I was at an AA meeting yesterday morning. I had been thinking this week about how I am unravelling what purpose that drinking had served in my life. One purpose was that it helped me to escape from feeling, or really facing up to anything that I didn’t want to deal with. This past week, during a difficult, painful conversation, I suddenly got scared about how painful it actually was. And, I wanted to drink. Drink to numb out and have it go away.
Of course, it doesn’t make it go away, not for long, anyway. That is just an illusion. So, I am in the process of finding other ways to cope. One of them that works for me, is actually feeling whatever emotion I am going through. Feel it, be in it, immerse myself in it. It truly helps me to feel so much better, so much freer, because I am not spending my energy fighting against the emotions. I am allowing them to be.
Another new coping skill is telling secrets. Now, I could say that I don’t have any really deep, dark secrets. However, I am starting to understand that any secrets, no matter the nature of them, are deep and dark for the person, or persons, carrying them. For me, pretending that I didn’t drink to get drunk; pretending that I had my shit together when really I worried about almost everything- those were deep dark secrets for me. The fact that they were mine, and that I kept them hidden as a part of myself, that makes them deep and dark, and destructive.
So, at my meeting yesterday, I heard a piece of wisdom that made so much sense to me. I often do hear just what I need to in those rooms. One woman there talked about how those things that are secret, that we keep hidden, or that we don’t like to talk about, have to be brought out into the light, because that takes their destructive power away. When we keep them in the dark, secret and hidden, they keep their power over us and others in our lives. When instead, we hold them in the light, and stand in the light ourselves, it kills the evil of them. They are shown as human, as they truly are, and any evil about them melts away. Because, the truth has been told.
It isn’t always easy, disclosing my secrets, and telling the truth. However, I can easily say that since I have been telling the truth more, and holding secrets less, I am in the light many more hours of my day.