The rewriting has begun.

The monster that I created, and thought was a reality for my living, is being deconstructed as we speak.

The person that I most want to be is emerging.

I have only forever waiting for me……