Most days, I am thinking on my life and its events so deeply, that by the evening I am ready for solid sleep. Then, there are those days in this process when the work is more basic, and I still enjoy the lessons that I gain from them.
Last night, the lesson came through Christmas cookies.
A week before Christmas, the three of us got busy and baked dozens of Christmas cookies. We did peanut butter, oatmeal craisin, chocolate chip, and a sugar cookie recipe that Hannah found in her Julia Child cookbook. At the time that they were baked, I showed amazing restraint in limiting my intake. I tried a couple of them that night, warm and delicious. After that, I would allow myself only a certain number of them at a time. And, let it be known, all four varieties are delicious.
Well, we had many left over from Christmas, and to keep them fresh, we put them in a container in the freezer. We have been enjoying them here and there since the holidays. Last night, I had a hankering for them. So, I took them out.
Now, this story is even more relevant, for the fact that all of my adult life, and even some of my childhood years, I have been overweight. I would lose twenty pounds, gain thirty. After the birth of our daughter, I had gained fifty pounds, and weighed more than 200 pounds total for the first time in my life. I have always been able to successfully take off the weight, but rarely kept it off for long. And, over the years, food became many things to me: comfort, stress reliever, something to be avoided and cursed. It was hardly ever in my way of thinking, the mode through which my body could be healthy and nourished.
Since I have begun my coaching work through the Handel Group, I have really upped the game when it comes to my body and my eating. I keep track of my foods daily; I eat healthy variety of foods and snacks; and no booze. My cravings for salty, fried junk foods has diminished. I still crave sugary snacks at times, but that has really gone down, too. So, for the first time in my life, for the last few months, I have my dream body, and a healthy relationship with food.
So, back to the cookies. I took out the container last night, after my dinner, and had planned on eating four cookies. There were no more chocolate chip, but a few of the other varieties left. One. Two. Three. Four. Then, I made a conscious decision: I was so enjoying the taste of those cookies, the texture, the freshness, that I proceeded to eat many, many more. Probably twenty cookies altogether. YEAH………..
So, the container empty, I sat at the table, waiting for guilt, nausea, or panic to set in. Guilt for having eaten so many, and to not have followed my eating plan for the day. Nausea due to the excess which I am no longer used to. Panic, about how was I going to avoid gaining five pounds on the scale this week?
However, none of those things came. I had a bit of indigestion, but nothing drastic. I didn’t feel guilty, I felt SATISFIED. I had truly enjoyed every one of those luscious cookies! And, no panic. You see, I know that even if I gain a couple of pounds, I will take it off right away, because that is how in tune I am, with my body and my health. I manifest it all. I wasn’t eating those twenty some-odd cookies to avoid something; to numb out something; or to soothe me in some way. I just wanted them, every one of them.
We have the power to change our lives, however we most dream of our lives to be. We have the means within ourselves to do it differently, better, healthier, at any given time. No matter what we are talking about in our lives, it is all possible.
So, here’s to Christmas cookies, and my peace with food. YAY.
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