I am kicking sexual shame to the curb. I am SO done with it.
The more that I look within, the more that I discover how big of a role that shame has played in my life. And, believe me, not with any good results. It had its beginnings in how I was learning about being a sexual person, and proceeded to usurp my own sexual expression right up until this point in my life.
That is, until just a few short weeks ago.
There are aspects of my adolescent and my adult life, aspects that I will not express in detail here, but that were all part of me becoming a multifaceted person, including a sexual person. My development into that person got negatively influenced early on by the workings of shame. Sex is not talked about. Sex is secretive. Sexual feelings are something that we should not feel good about; that they are to be hidden and we shouldn’t talk about them.
I carried that with me throughout my adult life. Sure, I have expressed myself sexually, have had true intimacy with people, however, I don’t know that I ever felt okay about it, certainly didn’t feel like it was a part of my self that I could celebrate and feel connected to in a positive way. Those feelings felt dirty, and I decided not that long ago that I didn’t want to be carrying around that garbage anymore.
I was never abused; this comes from a different place than that. This is not a result of trauma, but rather, the inability to express fully who we are, honestly and without secrets, including our sexual selves. I believe it is probably rather common among those of us that are now adults, however, I don’t want to carry that badge anymore.
I want to express myself, and embrace myself, as a human being with many facets, including a sexual being. I want to express myself honestly, and with full understanding and acceptance that my sexual self is an essential part of me, and one to be celebrated, not hidden.
The scary part about shame, is that it can seep into all other aspects of life, no matter where it begins. It spreads and infects all that it touches, until we are so filled with self doubt that we apologize not just for what we do, but for who we are.
I am walking into the light now, never to wear this shroud of shame again. I feel proud of who I am, proud of all parts of self, and look forward with anticipation of full realization of me and my dreams.
What beauty I see in my mirror today!!!!