Facing fear

For the first time in my life, I am admitting that I feel afraid. A lot. I have spent most of my life, childhood and adult I think, acting as if I wasn’t afraid, even when I was. Putting on the face of being brave with no worries or things nagging at the inside of my belly and my never quiet head.

Then, I started telling myself that I could admit to fear, but I would only allow myself a small bit; I referred to it as a “thimblefull” of fear. I thought it sounded cute, and accurate. Because, I literally only allowed myself to feel, or at least, ADMIT, a tiny bit of fear at a time.

When I said that, only allowing myself a small bit, a friend of mine in the coaching program through the Handel Group asked, “Why? Why limit your fear? Feel it; feel afraid, that is normal.” Or, something like that. I have to say, when she told me that, at first I really had to think about it, and get good with it. Really? Feeling fear, as much as there is, is good? Healthy? Normal?

She was absolutely right!

Today, I felt like I was in a swirl of fear most of the day. And, as I felt it, and spelled out the list of what I am afraid of in my head, and in my journal, I felt loads better. And, I felt human, and vulnerable, and like I am right where I am supposed to be.

I don’t know if I will be living in this house; living somewhere else. I get afraid that I won’t have enough money, I won’t have a television, I won’t be able to have my pets with me. I get afraid of hurting everyone around me. Afraid that I don’t really know what I am doing.

Then, I breathe, and realize how human and normal and completely beautiful. And, that as I go forward, the more that I feel afraid, and express it, the more vulnerable I am, and the more that I learn to have faith, and trust, that all will be well. That I will make my dreams come true.

And that fear belongs with me, like every other part of this process.

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