Monthly Archives: August 2010

My dance with the dramatic

As I continue my work as a Coach in Training the The Handel Group, which I am loving totally, I continue to explore and understand some of my most pervasive character traits; the ones that not only have served a purpose in my life, but the ones that also have the most potential to be my downfall. This is one of the most exciting, scary, and eye opening experiences of the work that I am doing on my self.

So far, I have identified and been working on five or six main traits: my control freak; my snotty know it all; my selfish/cold bitch; my fixer; my glossy liar; and the one that I think is the one that will bring me closest to my heart, my drama queen.

I have had a love/hate relationship with drama in my life for as long as I can remember. I have a copy of an old home movie, when our family was travelling back from New Orleans. We were at a hotel, and all of us kids were swimming in the pool. My cousin and my brother were trying to duck me under, and at first, I was laughing, and at some point, stopped thinking it was funny. It was a bit scary, but the dramatic flair of the whole thing, is that I literally put the back of my hand on my forehead, and put my head back, probably saying, “help me”. It was truly a dramatic pose. I chuckle when I remember the visual in my head.

I have always had a flair for the dramatic; and actually, I think that could mean a future in acting at some point, though I have never been able to bring it quite as effectively to the stage. The drama of the life experiences of mine, or others, is different than the actual scenarios, so this in no way diminishes how serious a situation can be, or was. It is more my response to it that is the key for me here.

For example, for years, I have been so complimentary to myself, in how much I am able to be in tune with the needs and feelings of others. If a person that is in my life tells me about something significant going on in their lives, my response has always been automatic: shock, upset, and even crying at the drop of a hat. Immediately immersing myself in their situation, or my own for that matter. Seems human and compassionate, right?

Here’s the rub…………..

It is not that I wasn’t concerned, empathic, it isn’t even that my responses aren’t truly genuine. What I am realizing, truly, is that my initial response of shock, of crying and getting immersed in it, has served two dark character traits for me: my drama queen, and my selfish bitch. I immediately become overwhelmed and involved in the emotions of others, and make the situation about me somehow. That is gross and I no longer want that. It also caters to my drama queen, and takes me away from emotions rather than toward them.

I am realizing how fully that my drama queen has served only as a distraction for me from having and identifying my true feelings about something. If I can immediately react, and get involved in it, it can feel like I am feeling, when actually, I don’t even give myself any time to absorb the situation, or, more importantly, to actually BE THERE for the person. What I am seeking is TRUE heart to heart, human connection, and this actually takes me away from it rather than toward. AND, it also distances me from the person, because I make it about me, rather than truly identifying or paying attention to what they need.

This has been a true revelation, one that is rocking my world in good, and challenging ways. It is interesting and challenging to identify our traits without making it an opportunity to chastise ourselves for how we have authored aspects of our lives in the past. The important thing is, is that I am calling it out, writing a different story about it, and leashing this trait to be a power for good.

And, I am sitting out this dance with the dramatic, and going for my full on heart.

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Transparency

I am amazed more and more each day, how transparency and truth are changing my life. The more that I allow myself to be truly seen, the more that my life is improving, opening up, growing and changing. I feel it; I see it; I know it in my heart and soul.

I have often in my life been a person who believed that she was transparent; open to others; truthful and fully open with those around me, including my family, friends, intimate relationships. To a degree, that is true; I was telling others my truth at the time. However, there were many parts that I kept hidden. I was hiding for a variety of reasons.

That is quite human for all of us, isn’t it? Hiding our truth from those around us, because we are afraid of how they will respond. Hiding our truth from those closest to us because we don’t think we are worthy to be honest. To be accepted for who we truly are. Hiding our truth and our true selves because we aren’t even sure who we are. Being ashamed. Being in denial. Avoiding.

I am realizing how much all of these forms of hiding are really forms of lying for me. Ways for me to be able to lie to myself about what is truly important to me, and who I truly am.

Speaking my true truth is risky. It is scary. To do so may bring about a negative response from those around me. It might strike up issues for those that I share it with, that they may then feel compelled to deal with. Others might feel confronted, when actually, I am owning my own truth, not assuming theirs. However, we humans are complex creatures, yes? It isn’t quite that simple to sift out what is our stuff, what is someone else’s. It often seems all tumbled together as one big batch of mess. One mess, in my mind, that needs to be sorted through, grain by grain.

I love my loved ones so much, as I always have. However, I know that I have lied, I have deceived them about many things in my life. They may be issues that I have denied, or ones that I don’t recollect easily. Maybe that doesn’t seem like lying, but it is to me. I found a way to deny the truth to myself, and to them, and therefore, part of the person that they knew in me was not authentic. Not transparent.

That is all changing now. Every time I stand on the edge of telling a truth, the full truth as I now know it, I feel scared, unnerved at times. The words barely feel like they will cross my lips. Yet, I stay present, I focus, I believe that no matter what, I can deliver the truth from my heart; I can do it with love, compassion and understanding. And, I can stand firm in it. Because, when I am truly speaking from my heart, allowing it to open more and more to what is really there, I stand behind it, and around it, one hundred percent.

Nothing can shake me.

I am brilliance!

For the last few days, I have been feeling stuck. Stuck in the rut of change. I have been very focused on making more positive choices, staying present, and having more acute awareness of my thoughts and actions with those around me. I have been doing my coaching work, and fully enjoying what awareness and information that is bringing to me, about me. However, I have also been doing a great deal of perseverating on my love relationship: will it change with me, will it persevere, what do I really want, what do both of us want. On and on…….. so much so that I wasn’t able to really focus on being present and enjoying it. The worry about it became a distraction that took me away from my life.

Last night, while sitting in on a coaching group call with Handel Group, and my coach, Kate, I heard some words that went off like an alarm bell in my head: Brilliance! Being! I realized that as I focus on keeping my promises to myself and others; doing the things that I believe are the right thing to do; focusing on all that I have to change and evolve in order to keep growing; I was forgetting just to be BRILLIANT! I was forgetting to let my light shine; to be the light that I want others to emulate. I was forgetting to bask in that and be what it is that I want to manifest. I got so lost in tasks that I forgot, simply to be. Be who I truly want to be.

So, last night, I wrote an “I AM” statement, and it goes something like this:

I AM BRILLIANCE!
I am bright and full of light; it radiates from me, and shines upon all of those whom I meet!
Brilliance is my open heart, radiating toward all of those in my path! Light, love, brilliance- I can manifest and create this in all areas of my life!
I am a burst of light,
A burst of love,
kicking open the doors
on my heart.

As I wrote this, I felt my heart opening up. I realized that while I was doing, even though my goal is to have a more open heart, the more that I did, working toward helping this relationship to work, I would shut my heart each time I felt defeated, or that it wasn’t working. What I now understand, and will continue to keep as my focus, is that I need to BE the brilliance; and although I have no idea where that brilliance will lead us, I know where it will lead me. To pure, open, and brilliant love.

I am basking in it this very moment………

The lies of omission

My entire life, or at least for as long as I have memory of, I have had pride in the fact that I am a truthful person. I mean, my little brother would lie about the most obvious things, get caught much of the time, and keep doing it. I was the truthful one. Admitting when I had done wrong; answering questions truthfully; definitely not a liar. Or, so I thought.

What is emerging more clearly each and every day, a truth that I am embracing in this time of my life, is what a liar I have truly been. No, not a liar that makes up stories. No, not a liar that steals and pretends that I don’t. I am a sneakier liar than that; the kind of liar that insists that they don’t lie; really truly believe that they don’t. I have been a liar by omission.

I think I have always believed, that if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. In that vein, when something or some part of my closest relationships have been going terribly wrong, and I have felt resentful, angry, unloved, or neglected, instead of telling the truth about my feelings and thoughts, I have omitted the words; not spoken at all, or spoken untruths by saying that everything is fine. And, until quite recently, I have believed that it meant that I was not a liar. Well, guess what? I am.

A liar is any person who is deceitful in some way about their behavior, their thoughts or feelings. Sure, it is crappy behavior, and I am not proud of it, but I am not being self-depricating about it either. That serves no purpose, and keeps me in an excuse mode of not changing it. So, what does a liar do to change the course of their life?

Tell the truth, of course. Tell it as fully and as often as possible. Confess, confess, confess!!!! That is the mode that I am presently in, I have gone from being the omitter to the confessor.

I have to say, it is quite freeing. Each time that I anticipate, and then tell the truth, about something that I have kept hidden in my life, something that I am hard pressed to want anyone to know of me, I feel so free, exhilarated, released in some way. The toxins that fill me by holding it in and denying that it is there are released, and I can create promises of how that behavior doesn’t have to be used anymore. I can start loving myself, opening up and trusting more, and experiencing the fullest love that I can imagine.

The dream, you see, is full, deep, connected love. I cannot fully have that dream if I am being dishonest, with myself and others, about areas of my life. I need transparency, openness, and freedom, in order to truly experience full love.

I am becoming ready.