I have never really liked the dark, especially when I am in it alone. In the dark, there are things in every corner, that I cannot see or be prepared for. There is danger and unknowns.
At least, that is what the child part of me has always believed about the dark. The monsters hiding under the bed, sort of dark.
Now, I am growing up, at a rather fast pace in my life. I am actively looking at who I am, who I want to be, and unravelling how I got to where I stand today. I ask questions, I talk more about what is truly going on with me, I take inventory, and I confront myself about issues that I have lied about. I also know that part of the work means intentionally going into these dark places.
I am discovering that only by actively walking into the cave, going forward when I think that I can’t see anything, is the only way that I discover all that there is to know about me. I need to dig deeply at what some of the sad, sick reasons are for being who it is that I have been for most of my life. I haven’t been a bad person, and I have tried to make the best of whatever I have achieved for myself. However, I have lied, been selfish, been arrogant, and controlling, and those are dark aspects of myself that I dared not have anyone see, at least intentionally, for much of my life. And, I didn’t want to acknowledge that there was anything about myself that needed unravelling, or had any dark aspects to it.
Until I really started listening to that voice that does the secondary talk in my head; that makes a comment or declarative statement, totally contradictory to what I have just said to a person. It has, at times, been a judgment of that person, or myself; it has been downright insensitive; it has been justifying, that whatever I do is in the other person’s best interest. That voice was always full of excuses of why it was okay to stay in the dark place, and pretend I wasn’t.
So, today I walk into those dark places to unravel them. If I am acting controlling in a situation or with a person, I want to confront that to myself, and apologize. When I am being a bitch, I want to say that out loud, not pretend that I wasn’t. I want to understand the dark, so within it, I can find my true light.
My ultimate purpose upon this earth is to be a Warrior of Light. In order to be that Warrior, I need to walk into the darkness, eyes wide open, and seek the light that I will only discover by embracing that dark. I will curl up into that dark, so that I can fully understand its purpose for me, and then light my way to my bigger purpose. It truly is an inspiring experience.
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