Using a voice of truth.

Okay, truth. True truth, that is what I am about in this moment.

Not the truth that I have previously spoken to myself. Not the truth that I talk myself into thinking that it really IS the truth. I am talking FULL, OPEN TRUTH.

Shit, that is scary.

Truth in which you are more vulnerable than you have ever been. Truth that speaks from your heart, not your head. Truth that is not logical, it is just factual. Truth that opens you up so widely that it seems that you are transparent.

That is the level of truth that I currently seek, and pursue, at this moment of my life.

I am a deceiver, in some ways. I have made mistakes. I have mistakenly believed that I was speaking my full truth, because I didn’t speak the words that always live in my head. You see, for me, I always thought that if I left things unsaid, and just kept them in my head, eventually they would go away, and would be able to just let them go. Like they never existed.

It reads as almost silly to me, to realize that I have believed that for all of these years. That if words, ideas and thoughts lingered in my head, that I would eventually be able to let them go.

WRONG.

Once I let go of that silly notion, I got down to the business of truly speaking from my heart, by clearing my head. You see, even if we try to ignore that which stays in our head, that which we never speak and try to forget is there, it still doesn’t go away. It still finds its way out through sharp words, sarcasm, resentment and silence.

Four sure ways to destroy intimacy with those around us, not enhance it.

What it has done to me over time is to create me as a Reactor. I would push those thoughts away so much, speaking something different than what I was thinking at times, hoping the thoughts would go away, and just like that, I would react to a situation rather than respond to it. Sharp tone, sharp words, and leaving hurt in my wake.

I have had enough of that stuff. It feels gross. I want something much more from myself, and want something more for myself, and for those around me that I love and care about.

So, truth to me is redefined, shiny and brand new. Truth to me is a big job, a big responsibility for the truth teller. It is not for the faint of heart. You have to be bold; you have to be brave, including when facing up to your own reasons and excuses for not speaking it.

So, in my ever present effort to stay in the moment, to not gravitate from what is going on right now, I am more able to be truthful, to focus on the here and now, and to transform myself from a Reactor to a Responder.

Thoughtful. Prepared. Truthful. Enlightened. Calm. Loving.

This is so who I want to be. And, so I shall be.

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7 thoughts on “Using a voice of truth.

  1. Hi Vanessa,
    Your post has moved me deeply and this line in particular:

    “You have to be bold; you have to be brave, including when facing up to your own reasons and excuses for not speaking it.”

    Indeed it takes agreat strength to tell the truth, the pure truth without distorting it, without modifying it to suit yourself or others. I find it ever so difficult. Sometimes even painful.
    I’ve often thought things would have been so much simpler and easier if we were able to be open and frank, but I also understand that we are so accustomed to not being our true selves that we do it automatically and we don’t even realize it.
    I guess it is because I have been suppressing and blanking out so many things in my mind that when finally the unconscious takes over, my reactions appear totally incongruous in the given situation.
    I deeply admire your determination. Good luck!

  2. Oh my.. such wise words! I don’t think I am that far as you are – yet… but I keep on trying. What more can we do than be honest to ourselves… look real deep into ourselve and really be truth to ourselves – and to our loved ones.
    You know I’m Dutch, I don’t know if I used the right words in the above sentences, but I’m sure you’ll read between the lines what I mean to say. I admire you. Thanks for this encouraging post! Have a lovely week!

  3. Hey Shiona! Glad that you paid a visit…….

    Oh my, it can be SO painful, indeed. And, yes, I myself have “reacted” and unconsciously responded in a way that is/was self protective, defensive, hostile even. All to protect what I feel I need to keep hidden away. Truth, as I am finding out, is much more than the words that come out of our mouths. And, it is so risky to be fully truthful; yet, I will not achieve my dreams unless I am committed to being more truthful every day, in each moment. I won’t be perfect at it, but I will at least give it my best. Thank you for your warm wishes!!!!

    Marit: Yes, looking at ourselves is most important, for sure. Otherwise, we use the information that we believe is our “truth”, and use it as a means to judge those around us. Without question, every single thing that bothers me in someone else, I am struggling with myself. I have found this to be true 100 PERCENT of the time. Talk about a wake up call!!!!!

    Thanks for coming by; you have a terrific week, as well!!!

  4. Vanessa,
    This line just really jumped out at me today:
    ” It still finds its way out through sharp words, sarcasm, resentment and silence.”
    Wow…how I have been there doing that…and how I have been the recipient of this. In fact, I have something just yesterday that came up…that I buried in silence….thinking it would go away. These words today touch me deeply, and remind me of truly what the truth means to me….

  5. WOW, Lance, that is so powerful to me. Because, TODAY was the day that I was ready to write these words, and TODAY was the day that you were ready and needing to hear them.

    So many of us have been here, I believe. Us humans, we are so imperfect. And, to top it all off, I am pretty arrogant about how well I handle things at times. Yet, this one comes to bite me more often than I care to admit. What is working for me the best, is staying right in the moment, as much as is humanly possible, AND, what I put into action yesterday, is to speak the truth openly, even when the words don’t come out so easily. What relief it is for me, and my loved ones.

    Best of luck and energy to you in this endeavor………

  6. Beautiful post Vanessa. You are so right that in being truthful, it takes a lot of work. And being truthful can lead to so much vulnerability. I love the picture as well. šŸ™‚

  7. Hey there my friend!

    Yes, the work is immense, and it is more vulnerable than I have ever been, when I am really being truthful. Yet, the payoff is immeasurable. Thank you so much for stopping by!!!! This pic is from me speaking/living out my truth in DC!!!! Vanessa

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