The danger of secrecy

When I tell you how much I am learning to tell the truth more in my life these days, that would be the biggest understatement of my life. I can say that every day, I am finding ways to tell the truth where I have not before. And, when I withhold the truth from others, the truth about how I think, feel, and believe, or the truth about what I am planning or considering, and they are involved, that is a lie, in my book. Lying to them about what they can really anticipate or expect, and lying to myself about who I am and really want to be.

Part of telling those lies for me in my life has always been about keeping things secret. Not telling others about what was really going on with me, in order to look like I had it all together, or to be arrogant about the fact that I think I can handle it. Either way, traits that are bound to backfire and take me down for sure.

I have had two glaring examples of how keeping secrets can damage a relationship, and how exposing a secrecy frees it up, both of which have occurred in the last twenty-four hours. You see, I have made a conscious decision that I am ready for my life to grow and change as if it is on steroids, so telling the truth, exposing the secrecy, and being who I truly say I am is what I am about.

Last night, I was at a fabulous Christmas party, and my daughter was with me. I have struggled with telling the truth about our relationship ending, and all of the dynamics of that, out of fear of her resenting me, hating me, or not communicating with me. I have never thought that she couldn’t handle it; more like, I DIDN’T want to handle it. Last night, at the party, I was talking about all of the changes that are coming in 2011. And she asked, “Are these changes that I know about?” I said, “Well, the one is that in 2011, at some point we will no longer be living together.” She was quiet, and as badly as I wanted to fill the quiet with chatter, I didn’t. I told her that I was afraid of her being angry, resentful or upset with me, and that is why it has been hard to tell her that. But, what was more important was to tell her the truth.

The rest of the night totally rocked. She didn’t talk about that, but she didn’t shut me out, she held my hand in the car, she told me she loved me. Priceless.

The other example happened this morning. A friend found out about our breakup, and blamed HERSELF for having not known about it. No, no, no woman. I immediately sent her a message, and told her it was ME who was keeping the secret, and that is why she didn’t know, because I didn’t tell. So, besides keeping a relationship blocked, secrecy can also create damage to the ones we have, because people take on blame and responsibility that isn’t theres. In the not telling, that was ALL ME.

I am not discounting the fact of how freaking scary it is to tell the truth. At first, it almost paralyzes me with fear. If I wasn’t scared, I would wonder. However, once I step through that fear, and open my mouth and speak, or act anyway, I feel amazing. I feel like anything is possible, and I can achieve any dream I set my mind on.

Take down your secrets, one by one. Let truth out from whereever you are keeping it hidden. Be your true self. You will be so glad that you did.

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2 thoughts on “The danger of secrecy

  1. I find this post particularly interesting because it can be such a complicated topic. Although I whole-heartedly agree that the truth will always win in the end, there are times that the truth feels like far more trouble than it’s worth.

    To your kids, I do believe that the truth is always the right choice, so long as it is done gently. To your partner, honestly is important, but there are times that it doesn’t make sense.

    With strangers, silence is the right choice sometimes. With friends, although you know that you need to be honest, sometimes that will only make matters worse. There are so many things that I know I should tell my friends, but it won’t do any good, it will only cause pain. I can’t help but believe that there is still a time to withhold the truth.

  2. Hey Jen: I know that you have some pretty deep feelings about secrecy, and why it is at times, better to not tell. I have been that way my whole life. Until, I stopped lying about some things that would have been easier to keep hidden in the last year. Well, I say EASIER, but truthfully, it caused me a lot of pain emotionally, knowing how much I was keeping from others about who I really am. And, my true dream is to have others know me as I REALLY am, so that they can fully trust and understand, understand me and the true human condition. Sure, it’s risky, and scary as hell. However, when I tell you how much my life has transformed since beginning to tell the truth, you probably wouldn’t believe it. I can’t believe the positive changes some days. Now, some have responded negatively to me telling the truth, and TRUTHFULLY, as long as I am telling it with grace, and a voice of love, that is about their stuff, not mine.

    I love you Jen. xxoo

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