Clarity

I have such a keen sense of clarity as I go forward in this process of self awareness, and as I continue to live my life sober. It is truly amazing what I lived in, compared to where I live now.

I was at an AA meeting last night, and for the first time in the two months that I have been going, I felt compelled to share. What I shared is how grateful I am, that even though I am going through the breakup of a long term, intimate relationship, I am doing it sober. As difficult as this is to go through, it is hard to imagine how much more complicated, and painful, it would be to do it drunk.

I also talked about my gratitude for clarity since I have become sober. I feel like my mind is crisper, fresher and more clear about what it is I want to do. What I intend, what my dreams are, what my true purpose is.

Of course, now I know that my true purpose on this earth is the change the world. In as many ways as I can. As often as I can. And, with sobriety, and with a focus on my dreams and my belief in them, I know that I will be able to do that.

I am also so aware, which I also spoke to last night, at how numb I have been throughout my whole drinking life. Whether I was seeking to be numb from a painful situation, or a social situation that I was uncomfortable with, or a way to cope with a relationship that wasn’t working. Alcohol for me, did its duty in numbing me from so many situations, and turning me off from truly feeling anything.

I am also grateful for feeling; it might sound strange, but although I have been a cryer, and express my feelings much of my life, I don’t think that I have ever really been FEELING them. Now, all of it, whether it be joy, excitement, or sadness, I am feeling it more fully than ever before in my life. It is truly amazing.

It reminds me, that I am, indeed, alive and here and able to change the world for the better.

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6 thoughts on “Clarity

  1. Boy I know about the feeling thing. Sometimes it’s tough when you feel all the stuff around, especially when they’re not easy feelings. But I figure it’s better to feel no matter what — it’s more real.

    And a Very Merry Christmas to you and all of yours!
    xoxo

  2. Hi Vanessa,

    With you it was drinking, with me it is my eating disorder that helps me numb my emotions. I either stuff myself or starve myself in order to prevent me from feeling. I still can’t learn to start feeling my emotions…
    I admire you for your soberness and your bravery to face up to reality. I wish you stability and strength to live through this hard time.
    XXX

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