I can try calling it other things: denial, hiding, detachment. The bottom line is, however, is that there are times that I have been a liar. About myself, my life, my relationships, my wants, needs and desires.
Although I am learning through my coaching work with The Handel Group that feeling badly about something is just a distraction, an excuse to not design a beautiful life for ourselves, calling myself a liar has been a really hard one for me to come to terms with. Throughout my lifetime, the one characteristic that I was sure I did not possess was being a liar. I took pride often in my ability to be honest about my feelings and intentions. I took responsibility for issues that were my fault. I spoke up for others in an honest fashion. That for sure isn’t a liar, right?
Yet, there were things that I lied about since early in my adulthood. I lied about my drinking and driving. I lied about the fact that I wasn’t happy in most of the relationships that I was involved with. I lied about not wanting to have more sexual intimacy with my partners. I lied to my parents about a host of things. I lied to myself, often, about not wanting what I did want, in life, love, career.
So, now is the time for action. Feeling sorry for myself, or badly for the lies that I have already told, is a waste of time that I don’t want to use. I need no distractions from the focus on my dreams. The way that I see things these days, is that anything that isn’t taking me toward my dreams, is actually on the fast track to taking me AWAY from my dreams. I am actively scripting it to be honest, clear, and direct about what I think, feel and believe.
That is not to say that this new behavior is easy, mind you. Lying for me, deceiving, keeping things hidden is the easy way, at least at first. That way, I don’t have to be viewed in any way that I don’t have complete control over, or so I think. I don’t have to be the least bit uncomfortable, at least on the surface, for speaking the REAL truth. It is so funny how I came to believe all of these years, I am talking YEARS, that the secondary conversation that always happened in my head was SUPPOSED to be there. WRONG. If there is that kind of disconnect/inconsistency going on in my head, from what is coming out of my mouth, then that is a sure sign that I am lying.
So, if I tell you I love you, know that I mean it. If I tell you that I am not happy, believe that I am not. And, I know that you may have no reason to trust that now I am being truthful. All that I can say is, I am changing the course of my life, I am doing something different, that is more in line with the person I want to be than any other time of my life, and I will author beauty.
You can believe it.