I surprise myself at times about how I am. I am not saying that to be demeaning or self depricating; just truthful. As I continue my work with coaching at the Handel Group, and learn more and more about what I am made up of, there are many traits that I possess, and embrace and use, on a daily basis. They are most visible, in my perspective, in my closest of relationships. Where it seems there is most at stake. Interesting. Most likely that is because those are the persons whom I feel the most safe with; however, they also endure the negative aspects the most as well.
I would say that of the two biggest traits that I possess, one is what I lovingly call my Control Freak. That actually is in cahoots with my Snotty Know it All, in that they both have the same intent: to tell all of those around me, directly or indirectly, that I know best and I am the expert. And, that I need to be in control of EVERYTHING around me.
This character trait, which I have lovingly renamed my Snotty Control Freak, is the one that is with me the most, and the one which I have been more aware of in the last few days.
Even when I am not consciously thinking about controlling an outcome, or dictating to someone what I believe is best for them, it is sneaky and finds its way in. In the way I ask a question. In the way that I respond to questions from others. In the way that I interact on a daily basis, if I do not keep it in close check, it runs freely and often without me recognizing it right away.
I am going through major life changes right now; and although my hope is that they will have a totally positive outcome, the transition is challenging at times. And, even endings like this one, I try to control in my snotty way. All in the interest, of course, of wanting the best for everyone. It is noble, at first glance, and then I realize that it is not all up to me. All that is up to me, is ME. Truly.
So, I am holding myself to a more acute awareness than ever, starting now, so that I can improve my relationships, really hear what those around me are saying, and learn to trust more and open up my heart. No easy task, for a Snotty Control Freak like myself.
Yet, the payoff of this work will be so worth it. My dreams are awaiting my arrival.