Part of the work that I am doing with the Handel Group involves making a list of all of those incidents in my life that have had a last affect on me, that to think about to this day have an acute response within. My list so far, of haunts as they are called, is over thirty recollections. Now, I have not had a traumatic or troubled childhood, as I would call it. I am able to recall those circumstances that most impacted on forging the path of who I am today. And all of them, and my part in authoring them, have to be rewritten and handled.
With many of these recollections, confessions are necessary. That can mean, confessing to the person or persons whom I have wronged; confessing to new people in my life about what I have done; confessing to those I am just meeting in order to bring more transparency and understanding. No matter what, confessing in its truest form, has been a struggle for me up to this point in my life.
To me, confessing always sounded like deeper, darker work than acknowledging my responsibility in something. And, in a very true way, it is. To admit what I have done wrong, or screwed up, has been easy for me much of the time in my life. I have said the words and apologized. However, CONFESSING truly ups the ante. In confessing, I am truly taking stock in what it is I have done. I am inviting feedback from the person I have done the action to. I am not just saying my apology and running away. I am FACING my wrongdoing.
Last night, I had one of my training sessions for my coaching work, and I talked on the call about my history of drinking and driving. It is a long history, one that never involved being arrested, or having an accident. I always went out to the bar, or the club, with the intention to drink enough to get drunk. However, I often had others in the car with me, including my partner and our daughter. And, in my earlier years of drunkenness, I was often so drunk, that I would pass out shortly after arriving at my destination. I am telling you the truth on this one.
Although I have a chilling feeling when I confess this, that I did this thing and really didn’t give a shit about my passengers, or others on the road, or the law, I also understand the power and the magic that lies in it by confessing. I was arrogant, self centered, and thought that I was entitled to do whatever I wanted, with no regard to safety or to the rules. And, my intention when drinking booze was often, to get drunk.
The magic of this for me, is in how freed up I feel, by telling the truth about this. Part of the work that I am doing is cleaning up the messes that I have designed in my life. My doing. Going back and checking out with those that have been my passengers when I drove drunk, is one way to clean up. This is another way; letting the world know my way of designing in the past, how utterly self centered that was, and my pure intention to do it differently now.
Do you have anything that you have been deeply needing to confess to someone in your life?
I highly recommend it. With love.