Calling myself out!

Part of being a glossy liar is that I like to look good. My hair just so; my clothes well put together; my accessories having a symbolic meaning. So, I am not always enthusiastic about calling to those less than ideal qualities of mine, those character traits that need some serious leashing. I don’t admitting that at times, I can be a bitch, selfish, a snotty know it all, control freak, or a liar. It feels messy. I don’t like messes. At least historically, I haven’t in my life.

So, as I have been giving great amounts of time and thought to the designing of a brilliant life for myself, I have become acutely aware of the fact that I am now, more than ever, able to tell when my actions/promises/thoughts/feelings are not in total alignment with my dreams. I might feel like I am doing all that I can to make a dream happen; I might have fully convinced myself that there are many factors that are out of my control; and that I am focusing only on me, and not the actions, or nonactions, of others around me. However, that would not be ENTIRELY accurate. Even though on the surface, I believe that I am doing everything in my power to be graceful with my loved ones; to allow them to make their own choices; and to design beautifully in the meantime, I am a liar about it.

In fact, especially in my closest relationships, I have not been loving people right where they are at. I have been trying to skip to finding out how the story turns out. I have been so focused on what comes next, on the HOW of the dream, that I am neglecting to care for it in the here and now. When on the surface, I believe that all I am doing is stating what my dream relationship/family status/career looks like, I also have a checklist of criteria for those involved, that I am secretly holding them accountable to. I’ve tried to justify this checklist also, as the way for me to let others know what I truly need to be happy.

What I am calling out in myself, as hard as it is for me to do, is that it is my way of saying THIS IS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, FOR ME, FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED. IF YOU WERE SMART, IF YOU CARED ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN OUR LIVES, YOU WILL DO IT EXACTLY AS I DEMAND. IF YOU DON’T, I AM DONE.

What a bitch!

Luckily, I am learning to be more aware of these traits, and to call them out as I see them. When we are designing our lives, if we feel the least bit out of balance with it, or if the conversation in our heads, is different than the words that pass our lips, than we are not in integrity. We are not truly designing in an honest fashion. We are lying, to ourselves and to those around us. And, the bottom line is, for me, there is way too much at stake for me to mess around with the bullshit of lying about what my actual efforts are, and by not admitting when I am really being a fake.

So, I am publicly calling myself out, letting others know, and reminding myself, that the only way to truly be set free, is with the truth. The full truth. And, that as I state that full truth, to remember that it is ONLY mine to own; and that all those around me have their own truth in mind. And, that we need to show love and compassion and love for those around us, as we all try to create this beauty.

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2 thoughts on “Calling myself out!

  1. The past couple of posts caused my appreciation for you to jump 10 fold 🙂 I already liked you as a blogger…wanted you to know I think you’re on the right track bringing the garbage into the light. Don’t like to quote scripture on the Internet very often for my own personal reasons, but this verse comes to mind Vanessa…”God resists the proud, but gives help (grace) to the humble” ( I think it’s in the New Testament letter to James)
    That is the very thing that you’re doing admitting your need…you are humbling yourself. takes a big person to do that. your friend. DM

  2. DM: Talk about feeling humbled! What a beautiful compliment to me, thank you! I am amazed, even though I hate viewing myself as anything other than sheer perfection, when I look at those raw, human aspects truthfully, and pull them out into the light, I feel free. I feel confident. I feel genuine. And, nothing feels better to me than that.

    I am committed to committing to my writing more than ever. Blogging serves that purpose for me like no other. I am so grateful for you my friend. Vanessa

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