Developing my faith

I was not sure what to title this, but developing faith sounds like the right descriptor of where I am at with part of my spiritual journey. One of my friends in the CIT program through the
Handel Group, Michelle, set up group calls for those of us willing, and with the time, to explore our spirituality together. Although the calls were not able to be continued, it got me in a great groove of looking at what I believe and why, and exploring what it means to me to be faithful.

Spirituality is one of the areas of life that we explore and have to make our dream as we go forward in the coaching work, as clients and as future coaches. For me, out of all the areas, Spirituality was the one that I was most inspired about to write my dream, and the one that I had the least interest, or courage, in looking at really closely. However, I dived in, and came up with some must haves, and some must not haves.

One thing I know for sure, is that even though I have a deep appreciation for some of the Old Testament stories, and also great respect for the man, Jesus, when he walked this earth, Christianity is not the path for me. It feels rigid, manmade, and hypocritical, at least from my experiences with it. And, though I could always call up a presence of God or Higher Power when I have been in a church of some sort, I just didn’t feel connected to much else most of the time.

I truly feel a connection to Kabbala, and the belief that we choose our lives, including who we are born to. At first, when I began my affiliation with the Handel Group, that seemed foreign and really weird. Now, it seems so simple, and so terrifically pure and real to me. I have so much to bring to the world, and to my parents and family, so why would I not have specifically chosen them?

The rest of my spiritual self has been a subject of deep thought for me over the last couple of months, particularly when Michelle began the calls. I promised myself to set aside five minutes each day to pray/meditate, and just think on who I am as a spiritual being. In anticipation of it, five minutes seemed so long to me, to just sit and ponder. However, now I do ten minutes each day, and am looking forward to gradually increasing it. It helps me to really focus, intend, breathe, and be present with whatever is going on with me.

For me, the hardest part of my spiritual journey has been the area of having faith, meaning, faith in a power bigger than myself. Letting go. Since I began with AA, I notice that more than ever, that the idea of turning it over to a Higher Power seems so foreign to me. I am not comfortable doing that, and I hardly ever do. I pray, but not for something, not for the relief of something. Intriguing to me, and loaded with info to figure out. I know for sure that my lack of desire to turn stuff over, is directly related to my super duper strong Control Freak trait, and not wanting to let anyone else have hands on what I do, including God, or Great Spirit, or some higher being. That fascinates me as much as it frustrates me. I want to have faith; I want to call upon a Higher Power when I need, and feel like it is right and good to turn it over when it is necessary. However, a hard habit to create.

However, I am undaunted. I am committed to figuring this out, to see for sure if that is what faith means to me, in part, turning over to a Higher Power. I will still use AA as a support and resource, no matter where I get with it. However, it is mysterious to me right now and I want to figure it all out. One strategy that I tried this week, is that I asked myself what is one thing that I would feel okay about trusting and turning over to a Higher Power to handle. I decided that it would be finding a new place to live. I am doing my part of asking around, and gearing up to look at ads and talk to realtors, but there is an aspect of it that is out of my control, and upon which I can rely on faith to know that it will be okay. I will let you know how that goes.

I know that faith is not something that I will figure out for myself overnight; I know that it is a journey, as is all of my HG work. However, it feels less scary, and more exciting than ever, to explore and want to know the deepest part of my self, so that one day, I can properly share it with someone else.

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2 thoughts on “Developing my faith

  1. So beautiful Vanessa! I am happy for you and inspired by you. As a fellow control freak, I have lately been playing with the concept of humility and being humble. I know this is something explored within AA as well. I feel connected to my spiritual journey, yet last week I saw how unwilling I was to actually turn myself over to this higher power – I mean really, really turn myself over. And through that experience, I realized, who am I to know or try to know anything? What if I just let the divine lead me in my life – it seems like I’d get surprised more often and couldn’t that be fun and beautiful? Wow, not knowing and allowing could actually be fun and beautiful. And couldn’t I feel totally nurtured by being taken care of that force that takes such good care of all of us? Like you said, it’s a journey, a never-ending one because this is the beauty of what life is about.

  2. michelle: I am so glad that you got to read this! You have inspired me in amazing ways in this area, and it is a comfort to me to know that no matter how spiritually connected we may feel, there is always room for growth. I love that idea, of allowing myself to be surprised. How cool is that? The Universe/Higher Power does some pretty amazing things, so you are so right, why not give in to it, and be amazed at the awesomeness of it all? I will try that myself! Love, Vanessa

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