I really feel like I got bonked on the head today, from the powers that be within the Universe. I realized many things at once that I have been contemplating and wondering about. And, all of these things are related to my current spiritual journey; my ability to trust a Higher Power; and never asking for help. All intense issues, yet all intricately connected as well.
First, my spiritual journey. For the last two months or so, I have been on a very deliberate spiritual journey. I have always been so task oriented, at least for most of my adult life, that I rarely took time to just sit, reflect, and sit within my own thoughts, focusing on my breath and being present. For the last couple of months, I have been taking specific amounts of time each day to be quiet, still, and present. Some days, it feels like prayer. Some days, I am mainly attending to my breath. Or, visualizing my dreams and my future. The first month or so, I did it for five minutes. That seemed so long at first, to sit without being distracted by life’s other demands. Eventually, that five minutes invited thoughts that seemed intrusive or distracting, for they took me to other areas needing to be explored. I looked forward to that five minutes daily, and was hard pressed not to take it. For the last two weeks, five minutes expanded into ten minutes a day; with an eventual goal of possibly twenty or thirty minutes at a time. At the end of each meditation/prayer time, I write a few sentences about what I am seeking spiritually. I have been coming up with some real clarity about what I want.
It has been an interesting evolution for me. You see, believing in a Higher Power and its influence in my life has been very difficult for me. Not because I don’t believe in God; for most of life, I have believed in God. However, I would often comment to myself, whether I was attending church at the time, or just doing my own spiritual connecting, that I would never pray to God to bring me something, or to do something for me. I would express gratitude, but never need. I find that so interesting today, now in the AA program, and one of the parts of it that I am struggling with the most is turning over to a power greater than myself. Because, I am the responsible one for my choices; I am the one that has to figure it out; I am the one that has to clean up the messes.
Which leads to the third realization, the fact that I have rarely asked for help in my life either. I always wanted to handle shit on my own. I didn’t want others to be inconvenienced; i wanted to take full accountability for my stuff, so I would never ask others to assist me. Not very often, anyway. Not even God.
So today, faith and trust came crashing together in my mind. I figured out that the reason that I have questions about faith, is because I don’t easily trust. Because I don’t easily trust, I have trouble finding my faith, especially a faith in a higher power. I not only don’t want to turn it over, I don’t trust that it will get taken care of the way it needs to be. No letting go there.
I believe that in figuring out this major piece of my life’s puzzle, I will be able to gain so much more from the 12 steps, and from my own spiritual journey and awakening. I am slowly learning that it is good to trust; good to have faith. And, good to have a power greater than me on my side.
I am learning.