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For most of my life, I have taken great pride in being a giver. Being willing to give of myself and my expertise or service to others. Sometimes, that giving was part of the job that I was doing at the time, and meant going above and beyond my job duties. Sometimes, it was offered as a volunteer, as a gesture of kindness and goodwill.
In the last year, I have discovered so much about my giving to others, and what it really has meant to me. A part of the giving that is less admirable to look at, yet is truthful and has brought me great knowledge of self. Many times, my giving in the past has been so that I appear to be a hero, the person that is the only one to save the day, that is essential to a situation being resolved. I wanted to be acknowledged for being kind, and willing to help out. So, my giving was with an agenda, as sad and sick as that sounds. The agenda was my own, to gain personally from what I was giving freely.
I don’t beat myself up for this realization; however, I also don’t use it as an excuse not to take down what brought me to that way of doing things. Through my coaching, I have upped the ante as far as how I want to figure out these ways of mine in the past, and how I want to live a life that is cleaner, and that I feel proud of. So, my giving to others has taken on a whole different dimension. I had to go back to basics.
For me, going back to basics means really getting to know who it is that I am, and what I really want. That means writing out my dreams in all areas of my life, and making promises to achieve those dreams. That has been hard work; however, it has helped me to truly live a life of integrity, and to finally be the person that I let on that I was, but wasn’t in reality. I had to realize what was keeping me from opening my heart and truly giving from that place, a place of compassion and selflessness.
So, I meditate, every day. When I meditate, I envision light, warmth and love. Compassion for myself and for others. Pure energy that I send out into the Universe. And, now, giving feels completely different to me. When I give, I give fully and completely, for the first time in my life. I am not giving parts of myself away that are then gone from me; I am giving of my true heart, my love and compassion, which is endless and boundless and always replenishes itself when my soul is fed.
So, I am still giving, and it has taken on a newer, deeper meaning for me. I am so grateful for growth, change and deeper understanding.