Monthly Archives: October 2010

Evolution.

I almost feel my growth daily, in this process of coaching through the Handel Group and their method. Although there are those in my life that see me as falling under their influence, and just going along with the crowd, what they are teaching me, about life, dreams, and myself, is nothing short of life changing. And, the decisions that I am making to shift and change the course of my life, are mine.

That being said, as I continue to evolve toward my most brilliant self, living my most brilliant life, I feel so selfish at times. Selfish, because it seems like I am focusing so much on me, that it at first glance would seem, to myself at least, to be at the expense of others. That is a voice in my head that, depending on how confident I feel on any particular day, is louder or softer in my ear.

The interesting thing about it all, and this is a learning process for me as well, is that the more that I work on self, on taking down my ugliest traits, on calling out my most bothersome of behaviors, and confessing my untruths, the BETTER my relationships have the potential to be. With my daughter, I have definitely seen growth and improvement. I have always loved her with all of my heart, yet there have been many times in her twelve years that I have been reactive, worrisome, and overbearing. Even cold. I am changing that up, and I am so fortunate that is is still willing to trust that the changes are for good. It has opened us up and given us a new path in so many ways.

This is not so true with some of my other closest relationships. It seems difficult to be fully attending to what I am, so that I can be a better person, a better friend, lover and sister, to all of those in my life. It is not so easy for others to trust the changes. That has been a difficult path for me, because I want to be trusted; I want my changes to be valued.

And, what the lesson has become in it for me, is that any fear I have about others truly trusting me, is my own demons about not trust the changes myself.

So, for today, I am embracing my changes; I am celebrating my evolution; I am trusting that all of the changes that I am making in my life, are to bring me closer to those that I love, and in line with all of the dreams of my life. To create me as the most beautiful human that I can be.

Amazing.

Advertisements

Acceptance

As I learn more and more about myself and my dreams through my coaching work, I also am learning more and more about acceptance, and how that fits into my life. Now, I have always known what acceptance is, yet I think I am shifting in the way that it affects me today.

Acceptance for me, in the past, has been about realizing that I can only control my own behavior, no one else’s, and I need to accept them for who they are. That is similar to how I feel now; however, in the past, even when I have had acceptance about the actions, feelings or thoughts of another person, I kind of disconnected from my feelings for that person. If they did or said something that reflected where they were at, but felt hurtful or uncomfortable to me, I would often either react emotionally, or I would shut off any feelings that I had about it.

Acceptance today has evolved to something a bit more connected than this way of thinking. I still know and believe that there are many in this world, and I am realizing, many more since I have started being transparent about my work, that think very differently than me. There are also many people in this world who can only give so much, risk so much, surrender their feelings and thoughts only to a certain point. ANd, for each of them, I have acceptance, although difficult at times. However, it is acceptance, with love.

No matter what, I can accept that someone is not where I am at, yet continue to love them. Not everyone is ready or willing to communicate openly, confess, or stop hiding from the truths of their lives. I am, however, that means that I need to accept where those people are at, and keep loving them, no matter what.

It also means, that I need to continue to open my heart more and more. It can be tempting to want to shut it down, to protect it from those that are still not ready to do the work of truth. However, I am striving for full acceptance, with love, and also, with an open heart.

Because I want to let my own light shine upon all of those that I meet, to inspire them to release their own.

Getting Sober.

Part of the work that I am doing with the Handel Group, and receiving coaching as well as training as a coach, is making and keeping promises. Promises have been pretty loaded for me in the past; the promises that I most deeply wanted to keep (I will never leave you) I have rarely kept, so when I went about creating promises for myself, I wanted them to be doable, yet a stretch for me in some ways.

One of the many promises that I keep each week has to do with my sobriety. I stopped drinking alcohol, for good, on August 12 of this year. Some of the reasons that I chose to do that is to have a healthy body; to get more clear and focused on my goals; and to provide a healthier legacy to our daughter, than I was given in regard to alcohol. I also knew, deep down, that alcohol and me are not a good combination, and that I am probably an alcoholic. That was a hard word for me to use.

The promise is that each week, I will tell one new person in my life that I no longer drink, and why I no longer drink. Truth. This past week, I did not keep that promise. No excuses. So, my consequence is that I have to go to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting with a friend. I DREADED that. I felt scared, uncomfortable, and out of place thinking about it, that is why I made it a consequence, so I WOULDN’T have to do it. However, here I was, needing to keep it.

Now, no one would know if I didn’t keep it, if I lied about the promise so never did the consequence. Well, no one but me. And, I know in my life today that I don’t want to be a liar, to others or to myself.

So, I contacted a friend who has been sober, fifteen years next month. She told me a few different meetings that she goes to that we could attend together. And, I did. I went last night. I was scared, and even feeling a bit self conscious, like I did, and didn’t, belong there.

Going to that meeting was one of the most meaningful times of my life. I heard my story in the story of others; I felt support; I felt hope. And, now I know that I will go back.

Because, I realized last night that it is okay to call out who we truly are; to get honest and real. And, that there are others who know, understand, and will hold you up on the way.

I am so grateful for getting sober.

I desire, I focus, I intend, I become!

I absolutely love doing my Intensati workout each morning. Whether I am working my upper or lower body, one thing is for sure: I get the best workout of my life, and I feel inspired as well!

When I do the workout for my lower body, which includes a lot of balancing, and therefore, the need to focus, I have to say the following affirmation when I am doing the warrior pose, from Yoga practice: I desire, I focus, I intend, I become! This statement refers to the process by which we envision our dreams, those things which we desire to come to us, keep our focus, intend what it is we desire, and then, become it. And, believe me, it works!

It works for me for many reasons. First of all, DESIRE. Allowing myself to desire, to dream every dream that I have ever thought about, and then cast aside, is the key to beginning on the journey to having it. Who is to say that I am not allowed my dreams? NO ONE! I am allowed any dreams that I bring to myself, and it all starts with the desire to have what it is I dream of.

Then, I FOCUS. Focus my attention on what it is I truly want. I focus my efforts toward my dreams, by making promises and keeping them, to myself and to others. Keeping this focus keeps my attention on the dreams that are most important to me, and gives me steps to take.

I also remember to INTEND. Intend what I desire. Intention is quite powerful; when we intend what it is that we desire, we are committed to it. Intending indicates a purposefulness in what we do and how we go toward those dreams that are important for us to achieve.

Then, we BECOME! Just think of it; by focusing our efforts, and keeping our intentions clear and purposeful, we truly can become what we desire. It truly can, and does happen. It is possible.

And, it is always, in OUR hands.

Communication: Art or Science?

As I have evolved throughout my lifetime, gaining knowledge and understanding about myself, others, and the the interactions that result in the world, I have had varying views about aspects of human behavior. One in particular that I have thought on at length is in the area of communication. Besides love, open communication to me, is the key to success of any human relationship.

I have trained many people in the past on the subject, how to communicate effectively, how to express your needs clearly, how to be a good listener. It really is technically based; state specifically what you are trying to convey; listen acutely to the person speaking to you; say back to them what they have said so that you know that you clearly understand. When done in this manner, very little room for error, right?

I always felt so empowered and effective at teaching others about these most critical ways to strengthen relationships, because I took great pride in what an effective communicator, as the speaker and as the listener, that I have been in my life.

What a bunch of BS.

It is so interesting to me that even though I believed myself to be so good at this, that my relationship did not succeed, and I have come to realize throughout the last few months how little I communicated important things within that relationship. Deep things, that I accused her of not telling me. And yet, I wasn’t telling either.

Even though I know and understand the technical aspects of communication, I never used them in my closest relationships, especially in my intimate, partner relationships. I always wanted to have it be peaceful and loving, so I would withhold telling how I truly felt rather than create assumed conflict. I would not save what I really wanted to defer to someone else’s wants and needs, but then not say so. I would say and feel love, and not say when I was unhappy or unsatisfied.

I really viewed communication in the context of intimate relationships, as an art. That which just flows naturally and easily due to the love that exists. Like the falling in love itself, it just happens and you go along for the ride, so clear communication just comes with that.

Nope, doesn’t work that way. I have come to understand very distinctly, that communication, no matter what relationships we are talking about, communication is truly a science. It is saying clearly and intently what it is we want to say. As a listener, it means listening actively, and saying back what has been said for clear understanding. It means calling out our disappointments, hopes, fears, and dreams all of the time, not just when the going gets rough.

It means opening up, showing our heart, being vulnerable. Scientifically, of course.