Okay, truth. True truth, that is what I am about in this moment.
Not the truth that I have previously spoken to myself. Not the truth that I talk myself into thinking that it really IS the truth. I am talking FULL, OPEN TRUTH.
Shit, that is scary.
Truth in which you are more vulnerable than you have ever been. Truth that speaks from your heart, not your head. Truth that is not logical, it is just factual. Truth that opens you up so widely that it seems that you are transparent.
That is the level of truth that I currently seek, and pursue, at this moment of my life.
I am a deceiver, in some ways. I have made mistakes. I have mistakenly believed that I was speaking my full truth, because I didn’t speak the words that always live in my head. You see, for me, I always thought that if I left things unsaid, and just kept them in my head, eventually they would go away, and would be able to just let them go. Like they never existed.
It reads as almost silly to me, to realize that I have believed that for all of these years. That if words, ideas and thoughts lingered in my head, that I would eventually be able to let them go.
Once I let go of that silly notion, I got down to the business of truly speaking from my heart, by clearing my head. You see, even if we try to ignore that which stays in our head, that which we never speak and try to forget is there, it still doesn’t go away. It still finds its way out through sharp words, sarcasm, resentment and silence.
Four sure ways to destroy intimacy with those around us, not enhance it.
What it has done to me over time is to create me as a Reactor. I would push those thoughts away so much, speaking something different than what I was thinking at times, hoping the thoughts would go away, and just like that, I would react to a situation rather than respond to it. Sharp tone, sharp words, and leaving hurt in my wake.
I have had enough of that stuff. It feels gross. I want something much more from myself, and want something more for myself, and for those around me that I love and care about.
So, truth to me is redefined, shiny and brand new. Truth to me is a big job, a big responsibility for the truth teller. It is not for the faint of heart. You have to be bold; you have to be brave, including when facing up to your own reasons and excuses for not speaking it.
So, in my ever present effort to stay in the moment, to not gravitate from what is going on right now, I am more able to be truthful, to focus on the here and now, and to transform myself from a Reactor to a Responder.
Thoughtful. Prepared. Truthful. Enlightened. Calm. Loving.
This is so who I want to be. And, so I shall be.