I am realizing more and more each day how disconnected I have been, much of my life, from my true emotions. I don’t think that there is any emotion that I have been more disconnected from than that of fear.
I hate feeling, and admitting, that I am afraid of anything.
Even at times when I have felt fear, valid fear, I have not wanted to have it present to me. Even when I would have butterflies and disruption in my tummy, even when I would have scary, upsetting thoughts running through my head, I never wanted to give fear its due. Even at times it has been in my presence, I would always avoid acknowledging it being there.
In my mind, if I were to entertain even a couple of moments of feeling fear, even valid fear, that the feelings would overcome me. I would become so immobilized by focusing on what I was afraid of, that I would not be able to move in any direction. Basically, I was afraid of feeling afraid. Afraid of feeling anything much of the time. Feeling meant, at least I thought that it did, a loss of control, an inability to have power in any given situation. I ALWAYS needed and wanted to be in control, including over my emotions. Fear took that power away from me, or at least it seemed that way.
When these times would occur, I would give myself only a brief amount of time to be afraid, only a little bit of fear was what I would allow into my psyche. In the here and now, as I explore my character traits that need to be tightly leashed, I believed that to allow fear to go on for a long period of time, would give my eternal Drama Queen permission to emerge, and be histrionic about what was going on.
However, I continue to learn, evolve and grow in this process, and willingly take in new information each and every day. And, the problem with limiting how long I will allow fear, or any emotion to hang around, is that then I run the risk of shutting off, or potentially shutting off, whatever I am feeling. Shutting down is not something that I want to do anymore.
If I truly want to remain connected to my heart, always as I go forward, I need to stay fully connected to my emotions. That is so new for me! I need to make room for all of those emotions, whatever they are. So, whether it is love, fear, anger, hostility, joy, nervousness, or embarassment, I need to give those emotions the time and the energy that they deserve. To stay close to my heart.
Allowing my emotions to emerge doesn’t have to mean that they will carry me away somewhere that I am not designing. It simply means that my heart continues to open more and more, the more that I feel.
Love is on its way.