Wow, life is surely messy sometimes. We are just going along, minding our own business, not paying attention to the details that need attention, and pretty soon, a small spill turns into a rather large, sticky puddle of goo and mess.
One big YUCK.
Truth is, as yucky, messy and challenging life can be, I like it. I never liked to get dirty or play in the mud as a kid, but as a grown up kid, as a wise woman in the making, the messier my life is, the better.
When I tell you new readers, and my ever faithful readers, that I have been transformed in the last few weeks, you need to know that those words are the understatement of my entire life. Even though I have for much of my life, been a seeker of knowledge, willing to dive in and experience life fully, I really did not anticipate what that REALLY meant.
So, over the weekend, that got tested. I got to really look at, explore and challenge myself on so many levels. To take self-responsibility without being self-depricating. To acknowledge fault without feeling guilt and shame. To accept my consequences with grace and wisdom, and with the understanding that consequences aren’t always self-imposed.
This weekend, while I had my daughter and her friend in the car, after an evening of merriment, I got a ticket. Because I was driving with an expired driver’s license.
I knew the week before that it was expired; I figured out how it got expired, and I immediately set it in motion to get a new one. Through the mail.
While continuing to drive with an expired license.
I don’t think, no wait, I KNOW that it didn’t even occur to me that there was anything wrong with that. I won’t get stopped. I should be able to drive; after all, I am a safe driver. I am responsible. I will have the paper in a few days.
However, one bad brake light later, the police officer didn’t quite see it that way. I had to turn over my information, come clean about the license, and wait.
It was midnight. I had two young kids in the car. I was embarassed, and a bit scared.
I was pissed at myself for it having happened in the first place, trying to realize how it happened without it sounding like an excuse to myself.
So, they had to escort us to a parking lot, where I had to wait until my beloved could come out at 1:00 AM and pick us up. I had to wake her up. I had to be a passenger, not a driver, now until I get my new one.
I had to stop being arrogant, stop being a snotty know it all, and admit that I had screwed up, and I needed others to help me.
I had to get humble, and stop trying to control everything.
Big mess, huh?
Today, three days after the worst part of the icky mess occurred, it feels a bit more manageable. I got a ride to work. I have a ride home. I made amends with my daughter, her friend, and her friend’s dad. I thought about the lessons. I thought about the possible outcomes, and how grateful I am that it didn’t turn out really ugly.
I paid the fine and pled guilty.
Cleaning up our messes. We don’t have to wallow in the mess, just to make ourselves feel like total crap. We can be messy, we can even look for our messes that need cleaning.
Then, with an open heart, with full truth, and with self love and determination, we can clean up, realize that we all make messes, and learn the lessons we need to learn.
To quote a cleaning product commercial:
“Life is messy; clean it up.”