My most recent task in my quest toward my dreams, on my path of intention, was to make an exhaustive list (which I am sure that I could continue to add to as well) of our characteristics that we are not so fond of. The fixer. The boss. The controller. The nag. The person who is always right.
You have now been introduced to some of my list highlights. Remember, I warned you that I was intending on being much more transparent, and fully letting you know who I am.
That scares me, though. That level of truth is so freeing, yet so frightening at the same time. How can I openly show this much of myself without being condemned, rejected, left behind? In my heart of hearts, I know that I will never be alone, that we are all human and we all struggle with our own challenging character traits.
The fixer is probably the grand title for all that follows it: the need to control; the need to be right; the need to make decisions for myself and everyone else. The fixer in me believes that I have to come in, assess what the damage is in any situation, and begin to clean it up. Even when it isn’t my mess. Cleaning up the messes of others is especially invigorating to my fixer self, because it means that I am so effective and expert in all areas, that I can clean up just about anything for another person. Offer any amount of services that I have available to me to assist that person.
It never occurs to me to clean my own yard first. Nor, does it occur to me, when I am fully in this mode, that the other person is perfectly capable and competent to clean up their own dirty mess. Talk about disrespect; at those times, I really have no faith in or respect for another person’s ability to take care of things.
The fixer also keeps my controller side in full swing. You see, in order to keep things where I can see them, so I can have a certain amount of predictability and routine to what is around me, I have to control. I have to begin the plan for intervention immediately when I realize that an issue exists. No time for planning it out; no patience for slow, methodical intervention. Actions must be swift, and specific, who will do what by when, and I need to be in charge of that. Otherwise, it just won’t get done the right way.
So, to get others around me to come over to my way of thinking, I nag and persist and perseverate, and grow more anxious in my stomach as the moments drag on.
And, what I have discovered, gratefully, is that all of these nagging little traits come from one common denominator: FEAR.
It really is gross, this type of trait and the behaviors that follow it.
I don’t want it anymore.
However, what I WON’T do, as I let go of my fixer and learn to trust others more, is that I WON’T believe that even though I make mistakes, that I AM MY MISTAKES.
I AM NOT MY MISTAKES.
I am not a bad person. I have worth, value, beauty, knowledge, love, heart, soul, conscience, desire. I have all of the tools available to me to make this thing stay where it belongs; in check. It doesn’t mean I don’t know anything; however, it also doesn’t mean that I know EVERTHING!
I can go forward, even if I am a bit afraid, and walk through that fear with confidence and certainty that I don’t have to do everything for everyone. I don’t have to be so filled with fear that I need to control all that is around me.
PHEW! What a relief!!!! I am going forward with purpose, intention, and integrity, and building a life that is grand.