Monthly Archives: December 2010

Preparing for the worst, instead of expecting the best!

In my unending quest to take down my Control Freak, actually, to take it down by the end of the year, in all ways that it is the most sneaky in order to be in charge, I have been having some significant breakthroughs. Last night, as I was re-reading an email that I had not paid full attention to the first time, in a quest to be efficient and read faster, I realized something quite telling about me. That is, one of the results of my Control Freak being so intact most of my life, I also created a Multitasking Maniac, who focuses on completing a variety of tasks at once. As a result, I am a browser/speed reader, and I miss important details in documents, in my home, in my environment. It is directly related to my Control Freak, because the whole reason I became a Multitasking Maniac, was to take control of every task that had to be done, because I alone am the only one that could do it correctly.

Ironically, I did many tasks, but many were not done completely because of this Maniac being at work. Very interesting…….

As I thought about this more and more today, I realized that another way that I allow my Control Freak to be at the wheel, is in how I have thought about situations in my life. You see, if I can know the order, progression or outcome of a situation, if I can plan for it in my head, then I still feel like I have some control, even over parts of a situation that I have nothing to do with. SO, if I would envision the worst case scenario, it meant that I could mentally, and maybe otherwise, prepare for it. And, that maybe that would prepare me better for its arrival, should that ever come. Preparing for the worst.

I would be a bit sneaky about this as well, in that, I would PREPARE for the worst, but I would let on to others that I wasn’t worried a bit that it would actually happen. I just wanted to have a strategy in mind JUST IN CASE. So, I was also lying about how much worrying I was actually doing, and instead of expecting the best, which could have been my plan instead, I was preparing in my mind for terrible circumstances.

Nothing speaks to this better than when I had a lump in my breast, and thought that I might have cancer. For me to keep control of that situation, and to go on like I wasn’t scared out of my mind, I told everyone that I had always thought that I would get cancer; and that, even though it would be a challenge, I didn’t think it would kill me. I just wanted to prepare myself, and those around me, in case such a diagnosis were to arrive.

Well, thankfully, I never heard those words stated to me, yet the impact on my loved ones was significant. I never let on that I was worried, or scared, that I might die. I just plowed on with my preparation strategy, and not instead, envisioned and manifested a healthy life, without cancer and without those words being spoken to me.

I never said how truly scared I was, to anyone.

Today, I am realizing that human strength is not about acting like you are not scared, but embracing and acknowledging our fears openly and honestly, and going forward in spite of those fears. It means being human, vulnerable and reaching out, which opens our heart more each and every time that we do it.

Each and every time that we declare that we are not in this alone, and that we are willing to let others in, we are telling the Universe, “I expect the best!”

I am finally ready for that.

Simple, not easy

I have been thinking, and feeling, a lot of different things this week in anticipation of Christmas. By far, Christmas is my favorite holiday, and has been up to this point, for many reasons. The gathering of families, the celebration through food and drink, the gifts given and received that we find in our stockings and under the tree. The birth of a babe. To me, there truly is a Christmas glow that I carry with me more than ever at this time of year.

This year, my holiday and way of celebrating is much changed. However, that is only in part because of my changed relationship status. Some of the major changes have come about because of me getting honest with myself, and truly being the type of person that I have said I was all of these years. What is so interesting and exciting to me, though, is how those changes feel like a natural evolution of who I want to be as a person.

No more drinking; I know that I have given that such great importance in the past, as being such a centerpiece of the holiday season, and this year, I am excited and looking forward to a sober celebration, which means, I will truly be present to it all.

Fewer presents this year. I have gotten really cleaned up about not spending money that I don’t have, by not purchasing anything anymore with credit, only cash. It means fewer gifts, but more thought going into each and every one. It means, truly giving gifts out of desire, not obligation.

No intimate partner to celebrate the season with. The difference here is that, even though we still live with and cooperate with one another, there is no romance this year associated with the holiday. However, that feels okay too, when it doesn’t hurt. And, even when it does, I am inviting it, dwelling in it, and then letting it go. I am FEELING, for the first time in my life.

No church attendance for me this year. For me, I still acknowledge the birth of Jesus as why we celebrate this day; however, I am finding my own spiritual way recently, and it feels amazing, freeing and so much more in tune with where my heart and soul are at. I feel more open and ready to receive than ever before in my life.

There are so many changes, and steps toward more integrity that I have made, that each one in and of itself is fairly simple; however, there are some days during this season when it doesn’t feel EASY. In a way, I feel more sad about the fact that I lived my life so unauthentically, for so long, and to me now, that seems like the harder work. Not harder to be living more clean, more honest and truthful.

So, in the last couple of days, I have changed my thoughts even on this post. Initially, I thought that keeping it simple, doesn’t mean easy. However, in recent months, since I have started to live more simply in my daily life, more clean and honest, my life IS truly easier. Of course, when confronted with how I have lived my life with others up to this point, it creates some difficulty. However, when I choose simplicity, in the midst of that, it is truly easy.

I am wishing all of you, and your loved ones, blessings and love this holiday season. I know that I will be counting all of my blessings, on this Christmas eve, and every day going forward.

Clarity

I have such a keen sense of clarity as I go forward in this process of self awareness, and as I continue to live my life sober. It is truly amazing what I lived in, compared to where I live now.

I was at an AA meeting last night, and for the first time in the two months that I have been going, I felt compelled to share. What I shared is how grateful I am, that even though I am going through the breakup of a long term, intimate relationship, I am doing it sober. As difficult as this is to go through, it is hard to imagine how much more complicated, and painful, it would be to do it drunk.

I also talked about my gratitude for clarity since I have become sober. I feel like my mind is crisper, fresher and more clear about what it is I want to do. What I intend, what my dreams are, what my true purpose is.

Of course, now I know that my true purpose on this earth is the change the world. In as many ways as I can. As often as I can. And, with sobriety, and with a focus on my dreams and my belief in them, I know that I will be able to do that.

I am also so aware, which I also spoke to last night, at how numb I have been throughout my whole drinking life. Whether I was seeking to be numb from a painful situation, or a social situation that I was uncomfortable with, or a way to cope with a relationship that wasn’t working. Alcohol for me, did its duty in numbing me from so many situations, and turning me off from truly feeling anything.

I am also grateful for feeling; it might sound strange, but although I have been a cryer, and express my feelings much of my life, I don’t think that I have ever really been FEELING them. Now, all of it, whether it be joy, excitement, or sadness, I am feeling it more fully than ever before in my life. It is truly amazing.

It reminds me, that I am, indeed, alive and here and able to change the world for the better.

WOW!!!!!!

This is so exciting, the way in which I am going after my dreams and making them reality. I find myself more and more amazed each day, at how my entire life, its events, its plans and outcomes, are truly in my hands. The part that I play, anyway. I am focused, intentional and committed to living a truly brilliant life.

I was at a party for a group of my friends through Handel Group on Saturday, and was asked by an executive in the company what I “do”. My standard answer is always, “I am working for managed care; not my dream job, but okay for now”, when someone else prompted me by saying, “What IS your dream?” And, just like that, I said, “Reaching out to the world, travelling, being in community with as many human beings I can, changing the world!” or something like that. My true dream, and one that I now know will become my reality.

I think that there has always been a part of me that continued to believe in dreams for myself, however, it was always way too easy to talk myself out of being able to have them. Now, I know that no matter what, having them is truly essential to my well being. And, the well being of the world, truth be told.

Ultimately, I will be writing furiously; coaching madly; posting on social networking sites and having people touched and influenced into action by my words. I will be speaking to groups, getting into dialogue about topics that are taboo, with groups that aren’t ready to hear the topics, or so they think. I will be influencing others to reach beyond their comfort zones and truly up the game of their lives.

I will be busy, changing the world. I see it, I feel it, I KNOW IT.

Join me, will you? Just look for the woman in the hot pink Superhero cape……

The danger of secrecy

When I tell you how much I am learning to tell the truth more in my life these days, that would be the biggest understatement of my life. I can say that every day, I am finding ways to tell the truth where I have not before. And, when I withhold the truth from others, the truth about how I think, feel, and believe, or the truth about what I am planning or considering, and they are involved, that is a lie, in my book. Lying to them about what they can really anticipate or expect, and lying to myself about who I am and really want to be.

Part of telling those lies for me in my life has always been about keeping things secret. Not telling others about what was really going on with me, in order to look like I had it all together, or to be arrogant about the fact that I think I can handle it. Either way, traits that are bound to backfire and take me down for sure.

I have had two glaring examples of how keeping secrets can damage a relationship, and how exposing a secrecy frees it up, both of which have occurred in the last twenty-four hours. You see, I have made a conscious decision that I am ready for my life to grow and change as if it is on steroids, so telling the truth, exposing the secrecy, and being who I truly say I am is what I am about.

Last night, I was at a fabulous Christmas party, and my daughter was with me. I have struggled with telling the truth about our relationship ending, and all of the dynamics of that, out of fear of her resenting me, hating me, or not communicating with me. I have never thought that she couldn’t handle it; more like, I DIDN’T want to handle it. Last night, at the party, I was talking about all of the changes that are coming in 2011. And she asked, “Are these changes that I know about?” I said, “Well, the one is that in 2011, at some point we will no longer be living together.” She was quiet, and as badly as I wanted to fill the quiet with chatter, I didn’t. I told her that I was afraid of her being angry, resentful or upset with me, and that is why it has been hard to tell her that. But, what was more important was to tell her the truth.

The rest of the night totally rocked. She didn’t talk about that, but she didn’t shut me out, she held my hand in the car, she told me she loved me. Priceless.

The other example happened this morning. A friend found out about our breakup, and blamed HERSELF for having not known about it. No, no, no woman. I immediately sent her a message, and told her it was ME who was keeping the secret, and that is why she didn’t know, because I didn’t tell. So, besides keeping a relationship blocked, secrecy can also create damage to the ones we have, because people take on blame and responsibility that isn’t theres. In the not telling, that was ALL ME.

I am not discounting the fact of how freaking scary it is to tell the truth. At first, it almost paralyzes me with fear. If I wasn’t scared, I would wonder. However, once I step through that fear, and open my mouth and speak, or act anyway, I feel amazing. I feel like anything is possible, and I can achieve any dream I set my mind on.

Take down your secrets, one by one. Let truth out from whereever you are keeping it hidden. Be your true self. You will be so glad that you did.