For as long as I can remember, I have been a person who feels deep love. Love for other people, animals, aspects of life. I have also, for as long as I can remember, been a person who is demonstrative with their feelings, which has usually meant that I cry easily. I always had the theory that if I felt love and was expressive, than I must be in touch with my emotions, right?
WRONG. SO WRONG.
I am discovering so many exciting and interesting aspects of myself through my coaching work, as a client and a Coach in Training, through the Handel Group. One of the premises in designing a brilliant life, is that the stories, now, past and future, can always be changed. We can change our perspective, and our theories if they no longer work for us, or keep us stuck in a pattern that we are unhappy with. I am the one that can change that.
To come to the realizations that my tears were often expressed as a dramatic sequence (hence, my Drama Queen trait), and that I have been so disconnected from my heart for much of my life, that I turn cold and detached inside, is truly transformational. All of these years, I have gone through the motions and display of truly feeling, however, I haven’t really been in touch with my true emotions on a deep, meaningful level.
One of the most profound ways that this has come to light in my life of today is in the area of fear. For me, fear has always been something that I have talked myself out of feeling. Even if I have been afraid of something, I plow through it to tackle it as quickly as possible. I limit myself to how much fear that I am truly allowed to feel. And, when I mentioned that this week to a friend of mine, in light of major life shifts, she told me DON’T. Don’t talk yourself out of or limit how much fear you are allowed to have, because that limits how much you are allowing yourself to FEEL. It disconnects you; it takes you away from your emotions. To stay truly in the heart, I need to feel, I need to be willing and able to feel everything that comes my way. That is truly an open heart.
Amazing! Here, all of these years, I have thought that I am doing myself a good service by avoiding feelings, when in fact, it has kept me so far away from my heart for so long. And, since my coaching work, I have been noticing a significant difference, in how open my heart is becoming. I am less abrupt; I am not cold and detached, even when confronted with a situation that is conflictual or especially difficult. I am willing to be present in the love of the moment and do my best to be there, and in love.
So, my journey that I am on in this life includes needing to remind myself consistently about how to stay connected to my emotions, every day. And, that the whole range of emotions, whether that is fear, anger, love, frustration, serenity- they are all part of it.
My heart is filling up.