In my unending quest to take down my Control Freak, actually, to take it down by the end of the year, in all ways that it is the most sneaky in order to be in charge, I have been having some significant breakthroughs. Last night, as I was re-reading an email that I had not paid full attention to the first time, in a quest to be efficient and read faster, I realized something quite telling about me. That is, one of the results of my Control Freak being so intact most of my life, I also created a Multitasking Maniac, who focuses on completing a variety of tasks at once. As a result, I am a browser/speed reader, and I miss important details in documents, in my home, in my environment. It is directly related to my Control Freak, because the whole reason I became a Multitasking Maniac, was to take control of every task that had to be done, because I alone am the only one that could do it correctly.
Ironically, I did many tasks, but many were not done completely because of this Maniac being at work. Very interesting…….
As I thought about this more and more today, I realized that another way that I allow my Control Freak to be at the wheel, is in how I have thought about situations in my life. You see, if I can know the order, progression or outcome of a situation, if I can plan for it in my head, then I still feel like I have some control, even over parts of a situation that I have nothing to do with. SO, if I would envision the worst case scenario, it meant that I could mentally, and maybe otherwise, prepare for it. And, that maybe that would prepare me better for its arrival, should that ever come. Preparing for the worst.
I would be a bit sneaky about this as well, in that, I would PREPARE for the worst, but I would let on to others that I wasn’t worried a bit that it would actually happen. I just wanted to have a strategy in mind JUST IN CASE. So, I was also lying about how much worrying I was actually doing, and instead of expecting the best, which could have been my plan instead, I was preparing in my mind for terrible circumstances.
Nothing speaks to this better than when I had a lump in my breast, and thought that I might have cancer. For me to keep control of that situation, and to go on like I wasn’t scared out of my mind, I told everyone that I had always thought that I would get cancer; and that, even though it would be a challenge, I didn’t think it would kill me. I just wanted to prepare myself, and those around me, in case such a diagnosis were to arrive.
Well, thankfully, I never heard those words stated to me, yet the impact on my loved ones was significant. I never let on that I was worried, or scared, that I might die. I just plowed on with my preparation strategy, and not instead, envisioned and manifested a healthy life, without cancer and without those words being spoken to me.
I never said how truly scared I was, to anyone.
Today, I am realizing that human strength is not about acting like you are not scared, but embracing and acknowledging our fears openly and honestly, and going forward in spite of those fears. It means being human, vulnerable and reaching out, which opens our heart more each and every time that we do it.
Each and every time that we declare that we are not in this alone, and that we are willing to let others in, we are telling the Universe, “I expect the best!”
I am finally ready for that.