I have been quiet for a while. For intentional and good reasons. I have been learning more and more how to feel, and how to keep opening my heart, bit by bit.
I have deceived myself for much of my life. I always believed that because I would respond to something emotionally, that it meant that my heart was fully open. Boy, was I mistaken. I am only now learning what living with an open heart means. It means feeling it break, and letting yourself feel it break. It means totally feeling whatever emotion comes through your heart and soul, without trying to talk yourself out of it.
It means, for me, being really quiet, so I can begin to gain understanding of what I am truly made of, and stop chattering my way through life, and really listening to myself, and to others. You see, I feel like a bit of a fraud for most of my adult life. I always acted like the one with her shit together; like I could handle anything that came along; like nothing shook me.
That was only partially true. I did put that all up; I did truly believe at times that I had my shit together. What I realize now, more than ever, is that it was a way to not have to trust anyone, to just rely on myself and keeping my precious heart protected. I am realizing how little I have ever let anyone in, friends, family, or partners.
For those of you that don’t know, my relationship of fourteen years has come to an end. I know that it is the right, truthful decision. There have been some parts that I worked hard on, and others that I was lazy about. I know that it is the right thing, for me, and for our daughter, yet it is extremely painful. Sad, painful, and a true loss. A loss of what might have been, of what love is supposed to be, of companionship and soulmates. A true loss.
Yet, I know that I want to set a brilliant example for my daughter, by showing her what love for a partner can truly be. By showing her that truth wins out when it comes to how we live our lives, because if we settle for lies, than we never achieve our dreams. We need to tell the truth, to ourselves and others, and we need to trust, risk and be brave enough to open up our hearts, and feel it all.
So, when I am quiet, not to worry. It means, I am really listening.