Moving beyond sexual shame

I am kicking sexual shame to the curb. I am SO done with it.

The more that I look within, the more that I discover how big of a role that shame has played in my life. And, believe me, not with any good results. It had its beginnings in how I was learning about being a sexual person, and proceeded to usurp my own sexual expression right up until this point in my life.

That is, until just a few short weeks ago.

There are aspects of my adolescent and my adult life, aspects that I will not express in detail here, but that were all part of me becoming a multifaceted person, including a sexual person. My development into that person got negatively influenced early on by the workings of shame. Sex is not talked about. Sex is secretive. Sexual feelings are something that we should not feel good about; that they are to be hidden and we shouldn’t talk about them.

I carried that with me throughout my adult life. Sure, I have expressed myself sexually, have had true intimacy with people, however, I don’t know that I ever felt okay about it, certainly didn’t feel like it was a part of my self that I could celebrate and feel connected to in a positive way. Those feelings felt dirty, and I decided not that long ago that I didn’t want to be carrying around that garbage anymore.

I was never abused; this comes from a different place than that. This is not a result of trauma, but rather, the inability to express fully who we are, honestly and without secrets, including our sexual selves. I believe it is probably rather common among those of us that are now adults, however, I don’t want to carry that badge anymore.

I want to express myself, and embrace myself, as a human being with many facets, including a sexual being. I want to express myself honestly, and with full understanding and acceptance that my sexual self is an essential part of me, and one to be celebrated, not hidden.

The scary part about shame, is that it can seep into all other aspects of life, no matter where it begins. It spreads and infects all that it touches, until we are so filled with self doubt that we apologize not just for what we do, but for who we are.

I am walking into the light now, never to wear this shroud of shame again. I feel proud of who I am, proud of all parts of self, and look forward with anticipation of full realization of me and my dreams.

What beauty I see in my mirror today!!!!

10 thoughts on “Moving beyond sexual shame

  1. Vanessa- very vulnerable post. It’s such a balancing act- having a healthy attitude about our sexuality…shame and guilt on one side- or putting it on a pedestal and spending our life worshipping it. Sounds like you are moving in the right direction.

  2. You are so right, Vanessa! I was also taught sexual shame. It’s not something to talk about. It’s dirty. “Good girls” don’t. I was never able to fully express myself until I got into a relationship with a healthy man who creates such a nourishing environment, it’s impossible to feel anything but content. Shame has no place in contentment. I am so happy for you that you are moving into the celebration of all aspects of self.

  3. DM: You are so right, yet the vulnerability feels less as I write and expose the shame to the light of truth. It helps greatly, and it means that I am taming it, not the other way around. And, you are so right about balance; it is what I seek in my life in all areas!

    Thanks for reading my friend. 🙂

    Kim: Thank you; I think I have always thought that I would find it with the right person, who I am with right now, but it still has nagged at me as happy and fulfilled as we are. Shedding the bright light of truth on that ugly shame is doing wonders for my being. I love you, Kim.

  4. Good for you for moving past the shame. To me, sex isn’t shameful, yet it is seen that way, and for some reason, it’s supposed to be hidden. It’s wonderful that you’re moving beyond it. It’s something I’m trying to do as well. 😀

  5. Leah: Hey!!! How are you? Thank you for stopping by. Yes, this is by far, one of the biggest lessons I am learning in my older, wiser years. I wasn’t even aware of this being a lesson for me, until I really started to be truthful about what I was hiding within. How freeing!!!!!

    Thanks for your words. I think many of us struggle with this. Shame based thinking kills.

  6. John: Welcome, and thank you for visiting my blog! I am so glad that it spoke to you; it is one of the most honest i have ever written, and SOOOO healing. I hope that you will return. Peace, Vanessa

  7. Vanessa, yes I would love to return. You are now on my blogroll I will follow-up when I get notified of your posts. If you get time, I invite you to stop by and read my poetry, there may be something there that you will find interesting.


  8. huh, great post! just what I was searching for.

    You see, I am just experiencing my shame on a much consious level. I too didnt have any “major” issues with it. But I can suddenly see better how much Ive repressed it. And these last days Ive been experiencing my self as a much more sexual being. And it is amazing. It is so much fun connecting with people, while alowing this part if me flow through me much more openly

    When that is said, I also am experiencing alot of pain and frustration. And these feelings are powerfully yucky and at times its alsmost unbearable. My only guess is that I am “going through” the repressed feelings, and that this is normal.

    What do you think?

    Could you share more of you process in healing your sexuality? Some “lessons” you learned? How it all started? How you dealt with the things coming up? What triggered it ect…

    Because it was a reliefe hearing what you have written already, I was able to let some of that pressure I havent been able to release when I read your blogg.

    i would greatly appreciate this.

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