An opening heart

I have been quiet for a while. For intentional and good reasons. I have been learning more and more how to feel, and how to keep opening my heart, bit by bit.

I have deceived myself for much of my life. I always believed that because I would respond to something emotionally, that it meant that my heart was fully open. Boy, was I mistaken. I am only now learning what living with an open heart means. It means feeling it break, and letting yourself feel it break. It means totally feeling whatever emotion comes through your heart and soul, without trying to talk yourself out of it.

It means, for me, being really quiet, so I can begin to gain understanding of what I am truly made of, and stop chattering my way through life, and really listening to myself, and to others. You see, I feel like a bit of a fraud for most of my adult life. I always acted like the one with her shit together; like I could handle anything that came along; like nothing shook me.

That was only partially true. I did put that all up; I did truly believe at times that I had my shit together. What I realize now, more than ever, is that it was a way to not have to trust anyone, to just rely on myself and keeping my precious heart protected. I am realizing how little I have ever let anyone in, friends, family, or partners.

For those of you that don’t know, my relationship of fourteen years has come to an end. I know that it is the right, truthful decision. There have been some parts that I worked hard on, and others that I was lazy about. I know that it is the right thing, for me, and for our daughter, yet it is extremely painful. Sad, painful, and a true loss. A loss of what might have been, of what love is supposed to be, of companionship and soulmates. A true loss.

Yet, I know that I want to set a brilliant example for my daughter, by showing her what love for a partner can truly be. By showing her that truth wins out when it comes to how we live our lives, because if we settle for lies, than we never achieve our dreams. We need to tell the truth, to ourselves and others, and we need to trust, risk and be brave enough to open up our hearts, and feel it all.

So, when I am quiet, not to worry. It means, I am really listening.


11 thoughts on “An opening heart

  1. Sometimes opening your heart you learn you just need to hold on tight. Hold on to God, hold on to yourself, hold on to what you know in that heart is the right thing for you. It is not always easy — in fact, maybe it never is. But, or should I say, And, the growth is really amazing.

    Y’know I didn’t worry about this quietude. I love the insights when you are listening!

  2. Thanks Tiny. I am listening more and more, and what is so ironic for me, is that I thought, in that transparency with my insights, that those that read would see me as a fraud, from how I was before. Quite the opposite, I must say. Truth is the only way.

  3. Vanessa,
    I am sorry to hear this. Let me know if there is anything you need. I am a good listener. I have known many lesbians that have broken up after soo many years and I know it’s devastating. There is so much emotional love in a lesbian relationship. I am here…it sucks, I know.

  4. V-
    Walking the true path is never an easy path. I respect you. I would love to meet up with you again someday. I would hug you and then share in some good laughs and share stories of lessons learned.

  5. Hey Shannon: I believe that we will meet up again one day; and I look forward to those moments. I can tell that you have gained great wisdom in your life; probably from places of pain, I imagine. Thanks for your compassion.

  6. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now! I was wondering what happened to you. I saw that you went to Florida and had a good time. I tried so hard to make my marriage work but it was just getting worse. I wanted my children to live in a happier home. Their world fell apart when their parents got divorced. My youngest was the same age as Hannah. Shaun was 11 and Ryan was 13. My kids were upset that their allowance stopped so I started to give them half of it. They like to have money at that age. I had to work 2 jobs for awhile then I ended up babysitting again. They loved having me in the home and seeing me more. It is a very hard thing t0 go through. Try not to be super woman. Spend lots of time with Hannah. I love you!

  7. Dophine: Thanks so much for your kind thoughts; I know that things will be okay, actually, more than okay. I want the chance to model for Hannah that we don’t have to settle for our lives, and that true love and truly realizing a dream, or dreams, is possible. Thank you so much for your support. I love you, too.

  8. You have come to mind probably a dozen times the past month (and I’ve taken that as a prompting to pray) While I am not privy to the details of your life, I had a sense something like this might be happening. appreciate the update(s) DM

  9. DM: Thanks for the prayer; and for checking in. The quiet is helping me to get my center, maybe for the first time in my life. I am doing well, and my strength is slowly growing. Happy Holidays to you!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s