My entire life, or at least for as long as I have memory of, I have had pride in the fact that I am a truthful person. I mean, my little brother would lie about the most obvious things, get caught much of the time, and keep doing it. I was the truthful one. Admitting when I had done wrong; answering questions truthfully; definitely not a liar. Or, so I thought.
What is emerging more clearly each and every day, a truth that I am embracing in this time of my life, is what a liar I have truly been. No, not a liar that makes up stories. No, not a liar that steals and pretends that I don’t. I am a sneakier liar than that; the kind of liar that insists that they don’t lie; really truly believe that they don’t. I have been a liar by omission.
I think I have always believed, that if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. In that vein, when something or some part of my closest relationships have been going terribly wrong, and I have felt resentful, angry, unloved, or neglected, instead of telling the truth about my feelings and thoughts, I have omitted the words; not spoken at all, or spoken untruths by saying that everything is fine. And, until quite recently, I have believed that it meant that I was not a liar. Well, guess what? I am.
A liar is any person who is deceitful in some way about their behavior, their thoughts or feelings. Sure, it is crappy behavior, and I am not proud of it, but I am not being self-depricating about it either. That serves no purpose, and keeps me in an excuse mode of not changing it. So, what does a liar do to change the course of their life?
Tell the truth, of course. Tell it as fully and as often as possible. Confess, confess, confess!!!! That is the mode that I am presently in, I have gone from being the omitter to the confessor.
I have to say, it is quite freeing. Each time that I anticipate, and then tell the truth, about something that I have kept hidden in my life, something that I am hard pressed to want anyone to know of me, I feel so free, exhilarated, released in some way. The toxins that fill me by holding it in and denying that it is there are released, and I can create promises of how that behavior doesn’t have to be used anymore. I can start loving myself, opening up and trusting more, and experiencing the fullest love that I can imagine.
The dream, you see, is full, deep, connected love. I cannot fully have that dream if I am being dishonest, with myself and others, about areas of my life. I need transparency, openness, and freedom, in order to truly experience full love.
I am becoming ready.