I want to quit.

On days like today, I just want to quit. Give up. Stop trying and just go back to being. As unhappy as I was at times, at least I knew what to expect. I knew my routine.

I am on the road to being the happiest I have ever been in my life. The healthiest, the most honest, the most truthful of my life. Yet, today, I want to quit. I want to go back to being the person who was only half truthful, if that. The person who could have a couple of glasses of wine to forget it all. The person who would blow up when confronted with something difficult.

Not really. I don’t really want to go back to that. But, in some ways, it was easier.

Easier because I didn’t have to focus, on a full time basis, on what I really wanted out of life. I could hanker for it here and there, but didn’t have to take any time to focus on it. I would just whine about not having it. Or silently suffer because I was too busy being a martyr.

Easier? No, probably not at all. Living my life that way wasn’t any easier. It was more complicated, because I would be saying one thing, doing something else, and sometimes, thinking something else even. It was more anxiety producing, more confusing and confounding.

So, only in the moments of sadness, despair, and most intense fear, do I really want to quit. Forget about coaching, forget about my dreams. Just go back to “normal”.

What is “normal”? Ignoring my dreams and acting like everything was fine all the time, that used to be my normal. Now, my normal is writing every day, making plans, truly seeing myself fulfilling every dream that I have on my list, in all areas of my life.

Welcome to my new normal. Ain’t it grand?

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2 thoughts on “I want to quit.

  1. These posts are wonderful. I’ve been off on a trip (both physical and mental) and missed looking at your blog and reading it. I have so much to share with you and I’m so tired right now I just can’t.
    Thinking of you with much fondness!

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