I have experienced grief in my life, at many different stages of development in my life. At the age of eight or nine, my school friend, Guy, was killed when he was playing on the railroad tracks and was hit. At the age of 14, my friends, Gayle and Debbie, lost their brother to Muscular Dystrophy, Derek. At the age of 19, I lost my beloved grandmother, my Nana, to cancer. At the age of 30, my brother, Jeff, to AIDS. And more deaths in there also. Friends. Pets. Family.
Grief that comes when experiencing a loss that isn’t a physical death, but the death of a relationship, a dream, an idea of what was to be, the pain is so immense at times. Tonight, while watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, the subject was grief. And, I felt it, deeply. It ached inside of me, the feeling of loss and sadness and pain. Knowing deep down that this is the change that has to be, yet, it hurts like hell.
Don’t get me wrong; even though it hurts tremendously, I am so grateful for the feeling of it. For the ability to release the tears that are stored up. But it’s sad and lonely, too. And so scary. I am so scared today. I want to know that I am doing the right thing, in my quest to just be a good person. Most of the time, I truly believe that I am. But tonight, the grief. My God, it is big.
So, I keep choosing gratitude, presence. Gratitude for feeling every feeling, and for having family and friends that I know will be there for me. Presence so that I can break the aspects of this into manageable chunks, and just have to get through this difficult moment, and the next one and the next………
My faith is ever growing these days. Not even faith that in general, all will be okay. I am really gaining such faith and confidence in my own ability to build a happy life for myself, and have every dream I imagine.
The grief will pass, the pain will ebb, and the lessons learned will still be there. And I am so grateful for feeling and being awake for it all.