I have such a keen sense of clarity as I go forward in this process of self awareness, and as I continue to live my life sober. It is truly amazing what I lived in, compared to where I live now.

I was at an AA meeting last night, and for the first time in the two months that I have been going, I felt compelled to share. What I shared is how grateful I am, that even though I am going through the breakup of a long term, intimate relationship, I am doing it sober. As difficult as this is to go through, it is hard to imagine how much more complicated, and painful, it would be to do it drunk.

I also talked about my gratitude for clarity since I have become sober. I feel like my mind is crisper, fresher and more clear about what it is I want to do. What I intend, what my dreams are, what my true purpose is.

Of course, now I know that my true purpose on this earth is the change the world. In as many ways as I can. As often as I can. And, with sobriety, and with a focus on my dreams and my belief in them, I know that I will be able to do that.

I am also so aware, which I also spoke to last night, at how numb I have been throughout my whole drinking life. Whether I was seeking to be numb from a painful situation, or a social situation that I was uncomfortable with, or a way to cope with a relationship that wasn’t working. Alcohol for me, did its duty in numbing me from so many situations, and turning me off from truly feeling anything.

I am also grateful for feeling; it might sound strange, but although I have been a cryer, and express my feelings much of my life, I don’t think that I have ever really been FEELING them. Now, all of it, whether it be joy, excitement, or sadness, I am feeling it more fully than ever before in my life. It is truly amazing.

It reminds me, that I am, indeed, alive and here and able to change the world for the better.


6 thoughts on “Clarity

  1. Boy I know about the feeling thing. Sometimes it’s tough when you feel all the stuff around, especially when they’re not easy feelings. But I figure it’s better to feel no matter what — it’s more real.

    And a Very Merry Christmas to you and all of yours!

  2. Hi Vanessa,

    With you it was drinking, with me it is my eating disorder that helps me numb my emotions. I either stuff myself or starve myself in order to prevent me from feeling. I still can’t learn to start feeling my emotions…
    I admire you for your soberness and your bravery to face up to reality. I wish you stability and strength to live through this hard time.

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